Lost Girl?
November 2, 2012 at 10:22 pm | Posted in after death?, Grief, life after loss, normal? | 5 CommentsTags: child loss, dark days, death of a baby, Jake, new not so normal, post traumatic stress disorder, Sawyer, thoughts, twins, unexplainable
In my younger (pre-children days) I loved to travel. My parents took my brother and me on all kinds of exciting adventures. I was an exchange student in Finland for a summer. I spent a semester in Madrid. My first jobs at times required extensive travel. I was always happy to explore a new city.
In August of 2005, I held Jake,our first son, as he took his last breaths and a part of me died with him. My love for travel was buried with Jake. I could no longer be alone in my house let alone a hotel room in a far away city. Even driving alone in my car was excruciatingly painful for me.
The twins’ birth brought me happiness that I did not think I could/would ever experience again. However, that part of me that died with Jake was still gone. Travel now seemed out of the question. I did not want to let the twins out of my sight. I was no longer alone in the house or the car.
When Sawyer died so unexpectedly my ability to be alone vanished again. The 3 hours twice a week when the twins were in preschool seemed like an eternity to me. For awhile I could not even shower unless other people were in the house.
I do not think I will ever be the person that I was before Jake and Sawyer died. At times I do wonder if that person who loved to travel and see the world is still out there somewhere. . .
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A Mourning Mom 
hope you have a fun weekend….and find at least a piece of “that girl”. xoxo
Comment by lisa petrovich— November 3, 2012 #
My dear friend, I think that that person you once were is still part of you. I also believe that even though you feel alone that everyone who loves you…whether they are still here or if they have passed on…that their love surrounds you. I can imagine that would be impossible to feel at times, I wish I could make it all easier for you. You are, always, in my thoughts and prayers.
Comment by Amy Johnson— November 3, 2012 #
I agree – that old you is still part of you, somewhere… but there is more to you than there used to be. You can’t go back to who you were, because Jake and Sawyer died… but also because they lived. Sometimes I think about that too; would I rather be in a world where Sebastian had never existed at all? And I realize I can’t wish for that, because his existence, however brief, is part of me, just like his death is part of me.
I hope you someday re-find those parts of your old self that you can add to the deeper you that you are now… but only when you’re ready.
Comment by Dilovely— November 3, 2012 #
ditto to lisas post – hope you got to find a little bit of the girl you feel you used to be!
Comment by Susan FB— November 5, 2012 #
I had a wonderful time traveling with you this weekend! You still are your old self, and your new self, all wrapped up into one amazing person and friend!
Comment by Daphne— November 6, 2012 #