Thank you Jake

August 12, 2012 at 9:52 pm | Posted in after death?, Grief, twins, why I write | 12 Comments
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“If there ever comes a day when we can’t be together
keep me in your heart, I’ll stay there forever.”

Winnie the Pooh,  A. A. Milne

Dear Jake,
It was 7 years ago today when I was admitted to the hospital.  The doctors said there was no other option.  You were not ready for this world.  I suppose the world was not ready for you.  Your dad and I were terrified when the doctor told us my contractions were 3 minutes apart.  I could not believe at 26 weeks it could possibly be real.  I did truly believe you would live.  You held on for 2 more days before we actually got to meet you.

I still cannot understand how it is 7 years later.  I do not need a calendar to tell me the time of year.   My tears are much closer to the surface.  The lump in my throat is back.  My irritation and impatience have also risen just below my skin.  My nerves are so raw.  I wish to lock myself away so that I do not snap.  I already have apologized to your daddy.   If only just for a few moments I could be with you and your littlest brother.  I know that it is not possible.  However, this time of year I frequently seem to find myself back on the island of denial.

Your Yahrzeit was this weekend.   (The Yahrzeit falls annually on the Hebrew date of the deceased relative’s death according to the Jewish calendar as opposed to the secular calendar.)  Your dad and I lit a Yahrzeit candle for you.

You have 2 new cousins!  Welcome to the world Eli and Owen!!  I wish you could meet them.  You probably already know this but your sister asked if she could have one of the babies.  She desperately wants a baby brother.  She talks about you and Sawyer almost every day.  This morning she brought me two blankets she found for each of you.  She is so sweet and thoughtful.  I am trying my best to keep it together.

Thank you for chosing us as your parents.  Thank you for the time you were able to spend with us.  Thank you for sending us your baby brother and sister.  They are shielding us from all the rain.

I miss you so much.  I love you to the moon and back baby boy.  I will look for you in my dreams.

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12 Comments »

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  1. Always thinking about you and jake this time of year. Sending lots of Iove. Xo

  2. It does not seem possible that it is 7 years. All of you are in my thoughts.

  3. I do know just how you feel..My little granddaughter Faith was just four when she passed away from cancer three years ago..I raised Faith from a newborn, she was mine..we were so very close..My heart aches for her all the time and I to ask Faith to come to me in my dreams..People who have been through this tel me it does get better and it has to some extent, but the yearning to hold her again and play with her, kiss her soft baby cheeks is so overwhelming sometimes..So I know the pain, like to other pain and I always keep in mind that she and I will be together again with God in His Heavenly kingdom someday, then I will be rejoicing!!!..Nela Bruner 8/12/12

  4. The passage of time since my own son’s death is a concept that continues to mystify me too. Your daughter sounds like such a mama, what a precious. Wishing you peace this month.

  5. Sending light and love.

  6. What a wonderful letter Lanie. Love you, Cate

  7. Oh Lanie, my thoughts are always with you this time of year especially, and it is so hard to believe that 7 years have already gone by. Sending you lots of love and peace.

  8. My dear friend, what a honest, caring letter you wrote. It stops me in my tracks. I am sending you lots of love from across the country. How amazingly thoughtful Alyssa is at such a young age…its no wonder where she gets that. Take care of you, and be good to yourself.

  9. Thinking of you and praying for you, Evan, Fletcher and Alyssa. I pray that you can find peace in small moments and comfort beyond your understanding. Sending hugs to you!

  10. I am wishing you lots of Jake and Sawyer dreams, full of cuddles and kisses with your sweet boys. Sending lots of love to your whole family.

  11. Beautiful letter, Lanie. We too are thinking of you, and Jake and Sawyer and the twins! Wouldn’t it be lovely if we could just dream of those we lost whenever we wanted to?? Sigh.

  12. […] we had the twins with us and we were there for Jake and […]


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