Scent of Sawyer
July 14, 2013 at 1:02 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons, Sawyer, venting | 9 CommentsTags: baby loss, death of a baby, gratitude, life after loss, Method Baby Products, new not so normal, Sad, Sawyer, scent, thoughts
One of the lessons that Jake and Sawyer have taught me is not to sweat the small stuff. In the grand scheme of things there is so much stuff that just does not matter in the end.
This post, however, is about small stuff. Method has discontinued their line of babies and kids products. I know that there is most likely a business reason why the line did not make it. However, I just wish they could bring the product line back. We have used their products (body wash, shampoo, lotion, laundry detergent and dryer sheets). We used a particular scent — rice milk and mallow — with Sawyer. We all loved the smell, and appreciated that they were natural products with nothing to harm Sawyer’s (or any of our) skin.
The smell of the products reminds me of Sawyer. So, after he died, we continued to use the products. The frequent and sweet reminder of him in the smell of our clothes or at the twins’ bath time is, in a way, comforting. Now the product line has been discontinued, and it is hard to find the products anywhere. I am sure that at some point, we won’t be able to find them at all anymore.
One more small bit of Sawyer that will no longer be in our lives. Yes, it is a small thing. But it is one more small thing I wish I could change.
And, a giant thank you to Evan for finding me some of the last of the bottles on eBay!
Perfect
July 8, 2013 at 10:44 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, life lessons, Love | 5 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, Down syndrome, gratitude, hope, life after loss, new not so normal, perspective, thoughts, trisomy 21
In May of 2005, Evan and I had the nuchal screening of our first child. We were told that there was a 1 in 5 chance that our baby had trisomy 21, Down Syndrome. Friends told us their tales of false positives with the nuchal screening but after a follow-up test it turned out that we were the 1. The day that we got the results Evan had an awful migraine. He went to bed. I cried on the couch with our dogs.
I knew that I would continue the pregnancy. Evan was not so sure because he needed to know more about Down Syndrome. He questioned his ability to parent a child with disabilities.
We recently watched Perfect. Have you seen it? It is a segment on ESPN’s show E:60 about a father and his down syndrome daughter. Heath White, a successful runner and businessman, wanted perfection. Down Syndrome was not part of his plan. However, his daughter Paisley changed his mind and heart. He wanted to tell his story to the world. He became an advocate for Down Syndrome children. Heath decided to run with Paisley. He pushed her in a stroller for a total of 321 miles. The number is significant because Down Syndrome is an extra (a 3rd) copy of the 21st chromosome.
Heath White spoke about grieving once he found out Paisley’s diagnosis. Evan and I also grieved that day in May, 2005. Although, looking back now it was just a preview of all the tears to come. Perhaps all parents of Down Syndrome children grieve the loss of the “perfect” life they hoped for their child. However, Heath learned from Paisley the true meaning of “perfection”.
We never had the chance to raise our Down Syndrome child.
Traveling with the Twins
June 30, 2013 at 9:38 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, life after loss, Sawyer | 6 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, grief, hope, life after loss, new not so normal, perspective, signs, thoughts, travel
Most of this month we have been away. The first few weeks were work trips mixed with family and friends. The last part of the month we were away for fun. I used to travel all the time. It is hard to travel with small children but if I am honest with myself there is another reason I like to stick close to home.
I do not like to be away from the cemetery. I know that Jake and Sawyer are not really there but I still feel a need to go there. If nothing else to make sure that all is ok. I no longer go to the cemetery every day but I do not like the idea that I am not able to visit. I felt better about being away for so long because I knew that others would be there to check on them.
The trips were all good. There were some meltdowns and a taxi ride where not one but BOTH of the twins got sick. The taxi driver pulled over each time and we paid for him to get his car cleaned. . . However, we had fun. It was good to see family and friends.
I have written here and here that I do not know where exactly Jake and Sawyer are, except that they are in our hearts. No matter where we travel they come with us. There were times that the twins collected stones to bring to Jake and Sawyer. And, there were little signs that I like to believe Jake and Sawyer sent to us.
Family Medical Leave Act
June 18, 2013 at 4:44 pm | Posted in after death?, Grief, Jake, life after loss, Love, Sawyer | 4 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, Family Medical Leave Act (FMLA), life after loss, new not so normal, Parental Bereavement Act (Farley-Kluger Initiative), post traumatic stress disorder, thoughts
According to the US Department of Labor the Family Medical Leave Act of 1993 (FMLA):
“Entitles eligible employees of covered employers to take unpaid, job-protected leave for specified family and medical reasons with continuation of group health insurance coverage under the same terms and conditions as if the employee had not taken leave. Eligible employees are entitled to (among other things):
- Twelve work weeks of leave in a 12-month period for:
- the birth of a child and to care for the newborn child within one year of birth;
- the placement with the employee of a child for adoption or foster care and to care for the newly placed child within one year of placement;
- to care for the employee’s spouse, child, or parent who has a serious health condition;
- a serious health condition that makes the employee unable to perform the essential functions of his or her job
The problem is once the family member dies there are often little or no benefits. When Jake died I had a c-section and could not return to work for 6 weeks. The ironic thing was that after he died all I wanted to do was go back to work because being on maternity leave with no baby was beyond awful for me. Evan’s work was extremely understanding and kind. He ended up missing about a month of work – the 2 weeks Jake was alive and then the 2 weeks after his death.
When Sawyer suddenly died Evan again missed 2 weeks of work. Again, we were very fortunate that his work was so understanding. I know that is not always the case. Dealing with the death of your child and the stress of an employer not giving you time off is too much for anyone.
Bereaved father, Kelly Farley, is taking action to fix this issue. He has created the Parental Bereavement Act (Farley-Kluger Initiative). It is a petition to modify the existing Family Medical Leave Act. The objective of Petition is the following:
“Modify existing FMLA to expand coverage and existing benefits to employees that have experienced the death of a child.”
If you would like to support this modification of the FMLA please click this link to sign the e-petition. I have already signed it!
Hasta Luego House and Hair
June 2, 2013 at 11:48 am | Posted in Grief, life after loss, Love, normal? | 7 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, hope, Jake, life after loss, new not so normal, perspective, post traumatic stress disorder
“How would this do: and they all settled down and lived together
happily ever after?’
‘It will do well, if it ever comes to that,’ said Frodo.
‘Ah!’ said Sam. ‘And where will they live? That’s what I often wonder.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring
I wrote about our old house in this post. We had been renting it since we moved in 2007. It was not the plan to rent it all this time but as my grandfather used to say “people make plans and G-d laughs.” And, there was the real estate market crashing. . .
Last week we sold the house. Before the closing I went in to walk around. I stood in what was supposed to be Jake’s room. The once baby blue walls are now whitish. The room was empty. No tears filled my eyes as I entered. Jake was not there. I did not really think that he would be – I know that he is with me where ever I go. The address does not matter.
Completely unrelated (except for the fact that it also happened last week), I donated my hair for the 4th time to Pantene’s Beautiful Lengths. So far, “Pantene has donated 24,000 free real-hair wigs” to cancer patients throughout the country. It takes 6 donations to make 1 wig. So, I have officially donated 2/3 of 1 wig.
Happy Anniversary Evan!
May 28, 2013 at 9:58 pm | Posted in Anniversaries, Grief, life after loss, Love | 9 CommentsTags: 10 year anniversary, child loss, death of a baby, family, hope, life after loss
Most of the anniversaries I write about are not really anniversaries at all. They are really Deathiversaries.
This past week Evan and I celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary.
In 10 years we have had 4 miraculous children. We have buried our oldest and our youngest sons. I am afraid to count how many other funerals we have attended.
The divorce statistics after the death of a child are debatable. Some say it is a very high number, others disagree. I am not sure which to believe and I do not think it matters. It is bittersweet. All marriages have difficult and stressful times (I think).
Our lives are not the “happily ever after” that I had imagined but
Last Day of Kindergarten
May 22, 2013 at 10:56 pm | Posted in Jake, Love, Sawyer, twins | 9 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, hope, kindergarten, last day, life after loss, new not so normal, parenthood, perspective, thoughts
Today was the last day of kindergarten for the twins. They have both been telling me for the last several weeks, “Mama, we are ready to go to 1st grade.” I am so very happy watching them grow up. This is what I want. The twins are alive and growing. So, why am I sad?
I know that I am not supposed to “grow” Jake and Sawyer up. There is no point in mourning the 7-year-old and the 3-year-old who I will never know. Logically, I know this is true. However, somehow between the end of the year parties, musicals, recitals and tournaments my mind finds time to imagine the little boy who should be sitting in my lap watching his older siblings. And, then my mind wanders to the proud older brother who should be sitting next to me watching his younger brother and sister.
There is no 3-year-old sitting in my lap. No 7-year-old next to me. However, I am here in the land of the living. Evan and I are watching the twins grow while remembering Jake and Sawyer. Life is bittersweet. Miraculous and Miserable.
Ready or not . . .
Missing you on Mother’s Day
May 12, 2013 at 9:14 am | Posted in Grief, Jake, Love, Sawyer | 8 CommentsTags: child loss, gratitude, grief, life after loss, mother's day, new not so normal, thoughts
Dear Jake and Sawyer,
There is not a day that I do not think of you both. I know that you are both miracles. I was lucky enough to hold you both even for just a moment. I am thankful for the time that I spent with you. I just wish there were more moments. My arms ache to hold you.
I miss you every day. Some days are just harder. Mother’s Day is one of those days. Although the logical part of me knows that this is just a hallmark holiday. The original creator, Anna Jarvis, herself was even disappointed by how commercialized the day had become.
May 5th was International Bereaved Mother’s Day. I have to confess I try not to think about these days. It is not too hard to do in May. Especially now that your brother and sister are in kindergarten. The end of the year seems to bring extra activities that make it even easier to forget about the date.
I love you both to the moon and back. I will look for you in my dreams.
I know that this day is hard for so many. There are the other mothers in the club whose arms will also ache to hold their children. There are others who are missing their mothers and grandmothers. I send hope and hugs to you all.
Thank you!
April 28, 2013 at 8:54 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, life after loss, Love, Sawyer | 9 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, gratitude, hope, life after loss, March of Dimes, perspective, thoughts, ways to honor the memory of your child
Yesterday was the March of Dimes – March for Babies. We warmed up:
We ran:
We rested:
And most importantly, we remembered Jake, Sawyer and all the other babies who were not there to march with us:
Thank you again for supporting our team this year and in past years. We appreciate all of your amazing kindness and generosity.
The Other Side
April 26, 2013 at 7:44 am | Posted in after death?, Grief, Jake, Love, normal?, Sawyer | 4 CommentsTags: Buddha, child loss, death of a baby, gratitude, life after loss, March of Dimes, new not so normal, ways to honor the memory of your child
One day a young Buddhist on his journey home came to the banks of a wide river. Staring hopelessly at the great obstacle in front of him, he pondered for hours on just how to cross such a wide barrier.
Just as he was about to give up his pursuit to continue his journey, he saw a great teacher on the other side of the river. The young Buddhist yells over to the teacher, “Oh wise one, can you tell me how to get to the other side of this river”?
The teacher ponders for a moment looks up and down the river and yells back, “My son, you are on the other side”.
I have been and might always be on a journey to find the cause of Sawyer’s death. I have wanted to be in a place where all of my children are living. Not stuck between my two worlds.
I cannot do anything to bring back Jake or Sawyer. I am here. On the other side. However, maybe just maybe I can help spare other parents the heartbreak of having to live in a world without their child/children. So, as we have done every year since Jake died, our family will walk in the March of Dimes, March for Babies this Saturday.
Thank you to all those who supported our team this year and in past years. We appreciate all of your amazing kindness and generosity. If you would like to support Jake’s Journey & Sawyer’s Strides please click this link.
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