Hearts

November 10, 2015 at 7:22 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss, Love, twins | 7 Comments
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Today the twins had their check up with the pediatric cardiologist.  They were both rock stars during the tests.  Their hearts are structurally normal.  Everything is fine.  We will continue regular activity and come back for our next check up.

These are the results that I want to hear but I would be lying if I said that was all I want to hear.  I know that it is not realistic, but I want someone to explain to me the cause of Sawyer’s death.  I want there to be a medical answer – something I can protect the twins from ever getting.  I want to understand but I know it is very possible that will never happen.

In the meantime, the doctors want to continue to monitor the twins hearts while they are still growing.   Medical discoveries are being made every day.  Maybe one day the channelopathy (or whatever caused Sawyer’s death) will be found.

All I know for sure is that I will continue to love the twins and protect them the best that we can.  And their brothers will continue to live on in all of our hearts forever.

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Remembering

October 20, 2015 at 9:36 pm | Posted in after death?, Jake, Love, Sawyer | 6 Comments
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quote - thank you

For remembering Jake.

And many thanks for remembering Sawyer.

I am forever grateful to all who keep Jake’s and Sawyer’s memories alive.

Life goes on (as it should) but another one of the important lessons I have learned in the 10 years since Jake died is I am no longer the same person.  Some call it their new normal.  I do not think there is anything normal about outliving your child/children.

As a surviving parent I am left to make sense of the unexplainable.  Some say that we all have purposes in life which we fulfill throughout our lifetimes.  So does that mean that Jake and Sawyer just fulfilled their purpose very quickly and therefore they had very short lives?

I wonder what were their purposes?  Are Evan and I supposed to help or continue their purposes?  I may never know the answers to these questions but I do know that I want Jake and Sawyer to be remembered.

The other day there was a discussion in the back seat of our car about ages of the twins’ friends and their siblings.  One of their friends has a brother who was born in September of 2009.  Another friend has a little sister born in December of 2009.   After we had dropped off their friends, Evan and I talked to the twins about their little brother, Sawyer, who was born in November of 2009.

Remembering
By Elizabeth Dent

Go ahead and mention my child,
The one that died, you know.
Don’t worry about hurting me further
The depth of my pain doesn’t show.
I’m already crying inside.
The tears that I try to hide.
I’m hurting when you just keep silent.
Pretending he didn’t exist.
I’d rather you mention my child.
Knowing that he has been missed.
You ask me how I was doing.
I say “pretty good” or “fine”.
But the healing is something ongoing.
I feel it will take a lifetime.

 

 

Walking to Remember – Together

September 30, 2015 at 10:36 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss | 4 Comments
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One of the difficult and important lessons that I learned after Jake’s death is that I cannot do this alone.  After Jake died, Evan and I were told about support groups.  At the time, I could barely come to terms with the fact that Jake was dead and I was not.  The thought of going to a group where everyone told their own tragic story of their child’s death seemed unimaginable to me.

Then one excruciatingly dark day in January of 2006, I realized that I needed to know how other parents got up every morning and live in a world without their child/children.  Evan and I decided that it was time to go to a support group.

Every year since Jake (and then Sawyer) died we have walked in the Atlanta Walk to Remember.   It is an event to connect parents and families together to express grief and remember our babies, and to raise awareness.  It is not a fundraiser.

It is just a time to remember our lost babies together.

This year the walk will be held on October 4th.  For more information and/or to register for the walk click here:

Atlanta Walk to Remember

what i have learned in the 10 years since Jake died

August 31, 2015 at 9:44 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, Jake, life after loss, Love, why I write | 11 Comments
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Dear Jake,
Another August has come and gone – the 10th August since you left this world.  I honestly was not sure that I would make it – 10 years seems like an eternity at times but I still find it so hard to believe that it has been that long since your dad and I last held you.

The first thing that I learned is that I will make it through the days, months and years without you.  I do not like it and it is excruciatingly hard.  But, your dad and I were not given a choice.  We are still alive.

I started writing this blog when you were gone for 5 years.  Five years also seemed impossible.  You would have started kindergarten and your brother Sawyer had died so unexpectedly 8 months earlier.   A therapist and a few friends suggested I try writing.  I thought why not – maybe I can help myself and possibly help others.

I think I had visions that one day I would change the name of the blog to something other than a mourning mom.  It turns out 5 years later I am still a mourning mom.  I have not found a cure for hydrops or premature birth.  In fact, we still do not even know what caused Sawyer’s death.  I have not started a non-profit or a race.  And, I still have days when I cannot stop crying because I miss you and your brother so much.

I wanted to write what I have learned in these 10 years living in this world without you.  I thought I could write one post to sum it all up but it is not quite that easy.  So, this my sweet Jake will just be part 1.   I will write to hopefully help others through their own journey.  And, even if I cannot help others I know that in another 5 years I will look back on these posts to help myself figure out how to survive the 10 year deathiversary of your baby brother.

Fabulous Friday

June 26, 2015 at 4:44 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love | 3 Comments
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I am trying to stick to my spring resolution of looking for happiness.  It is not always easy but I did not have to look very far today because when I went to write this post this is what I saw on WordPress:

hurray

How fantastic is it that the Supreme Court ruled today to legalize gay marriage nationwide?! And it is great that WordPress is helping to celebrate the good news.

Other, more local, happy moments I found are the following:

  •  I am always joking that I wish I could wrap the twins up in bubble wrap to protect them from the world.  Well, the other weekend they wrapped themselves up. . .

Bubble Wrap

 

  • Did you know that there are shirts with built-in chest protectors?  I learned about them this week.  The twins went to baseball camp and came home asking for shirts to protect their hearts.  How could I not get them?

Heart Protectors

Hope that you all have a fabulous weekend!

I still hate cancer

June 18, 2015 at 11:18 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss | 3 Comments
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I am once again silent and stuck. I am hoping that writing helps.  My amazing cousin’s mom was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer and her heart is failing.

My amazing cousin’s mom and my mom are first cousins.  I am heartbroken for my cousins, my mom and the fact that I feel so helpless.

quote - love never fails

the sun and the earth

June 12, 2015 at 7:28 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss | 4 Comments
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The twins finished school on May 22nd.  Their elementary school is divided into 2 campuses (k-2 is in the primary campus and 3-5 is in the intermediate campus about a mile away).

The pictures below are from their 2nd graduation parade.  They both picked out the same concert t-shirt to wear.

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Evan said that I should not be sad about the twins going to 3rd grade and at the same time be sad that Sawyer is not starting kindergarten.  The twins growing up and finishing 2nd grade is the way life should be unlike Sawyer (and Jake) who are forever frozen in time.

I did cry in the corner a little bit during the parade but for the most part I have not been as emotional as I was at the end of 1st grade and kindergarten.  I am not sure that if it was Evan’s words of wisdom or the fact that one of the twins had a temperature of 103.8 on the last day of school but we have left the primary campus without too many tears.

So far this summer because of life and work the twins have been spending time with a babysitter.  When I got home from work yesterday they were both so excited to tell me that they went to the park and checked on Jake and Sawyer’s trees.  I have not visited the trees to check on them in such a long time.  It made me so happy that the twins thought to do it.

quote - hafiz-sun

Look for the Happy

May 24, 2015 at 5:55 pm | Posted in Anniversaries, life after loss | 6 Comments
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On the road of life, it is not where you go
but who you are with that makes the difference.

Author Unknown

A very happy Birthday to my brother!

1972

And, a very happy anniversary to Evan!

image

our kids

May 20, 2015 at 10:18 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love | 3 Comments
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Over the years one of the twins has drawn different versions of our family portrait.  This is her latest creation that she drew a few weekends ago at the March of Dimes’ March for Babies.

March of Dimes 2015 - art

Her imagination of what Jake and Sawyer would look like makes me happy and so does she and her twin brother.

 

 

March of Dimes’ March for Babies

May 12, 2015 at 10:15 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love | 4 Comments
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Last weekend we walked and remembered Jake, Sawyer and all the other babies who were not there to march with us.  In the 1950’s the March of Dimes helped to fund the cure for polio – which led to the effective end of the disease.  Who knows maybe some day there will be similar medical breakthroughs that will help to end infant mortality and there will be less flowers in the memorial garden.

March of Dimes 2015 - memorial garden

Thank you so much for again supporting our team this year and in past years.  We appreciate all of your amazing kindness and generosity.

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