what to do when reality bites

May 4, 2017 at 8:18 pm | Posted in Grief, silver lining | 4 Comments
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Here is my reality – I will never be able to bring Sawyer and Jake back to life.  I will never hold Sawyer again.

I will never hold Jake again.

I cannot change my reality but I can help others.   I will do anything and everything I can to prevent other children from dying too soon.  I do not want any other families to have to live in a world without their child/children.

This weekend what I will do to try to help is walk. Thank you to all those who supported our March of Dimes, March for Babies team this year and in past years. Thank you also to the hospital for matching funds.  We appreciate all of your kindness and generosity.   If you would like to support Jake’s Journey & Sawyer’s Strides please click this link.

 

 

“Don’t cry because it is over. Smile because it happened.” Dr. Seuss

November 17, 2016 at 1:52 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love | 7 Comments
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Sawyer,
Today is World Prematurity Day so I am wearing purple in memory and in honor of your oldest brother Jake and all the other babies born into this world too soon.  Today is Georgia Gives Back day so I just drove food to a shelter and will be making donations in honor of you and your siblings.

Today is also the day that we welcomed you to the world! Today I want to celebrate wonderful little you.  Today I am going to read all the congratulations emails we received after you were born because last night I discovered your Dad kept them all (and I have never seen them).  Today I will give presents to your brother and sister for your birthday because there do not seem to be any rules on how to celebrate your 7th birthday without you – so,  I am trying to make up my own.  Today I will try to smile, not to cry (but please forgive me if I do).

Today you gave me the gift of being your mama and for that I am forever grateful to you my sweet Sawyer.

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Dear Jake

August 14, 2015 at 11:18 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love | 8 Comments
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Happy 10th birthday sweet boy.   Thank you for making me a mother.   I have tried really hard today to focus on how lucky we are to have had you in our lives even for such a short time.   The doctors and the statistics were not in favor of us spending any time on this earth together.  You beat the odds and you were born alive.   Then the doctors told us that you most likely would not live through the night – but again you proved them wrong.   You were such a brave and strong fighter.  Thank you for fighting so hard and for making Evan and me parents for the very first time.

I am trying to be brave and strong too but 10 years is an impossibly long time to live in this world without you.   I miss you today and always.  I hope that wherever you are you know how much you are loved and missed.

Fabulous Friday

June 26, 2015 at 4:44 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love | 3 Comments
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I am trying to stick to my spring resolution of looking for happiness.  It is not always easy but I did not have to look very far today because when I went to write this post this is what I saw on WordPress:

hurray

How fantastic is it that the Supreme Court ruled today to legalize gay marriage nationwide?! And it is great that WordPress is helping to celebrate the good news.

Other, more local, happy moments I found are the following:

  •  I am always joking that I wish I could wrap the twins up in bubble wrap to protect them from the world.  Well, the other weekend they wrapped themselves up. . .

Bubble Wrap

 

  • Did you know that there are shirts with built-in chest protectors?  I learned about them this week.  The twins went to baseball camp and came home asking for shirts to protect their hearts.  How could I not get them?

Heart Protectors

Hope that you all have a fabulous weekend!

the sun and the earth

June 12, 2015 at 7:28 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss | 4 Comments
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The twins finished school on May 22nd.  Their elementary school is divided into 2 campuses (k-2 is in the primary campus and 3-5 is in the intermediate campus about a mile away).

The pictures below are from their 2nd graduation parade.  They both picked out the same concert t-shirt to wear.

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Evan said that I should not be sad about the twins going to 3rd grade and at the same time be sad that Sawyer is not starting kindergarten.  The twins growing up and finishing 2nd grade is the way life should be unlike Sawyer (and Jake) who are forever frozen in time.

I did cry in the corner a little bit during the parade but for the most part I have not been as emotional as I was at the end of 1st grade and kindergarten.  I am not sure that if it was Evan’s words of wisdom or the fact that one of the twins had a temperature of 103.8 on the last day of school but we have left the primary campus without too many tears.

So far this summer because of life and work the twins have been spending time with a babysitter.  When I got home from work yesterday they were both so excited to tell me that they went to the park and checked on Jake and Sawyer’s trees.  I have not visited the trees to check on them in such a long time.  It made me so happy that the twins thought to do it.

quote - hafiz-sun

our kids

May 20, 2015 at 10:18 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love | 3 Comments
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Over the years one of the twins has drawn different versions of our family portrait.  This is her latest creation that she drew a few weekends ago at the March of Dimes’ March for Babies.

March of Dimes 2015 - art

Her imagination of what Jake and Sawyer would look like makes me happy and so does she and her twin brother.

 

 

March of Dimes’ March for Babies

May 12, 2015 at 10:15 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love | 4 Comments
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Last weekend we walked and remembered Jake, Sawyer and all the other babies who were not there to march with us.  In the 1950’s the March of Dimes helped to fund the cure for polio – which led to the effective end of the disease.  Who knows maybe some day there will be similar medical breakthroughs that will help to end infant mortality and there will be less flowers in the memorial garden.

March of Dimes 2015 - memorial garden

Thank you so much for again supporting our team this year and in past years.  We appreciate all of your amazing kindness and generosity.

baby steps

January 28, 2015 at 7:36 pm | Posted in Grief | 13 Comments
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quote - ernest hemingway

The other day I was alone with a baby. I have not been alone with a baby since my days with Sawyer.

Our neighbor’s baby boy had heart surgery the first week of January.  He is home now and doing great.  I offered to help.  The mom asked if i could stay with the baby while she picked up her other sons from preschool.  As she placed the baby in my arms I silently told myself “I can do this.”  I held him the entire time his mom was gone and I watched his every breath.  He might have almost smiled at me.  My neighbor came home, I placed him back in her arms and agreed to come watch him another day. I did it!

Five

November 16, 2014 at 10:54 pm | Posted in Grief, Love | 10 Comments
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Dear Sawyer,
Tomorrow would/should be your 5th birthday. Five years ago tonight we were all anxiously waiting to meet you. Your Nanny and Pop came to take care of your big brother and sister while your daddy and I went to the hospital.

I still cannot believe that you are not here with us.  Some mornings I wake up and hope that it all has just been a horrific nightmare.  However, you are gone and this is our reality.  You are forever frozen at 6 weeks old. There are no new pictures to post. I know that I am so lucky to have the ones that we did take.  I just wish there were more.

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I miss you so much.  Happy birthday sweet Sawyer!  As always, I will look for you in my dreams.

 

The Bad News and The Good News

September 8, 2014 at 10:45 pm | Posted in Grief | 7 Comments
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The BAD news –  – Jake and Sawyer’s nameplates/headstones are officially rusting (not sure if rusting is the right word but see the picture below).  We spoke to the cemetery people and apparently the manufacturers did not put the correct finish on (or, they completely forgot the finish).  So, this is what it looks like at the moment:

rusting

Do you see the border rusting (or peeling away)?  The letters are starting to go too.  It makes me crazy.  We spoke to the nice people at the cemetery today.  They are going to fix it. The nameplates/headstones and the granite will all be replaced AGAIN.

The GOOD news – –  As part of their Fall collection, Method brought back Rice Milk & Mallow (the scent that reminds us of Sawyer).  And instead of just letting us find it in the store, they sent us all of this!

METHOD IS THE BEST!!

METHOD IS THE BEST!!

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