Practicing Positivity
April 26, 2018 at 10:22 pm | Posted in Grief | 3 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, gratitude, hope, March of Dimes, premature birth, thoughts, ways to honor the memory of your child
It is nice to think about trying to make a positive change come out of a negative situation. But no one can truly make the death of a child into a positive. That pain never goes away. This is my reality; our reality. I miss Jake and Sawyer every day. I ache for them always. I cannot make their deaths positive.
I can, however, remember them and love them. I can honor their brother and sister who are here with us, who also help us remember them. And, I can try to prevent other children from dying. I do not want any other families to have to live in a world without their child/children.
So, this coming weekend, I will try to do that by Marching. Marching in memory of Jake and Sawyer, in honor of our twins (who march with us), and to support the March of Dimes which strives to help every baby be born healthy, so no parent will have to go through what we have lived through and live every day.
Thank you to all those who have already supported our March of Dimes, March for Babies team this year and in past years. Thank you also to the hospital where our kids were all born for matching funds so that $1 donated = $2 to March of Dimes. The March of Dimes uses the funds on key research, education and outreach programs. They do great work, and we appreciate all of your kindness and generosity. If you would like to support Jake’s Journey & Sawyer’s Strides , and make sure my marching helps other families, please click this link. Thank you so very much.
Twelve
August 27, 2017 at 10:28 pm | Posted in Grief | 9 CommentsTags: anniversaries, death of a baby, Jake, life after loss
“It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.” Rose Kennedy
Dear Jake,
I started to write to you on your birthday. I wanted to tell you how much we love and miss you but I just could not write. This year your birthday and your yahrzeit were on the same date. The happiest and the saddest day all in one. Today is the English date that you died. Twelve years ago. I miss you today and every day, even when I can not write to you. I will look for you in my dreams. Love you sweet boy.
Hope
April 18, 2017 at 2:18 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love | 4 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, hope, love, March of Dimes, running, signs, thoughts
Some days hope is hard to find. On my running route, I have discovered a few hints that there is always hope. One time I stumbled upon this sign of hope:
And, on another run I came across this one:
The signs are on telephone poles but that is okay with me. I will take hope however and wherever I can find it.
On my run the other day, I noticed that one of the signs had been painted.
I like to believe that I can still catch a glimpse of hope even though it is now harder to find.
Wave of Light
October 14, 2016 at 4:44 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love | 4 CommentsTags: baby loss, death of a baby, hope, Wave of Light - October 15th
Tomorrow is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. As part of the day, everyone is invited to light a candle at 7 pm in all time zones, all over the world. The idea is that if everyone lights a candle at 7 pm and keeps it burning for at least 1 hour, there will be a continuous wave of light.
Today and every day I miss Jake and Sawyer but tomorrow at 7 pm we will light candles. This year I will once again hope that the light from all the candles will make the darkness of the unknown a little brighter.
Atlanta Walk to Remember 2016
September 28, 2016 at 8:18 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, Love, Sawyer | 5 CommentsTags: Atlanta Walk to Remember, baby loss, child loss, dark days, death of a baby, hope, life after loss, ways to honor the memory of your child
Atlanta Walk to Remember 2015
Losing a child is one of the most devastating and lonely events which can happen to a human being. I wish that none of us lived in a world without our child/children. However, the reality is that parents from every religion, class and country have outlived their children.
Every year since Jake (and then Sawyer) died we have walked in the Atlanta Walk to Remember. It is an event to connect parents and families together to express grief and remember our babies, and to raise awareness. It is not a fundraiser.
It is just a time to remember our lost children together.
The 12th Annual Atlanta Walk to Remember is the first Sunday of October. For more information about the walk in Atlanta click here. For information about walks and events in other locations click here.
Research & Rainbows
July 22, 2016 at 4:44 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, Sawyer, silver lining | 2 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, hope, life after loss, March of Dimes, rainbows, ways to honor the memory of your child
Evan and I have spent the past few days at the March of Dimes national conference. We met amazing people and other family teams from all over the country committed to the cause of healthy babies. We heard doctors speak about the research that is being done to lower the alarming rate of infant mortality.
Every year 23,000 babies in the United States of America do not live to celebrate their first birthday due to prematurity alone (this number does not include still born babies or babies who die due to known or still unknown birth defects and genetic conditions).
Jake and Sawyer will forever be a statistic of infant mortality from the years 2005 and 2009. I cannot change those facts.
I can commit to doing whatever I can to help reduce those 23,000 deaths of babies born too soon. I do not want any other families to stand by/watch their child/children take their last breath.
In one discussion at the conference, the topic of “Rainbow Babies” – babies born to families after the prior death or stillborn birth of a child – came up. I am so thankful to the March of Dimes’ doctors, researchers and volunteers. Without all of their hard work ours and many other families’ rainbow babies may not be here.
As I have written about before, the twins and I are always searching for rainbows. We have not had a rainbow baby after Sawyer (he was a rainbow himself, of course), but perhaps our rainbow is a part of lots of other little babies we are helping through the March of Dimes.
The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. – Dolly Parton
A “rainbow baby” is a baby born following the death of your child. Urban Dictionary defines a rainbow baby as the following:
“In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison.
The storm (pregnancy/child loss) has already happened and nothing can change that experience. Storm clouds might still be overhead as the family continues to cope with the loss, but something colorful and bright has emerged from the darkness and misery.”
After Jake died Evan and I both knew that we wanted to try to become parents again. I mistakenly thought that after your child dies you should get some sort of “get a baby free pass”. There was no pass for us. When we did start trying again we found ourselves on the roller coaster of infertility. We started with cycles of injectables. We moved onto 6 rounds of IUI’s (think turkey baster if you are not familiar with this term). Finally after 2 IVF cycles we were so very lucky to have our own rainbow babies in July of 2007.
In the fall of 2009 we once again had a rainbow baby.
Who knew another storm would come so soon? I am trying to learn from the twins how to look for rainbows everywhere. Some days it is harder than others to find any light through the darkness. The twins are pretty good teachers because the other day I looked out of the office building where I was working and this is what I saw. . .
After a hurricane comes a rainbow – Katy Perry
Jake’s Journey and Sawyer’s Strides – #7 March of Dimes Family Team in the Nation!
May 20, 2016 at 6:14 pm | Posted in Grief | 4 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, hope, life after loss, March of Dimes, perspective, ways to honor the memory of your child
Very exciting news that Jake’s Journey and Sawyer’s Strides is the #7 March of Dimes Family Team in the nation!
I would be lying to you if I did not admit that I wish I was writing about something cute or funny that Jake and Sawyer had done. I will never be able to write about Jake and Sawyer’s adventures that they would have had in this world. Despite the fact that they are dead, they have taught me and continue to teach me so much about life and love. I am proud and lucky to be their mom.
Thank you, thank you to all who have supported and to continue to support our family (our March of Dimes team and otherwise). I am hopeful that there will be more teams in honor (as opposed to in memory) of children because of Jake and Sawyer. Thank you all so very much!
Mother’s Day Marketing
May 12, 2016 at 11:10 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, life after loss, Sawyer | 6 CommentsTags: baby loss, cemetery, child loss, death of a baby, hope, life after loss, mother's day, Sawyer
As I have done every year since Jake died, I went to the cemetery on Mother’s Day . It is a very busy day at the cemetery, possibly the busiest day all year. I understand that the marketing people want to make the most of the day. There is always a little table set up. Last year they gave out gift bags. The year before there was a Mother’s Day cookout (along with free t-shirts). This year they opted to give out a survey and a rose.
I do not have any better ideas for their marketing team but I do appreciate their effort. Death is a part of life that is difficult to talk about. I appreciate their efforts to help grieving family and friends. I think I will write on the survey that a flower and a survey are better than a cookout at the cemetery but I do wonder what they will come up with for next year.
Saturday
April 28, 2016 at 10:38 pm | Posted in Grief | 5 CommentsTags: child loss, dark days, death of a baby, hope, life after loss, March of Dimes, perspective, premature birth
Early one Saturday in August of 2005 was the first and last time that Evan and I held Jake.
Late afternoon one rainy Saturday in July of 2007 Evan and I met the twins for the first time.
Another Saturday, in December of 2009 Evan and I were told that Sawyer was dead.
This Saturday we will walk in the March of Dimes, March for Babies with 2 of our children and in memory of our other 2. There should be something good that comes from Jake and Sawyer’s lives. There is nothing that will bring them back but this Saturday we will hope for the bright futures of other babies. Thank you to all who are walking with us and supporting us.
Marching for Hope
March 30, 2016 at 8:28 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love | 2 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, Jake, life after loss, love, March of Dimes, Sawyer, thoughts, ways to honor the memory of your child
I do not like it but I have accepted the fact that Jake and Sawyer have died. However, I refuse to give up hope that other babies can live. I do not know how to save these lives but the March of Dimes does. Please if you are in Atlanta consider walking with us on April 30, 2016. Click this link to join Jake’s Journey and Sawyer’s Strides. If that is not in the cards, consider whether you can support us in our fundraising efforts by clicking this link.
Every day, thousands of babies are born too soon, too small and often very sick — just like Jake was almost 11 years ago. Likewise, thousands of babies are born with birth defects or unknown medical problems that cause great hardships or unexpected deaths — just like what happened to Sawyer more than 6 years ago. We will be walking in March for Babies again this year because we NEED to do something about this, so that no family has to go through what we dealt with when Jake was born at 26 weeks, and no family kisses their child goodnight and never gets to kiss them good morning the next day like what happened with Sawyer. And we need your help. Please support our walk and fundraising efforts. Every dollar makes a difference. And in our case, every $1 = $2 due to a generous match by Northside Hospital. The March of Dimes uses the funds on key research, education and outreach programs. But we need your support. Nothing can be more important than all of us having healthy babies. Making a secure donation is easy: just click here. Thank you for helping us give all babies a healthy start! And thank you for helping us honor and remember Jake and Sawyer’s far-too-short lives.
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