Happy Earth Day, the audacity of Hope (& if you are looking for my lipstick it is in the freezer)
April 22, 2019 at 8:54 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons, Love, silver lining | 7 CommentsTags: gratitude, hope, life, March of Dimes
Happy Earth day to you all! I found the picture below in my daughter’s room this morning. It made me so happy and hopeful. She said I could post it as long as I give her credit. All artistic credit goes to @lyssa_and_art on instagram.
As many of you know Evan, the twins and I have been waiting for him to get a call for new lungs. The waiting is excruciating. Despite everything, Evan continues to hope. Not only does he hope for new lungs but he also still dares to hope that no parent will have to outlive their child/children. He is still on the board of the Atlanta March of Dimes. Although our family will not actually be walking this year Evan has not given up. Jake’s Journey and Sawyer’s Strides is still hoping.
Thank you to all those who supported our team this year and in past years. Thank you also to the hospital for matching funds. We appreciate all of your kindness and generosity. If you would like to support Jake’s Journey & Sawyer’s Strides please click this link.
As for me, i am still hoping too. Hoping for the earth. Hoping for Evan’s new lungs. Hoping that no parent has to bury their child/children.
I am no longer hoping to find my lipstick because after searching for a week I found it in the freezer. Seems like as good a place as any to keep it.
13
August 14, 2018 at 7:36 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, Jake, Love | 5 CommentsTags: gratitude, happy birthday, Jake, love
Happy birthday Jake! I am so very thankful that you were born. Your dad and I miss you every day, but some days are just a bit harder.
What kind of teenager would you be? Would you be testing my and your dad’s patience? What would you look like? Would you have had a bar mitzvah?
There are so many questions that will never be answered. However, I do know that your dad and I love you. We miss you today and always.
Happy birthday sweet baby boy. I will look for you in my dreams.
Practicing Positivity
April 26, 2018 at 10:22 pm | Posted in Grief | 3 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, gratitude, hope, March of Dimes, premature birth, thoughts, ways to honor the memory of your child
It is nice to think about trying to make a positive change come out of a negative situation. But no one can truly make the death of a child into a positive. That pain never goes away. This is my reality; our reality. I miss Jake and Sawyer every day. I ache for them always. I cannot make their deaths positive.
I can, however, remember them and love them. I can honor their brother and sister who are here with us, who also help us remember them. And, I can try to prevent other children from dying. I do not want any other families to have to live in a world without their child/children.
So, this coming weekend, I will try to do that by Marching. Marching in memory of Jake and Sawyer, in honor of our twins (who march with us), and to support the March of Dimes which strives to help every baby be born healthy, so no parent will have to go through what we have lived through and live every day.
Thank you to all those who have already supported our March of Dimes, March for Babies team this year and in past years. Thank you also to the hospital where our kids were all born for matching funds so that $1 donated = $2 to March of Dimes. The March of Dimes uses the funds on key research, education and outreach programs. They do great work, and we appreciate all of your kindness and generosity. If you would like to support Jake’s Journey & Sawyer’s Strides , and make sure my marching helps other families, please click this link. Thank you so very much.
what to do when reality bites
May 4, 2017 at 8:18 pm | Posted in Grief, silver lining | 4 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, gratitude, hope, life after loss, love, March of Dimes, ways to honor the memory of your child
Here is my reality – I will never be able to bring Sawyer and Jake back to life. I will never hold Sawyer again.
I will never hold Jake again.
I cannot change my reality but I can help others. I will do anything and everything I can to prevent other children from dying too soon. I do not want any other families to have to live in a world without their child/children.
This weekend what I will do to try to help is walk. Thank you to all those who supported our March of Dimes, March for Babies team this year and in past years. Thank you also to the hospital for matching funds. We appreciate all of your kindness and generosity. If you would like to support Jake’s Journey & Sawyer’s Strides please click this link.
“Don’t cry because it is over. Smile because it happened.” Dr. Seuss
November 17, 2016 at 1:52 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love | 7 CommentsTags: #WorldPrematurityDay, Georgia Gives Day, gratitude, happy birthday, hope, life after loss, March of Dimes, not a dark day
Sawyer,
Today is World Prematurity Day so I am wearing purple in memory and in honor of your oldest brother Jake and all the other babies born into this world too soon. Today is Georgia Gives Back day so I just drove food to a shelter and will be making donations in honor of you and your siblings.
Today is also the day that we welcomed you to the world! Today I want to celebrate wonderful little you. Today I am going to read all the congratulations emails we received after you were born because last night I discovered your Dad kept them all (and I have never seen them). Today I will give presents to your brother and sister for your birthday because there do not seem to be any rules on how to celebrate your 7th birthday without you – so, I am trying to make up my own. Today I will try to smile, not to cry (but please forgive me if I do).
Today you gave me the gift of being your mama and for that I am forever grateful to you my sweet Sawyer.
Dear Jake
August 14, 2015 at 11:18 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love | 8 CommentsTags: baby loss, birthday, child loss, death, death of a baby, gratitude, Jake, life after loss
Happy 10th birthday sweet boy. Thank you for making me a mother. I have tried really hard today to focus on how lucky we are to have had you in our lives even for such a short time. The doctors and the statistics were not in favor of us spending any time on this earth together. You beat the odds and you were born alive. Then the doctors told us that you most likely would not live through the night – but again you proved them wrong. You were such a brave and strong fighter. Thank you for fighting so hard and for making Evan and me parents for the very first time.
I am trying to be brave and strong too but 10 years is an impossibly long time to live in this world without you. I miss you today and always. I hope that wherever you are you know how much you are loved and missed.
Fabulous Friday
June 26, 2015 at 4:44 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love | 3 CommentsTags: Gay Marriage legalized, gratitude, happy, hope, Love wins!, new not so normal, rainbows, thoughts
I am trying to stick to my spring resolution of looking for happiness. It is not always easy but I did not have to look very far today because when I went to write this post this is what I saw on WordPress:
How fantastic is it that the Supreme Court ruled today to legalize gay marriage nationwide?! And it is great that WordPress is helping to celebrate the good news.
Other, more local, happy moments I found are the following:
- I am always joking that I wish I could wrap the twins up in bubble wrap to protect them from the world. Well, the other weekend they wrapped themselves up. . .
- Did you know that there are shirts with built-in chest protectors? I learned about them this week. The twins went to baseball camp and came home asking for shirts to protect their hearts. How could I not get them?
Hope that you all have a fabulous weekend!
the sun and the earth
June 12, 2015 at 7:28 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss | 4 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, first grade, gratitude, hope, kindergarten, motherhood, new not so normal, second grade, summer, thoughts, Trees, ways to honor the memory of your child
The twins finished school on May 22nd. Their elementary school is divided into 2 campuses (k-2 is in the primary campus and 3-5 is in the intermediate campus about a mile away).
The pictures below are from their 2nd graduation parade. They both picked out the same concert t-shirt to wear.
Evan said that I should not be sad about the twins going to 3rd grade and at the same time be sad that Sawyer is not starting kindergarten. The twins growing up and finishing 2nd grade is the way life should be unlike Sawyer (and Jake) who are forever frozen in time.
I did cry in the corner a little bit during the parade but for the most part I have not been as emotional as I was at the end of 1st grade and kindergarten. I am not sure that if it was Evan’s words of wisdom or the fact that one of the twins had a temperature of 103.8 on the last day of school but we have left the primary campus without too many tears.
So far this summer because of life and work the twins have been spending time with a babysitter. When I got home from work yesterday they were both so excited to tell me that they went to the park and checked on Jake and Sawyer’s trees. I have not visited the trees to check on them in such a long time. It made me so happy that the twins thought to do it.
our kids
May 20, 2015 at 10:18 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love | 3 CommentsTags: gratitude, March of Dimes, new not so normal, parenthood
Over the years one of the twins has drawn different versions of our family portrait. This is her latest creation that she drew a few weekends ago at the March of Dimes’ March for Babies.
Her imagination of what Jake and Sawyer would look like makes me happy and so does she and her twin brother.
March of Dimes’ March for Babies
May 12, 2015 at 10:15 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love | 4 CommentsTags: death of a baby, gratitude, hope, March of Dimes, new not so normal, premature birth, thoughts, ways to honor the memory of your child
Last weekend we walked and remembered Jake, Sawyer and all the other babies who were not there to march with us. In the 1950’s the March of Dimes helped to fund the cure for polio – which led to the effective end of the disease. Who knows maybe some day there will be similar medical breakthroughs that will help to end infant mortality and there will be less flowers in the memorial garden.
Thank you so much for again supporting our team this year and in past years. We appreciate all of your amazing kindness and generosity.
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