Happy Earth Day, the audacity of Hope (& if you are looking for my lipstick it is in the freezer)
April 22, 2019 at 8:54 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons, Love, silver lining | 7 CommentsTags: gratitude, hope, life, March of Dimes
Happy Earth day to you all! I found the picture below in my daughter’s room this morning. It made me so happy and hopeful. She said I could post it as long as I give her credit. All artistic credit goes to @lyssa_and_art on instagram.
As many of you know Evan, the twins and I have been waiting for him to get a call for new lungs. The waiting is excruciating. Despite everything, Evan continues to hope. Not only does he hope for new lungs but he also still dares to hope that no parent will have to outlive their child/children. He is still on the board of the Atlanta March of Dimes. Although our family will not actually be walking this year Evan has not given up. Jake’s Journey and Sawyer’s Strides is still hoping.
Thank you to all those who supported our team this year and in past years. Thank you also to the hospital for matching funds. We appreciate all of your kindness and generosity. If you would like to support Jake’s Journey & Sawyer’s Strides please click this link.
As for me, i am still hoping too. Hoping for the earth. Hoping for Evan’s new lungs. Hoping that no parent has to bury their child/children.
I am no longer hoping to find my lipstick because after searching for a week I found it in the freezer. Seems like as good a place as any to keep it.
Practicing Positivity
April 26, 2018 at 10:22 pm | Posted in Grief | 3 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, gratitude, hope, March of Dimes, premature birth, thoughts, ways to honor the memory of your child
It is nice to think about trying to make a positive change come out of a negative situation. But no one can truly make the death of a child into a positive. That pain never goes away. This is my reality; our reality. I miss Jake and Sawyer every day. I ache for them always. I cannot make their deaths positive.
I can, however, remember them and love them. I can honor their brother and sister who are here with us, who also help us remember them. And, I can try to prevent other children from dying. I do not want any other families to have to live in a world without their child/children.
So, this coming weekend, I will try to do that by Marching. Marching in memory of Jake and Sawyer, in honor of our twins (who march with us), and to support the March of Dimes which strives to help every baby be born healthy, so no parent will have to go through what we have lived through and live every day.
Thank you to all those who have already supported our March of Dimes, March for Babies team this year and in past years. Thank you also to the hospital where our kids were all born for matching funds so that $1 donated = $2 to March of Dimes. The March of Dimes uses the funds on key research, education and outreach programs. They do great work, and we appreciate all of your kindness and generosity. If you would like to support Jake’s Journey & Sawyer’s Strides , and make sure my marching helps other families, please click this link. Thank you so very much.
what to do when reality bites
May 4, 2017 at 8:18 pm | Posted in Grief, silver lining | 4 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, gratitude, hope, life after loss, love, March of Dimes, ways to honor the memory of your child
Here is my reality – I will never be able to bring Sawyer and Jake back to life. I will never hold Sawyer again.
I will never hold Jake again.
I cannot change my reality but I can help others. I will do anything and everything I can to prevent other children from dying too soon. I do not want any other families to have to live in a world without their child/children.
This weekend what I will do to try to help is walk. Thank you to all those who supported our March of Dimes, March for Babies team this year and in past years. Thank you also to the hospital for matching funds. We appreciate all of your kindness and generosity. If you would like to support Jake’s Journey & Sawyer’s Strides please click this link.
Hope
April 18, 2017 at 2:18 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love | 4 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, hope, love, March of Dimes, running, signs, thoughts
Some days hope is hard to find. On my running route, I have discovered a few hints that there is always hope. One time I stumbled upon this sign of hope:
And, on another run I came across this one:
The signs are on telephone poles but that is okay with me. I will take hope however and wherever I can find it.
On my run the other day, I noticed that one of the signs had been painted.
I like to believe that I can still catch a glimpse of hope even though it is now harder to find.
Possibilities and Playing Pokémon
March 20, 2017 at 2:22 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss | 5 CommentsTags: family, lemonade stand, love, March of Dimes, perspective, Pokemon Go, thoughts, ways to honor the memory of your child
Yesterday turned into an unexpected mix of spending time with all 4 of my children.
The day started out with Evan and I dropping off the twins at Sunday school and then going over to the cemetery to visit Jake and Sawyer.
The twins (and I) play Pokémon Go. The cemetery happens to have a crazy amount of Pokémon stops – which is where the balls to catch Pokémon are collected. Below is a picture of the cemetery. The blue squares are all Pokémon stops.
The odd thing to me is that apparently some people come to the cemetery just to play Pokémon. What might be even more odd is that I like the fact that where Jake and Sawyer are buried is right near a particular Pokémon stop (see below). I like to think in some cosmic way that Jake and Sawyer are playing the same game that the twins and I are playing.
In addition to playing Pokémon Go, the twins decided that yesterday would be a great day for a Lemonade Stand to remember their brothers. They set one up at the end of our driveway and raised money and awareness for the March of Dimes.
Would you like to join us in our efforts? You can just click on this link and then click the “Walk with Me” button to join our Walk Team. If that is not in the cards (which we know for most of you it is not), consider whether you can support us in our fundraising efforts. Every dollar counts, and every dollar is matched by the hospital where our kids were born, so $1 donated = $2 to the March of Dimes. Click on this link and click the “Donate Now” button. Thanks for your support and any donation you can make!
“Don’t cry because it is over. Smile because it happened.” Dr. Seuss
November 17, 2016 at 1:52 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love | 7 CommentsTags: #WorldPrematurityDay, Georgia Gives Day, gratitude, happy birthday, hope, life after loss, March of Dimes, not a dark day
Sawyer,
Today is World Prematurity Day so I am wearing purple in memory and in honor of your oldest brother Jake and all the other babies born into this world too soon. Today is Georgia Gives Back day so I just drove food to a shelter and will be making donations in honor of you and your siblings.
Today is also the day that we welcomed you to the world! Today I want to celebrate wonderful little you. Today I am going to read all the congratulations emails we received after you were born because last night I discovered your Dad kept them all (and I have never seen them). Today I will give presents to your brother and sister for your birthday because there do not seem to be any rules on how to celebrate your 7th birthday without you – so, I am trying to make up my own. Today I will try to smile, not to cry (but please forgive me if I do).
Today you gave me the gift of being your mama and for that I am forever grateful to you my sweet Sawyer.
Research & Rainbows
July 22, 2016 at 4:44 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, Sawyer, silver lining | 2 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, hope, life after loss, March of Dimes, rainbows, ways to honor the memory of your child
Evan and I have spent the past few days at the March of Dimes national conference. We met amazing people and other family teams from all over the country committed to the cause of healthy babies. We heard doctors speak about the research that is being done to lower the alarming rate of infant mortality.
Every year 23,000 babies in the United States of America do not live to celebrate their first birthday due to prematurity alone (this number does not include still born babies or babies who die due to known or still unknown birth defects and genetic conditions).
Jake and Sawyer will forever be a statistic of infant mortality from the years 2005 and 2009. I cannot change those facts.
I can commit to doing whatever I can to help reduce those 23,000 deaths of babies born too soon. I do not want any other families to stand by/watch their child/children take their last breath.
In one discussion at the conference, the topic of “Rainbow Babies” – babies born to families after the prior death or stillborn birth of a child – came up. I am so thankful to the March of Dimes’ doctors, researchers and volunteers. Without all of their hard work ours and many other families’ rainbow babies may not be here.
As I have written about before, the twins and I are always searching for rainbows. We have not had a rainbow baby after Sawyer (he was a rainbow himself, of course), but perhaps our rainbow is a part of lots of other little babies we are helping through the March of Dimes.
The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. – Dolly Parton
A “rainbow baby” is a baby born following the death of your child. Urban Dictionary defines a rainbow baby as the following:
“In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison.
The storm (pregnancy/child loss) has already happened and nothing can change that experience. Storm clouds might still be overhead as the family continues to cope with the loss, but something colorful and bright has emerged from the darkness and misery.”
After Jake died Evan and I both knew that we wanted to try to become parents again. I mistakenly thought that after your child dies you should get some sort of “get a baby free pass”. There was no pass for us. When we did start trying again we found ourselves on the roller coaster of infertility. We started with cycles of injectables. We moved onto 6 rounds of IUI’s (think turkey baster if you are not familiar with this term). Finally after 2 IVF cycles we were so very lucky to have our own rainbow babies in July of 2007.
In the fall of 2009 we once again had a rainbow baby.
Who knew another storm would come so soon? I am trying to learn from the twins how to look for rainbows everywhere. Some days it is harder than others to find any light through the darkness. The twins are pretty good teachers because the other day I looked out of the office building where I was working and this is what I saw. . .
After a hurricane comes a rainbow – Katy Perry
Jake’s Journey and Sawyer’s Strides – #7 March of Dimes Family Team in the Nation!
May 20, 2016 at 6:14 pm | Posted in Grief | 4 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, hope, life after loss, March of Dimes, perspective, ways to honor the memory of your child
Very exciting news that Jake’s Journey and Sawyer’s Strides is the #7 March of Dimes Family Team in the nation!
I would be lying to you if I did not admit that I wish I was writing about something cute or funny that Jake and Sawyer had done. I will never be able to write about Jake and Sawyer’s adventures that they would have had in this world. Despite the fact that they are dead, they have taught me and continue to teach me so much about life and love. I am proud and lucky to be their mom.
Thank you, thank you to all who have supported and to continue to support our family (our March of Dimes team and otherwise). I am hopeful that there will be more teams in honor (as opposed to in memory) of children because of Jake and Sawyer. Thank you all so very much!
Saturday
April 28, 2016 at 10:38 pm | Posted in Grief | 5 CommentsTags: child loss, dark days, death of a baby, hope, life after loss, March of Dimes, perspective, premature birth
Early one Saturday in August of 2005 was the first and last time that Evan and I held Jake.
Late afternoon one rainy Saturday in July of 2007 Evan and I met the twins for the first time.
Another Saturday, in December of 2009 Evan and I were told that Sawyer was dead.
This Saturday we will walk in the March of Dimes, March for Babies with 2 of our children and in memory of our other 2. There should be something good that comes from Jake and Sawyer’s lives. There is nothing that will bring them back but this Saturday we will hope for the bright futures of other babies. Thank you to all who are walking with us and supporting us.
Marching for Hope
March 30, 2016 at 8:28 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love | 2 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, Jake, life after loss, love, March of Dimes, Sawyer, thoughts, ways to honor the memory of your child
I do not like it but I have accepted the fact that Jake and Sawyer have died. However, I refuse to give up hope that other babies can live. I do not know how to save these lives but the March of Dimes does. Please if you are in Atlanta consider walking with us on April 30, 2016. Click this link to join Jake’s Journey and Sawyer’s Strides. If that is not in the cards, consider whether you can support us in our fundraising efforts by clicking this link.
Every day, thousands of babies are born too soon, too small and often very sick — just like Jake was almost 11 years ago. Likewise, thousands of babies are born with birth defects or unknown medical problems that cause great hardships or unexpected deaths — just like what happened to Sawyer more than 6 years ago. We will be walking in March for Babies again this year because we NEED to do something about this, so that no family has to go through what we dealt with when Jake was born at 26 weeks, and no family kisses their child goodnight and never gets to kiss them good morning the next day like what happened with Sawyer. And we need your help. Please support our walk and fundraising efforts. Every dollar makes a difference. And in our case, every $1 = $2 due to a generous match by Northside Hospital. The March of Dimes uses the funds on key research, education and outreach programs. But we need your support. Nothing can be more important than all of us having healthy babies. Making a secure donation is easy: just click here. Thank you for helping us give all babies a healthy start! And thank you for helping us honor and remember Jake and Sawyer’s far-too-short lives.
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