The Best Ever Big Brother and Sister

April 14, 2013 at 10:22 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, life after loss, Love, Sawyer, twins | 8 Comments
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Recently, the twins have started to read.  Gone are the days when Evan and I are the only readers of bed time books.

When I was pregnant with Sawyer I bought the twins “Best Ever Big Brother” and “Best Ever Big Sister.”  I bought the books to help with the adjustment of having a new sibling.  The twins have always known about their big brother Jake but they never met him.

After Sawyer died I thought I had taken the books out of their room and put them away.  I apparently did not because the other night the twins dug up the “best ever” books.

As I was putting away their clean clothes, the twins each read their version of the “best ever” books.  I could not move as my already shattered heart broke just a bit more every time one of twins read the lines meant for Sawyer, “One day you’ll be big like me.”

My tears over hearing those books read overshadowed my pride that the twins are actually reading by themselves.

Once again, I am reminded that I lead a double life.  I am here with the twins and Evan.   Then there is the other part of me who is on planet my baby died with Jake and Sawyer.  I try to keep my double life in balance.  I try my best to stay present with the twins but Jake and Sawyer are always with me too.  Most of the time it works but sometimes the balance just breaks.

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8 Comments »

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  1. Completely understand why you feel like you are living a double life. Miss you. xo

  2. Love you, Lanie. You are such a special person and Alyssa and Fletcher are gorgeous….both inside and out. Jennie

  3. I think it’s totally normal to feel split like you do. It’s normal and okay to mourn what you have lost And be super proud of your little readers.

  4. Someone needs to write a book for moms like us/kids like ours.

  5. Beautiful pictures of the best ever big brother and big sister. I love that Fletcher and Alyssa talk often of Jake and Sawyer. That is because they have the best ever mom.

  6. I agree with Amy. You are raising amazing kids. Hugs to you!

  7. My heart broke a little more just reading that. Much love to you.

  8. Love the pictures of the kids! And realize that it’s ok to let go like that when you need to…it’s all part of what you need to do to continue onwards…


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