Last Day of Kindergarten
May 22, 2013 at 10:56 pm | Posted in Jake, Love, Sawyer, twins | 9 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, hope, kindergarten, last day, life after loss, new not so normal, parenthood, perspective, thoughts
Today was the last day of kindergarten for the twins. They have both been telling me for the last several weeks, “Mama, we are ready to go to 1st grade.” I am so very happy watching them grow up. This is what I want. The twins are alive and growing. So, why am I sad?
I know that I am not supposed to “grow” Jake and Sawyer up. There is no point in mourning the 7-year-old and the 3-year-old who I will never know. Logically, I know this is true. However, somehow between the end of the year parties, musicals, recitals and tournaments my mind finds time to imagine the little boy who should be sitting in my lap watching his older siblings. And, then my mind wanders to the proud older brother who should be sitting next to me watching his younger brother and sister.
There is no 3-year-old sitting in my lap. No 7-year-old next to me. However, I am here in the land of the living. Evan and I are watching the twins grow while remembering Jake and Sawyer. Life is bittersweet. Miraculous and Miserable.
Ready or not . . .
9 Comments »
RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI
Leave a Reply
Blog at WordPress.com.
Entries and comments feeds.
A Mourning Mom 
Love all those happy pictures and the colorful cake! Looking forward…
Comment by Julie— May 22, 2013 #
Great pictures!
This sounds familiar. We watched our graduating seniors at church this past Sunday, and each of us immediately thought of our little girl that won’t graduate.
Comment by rememberingdoria— May 22, 2013 #
They are beautiful and growing up to be such amazing kids. It’s all thanks to their amazing mama!
Comment by Daphne— May 23, 2013 #
Happy Kindergarten Graduation Fletcher and Alyssa! What beautiful kiddos. Thinking of you Lanie as you mark this milestone and remember Jake and Sawyer.
Comment by Amy Johnson— May 23, 2013 #
Thanks for sharing the great pictures! It’s amazing how much they’re changing every day! Did you guys make the cake together? I like to envision their older and younger siblings watching them from on high….
Comment by Eden— May 23, 2013 #
Congratulations on the successful completion of Kindergarten. It is a milestone. As for Jake and Sawyer, you will have them in your heart always but they cannot be present at Fletcher’s and Alyssa’s celebrations and they do not grow along with their twin brother and sister. So you will have them in your heart and your sadness will be with you ever; it is part of your life and you will live with it.
I wish all of you a fun and rewarding summer, with time spent as a family and some trips to different places. May you all thrive.
Love, Cornelia
Comment by Cornelia Levine— May 24, 2013 #
It’s so tough isn’t it. I want to enjoy all of the moments I should but it’s just so hard.
Comment by Jessica (@jessbwatson)— May 24, 2013 #
“Miraculous and Miserable.” I swear I’ve said something similar, but right now I don’t get the miraculous part. It all hurts too much; but I take heart that you can say such a thing because maybe, then, I’ll feel that way, too. One day.
Comment by Denise— August 13, 2013 #
[…] the parade but for the most part I have not been as emotional as I was at the end of 1st grade and kindergarten. I am not sure that if it was Evan’s words of wisdom or the fact that one of the twins had […]
Pingback by the sun and the earth | A Mourning Mom— June 12, 2015 #