Maternity Leave

September 22, 2010 at 4:08 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning | 11 Comments

Every day after Jake’s funeral I would go visit his grave.    As I wrote in this post, I had a c-section.   I was not allowed to go back to work for 6 weeks from the day of the surgery.  I was on maternity leave with no baby at home.  I would go take care of a little plot of grass in Arlington cemetery.  I would cry, bring flowers and sing.   I would go every day without fail.   I felt like the poem below was written about my feelings (however, I am not the author).

Dream

I am drawn quietly to his grave to check on him,

Just as I’d have been drawn quietly to his crib.

I trim the grass around his marker,

And dream of trimming bangs from his forehead.

I place flowers in his vase,

And dream of placing kisses on his cheek.

I hold his memory dear to my heart,

And dream of holding him in my arms.

                                             Author unknown

Four and a half years later I once again found myself on maternity leave with no baby at home.   People often say to me at least you have the twins.   Yes, I am so very lucky that I have the twins.   I am just still so very sad that Sawyer is gone.   The twins no longer can help take care of their little brother.

After Sawyer’s funeral, I could not bring myself to go to the cemetery.   I could not sing – not to Jake, not to the twins and not to Sawyer.   I was silent and so very sad.    There has now come a day that I can go back to the cemetery.    I am even able to sing to Jake, the twins and Sawyer at times.   I am still so very sad and so very lucky that this time around I do have these cheeks that I can kiss.

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11 Comments »

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  1. Those are some precious kissing cheeks for sure!

  2. I can’t believe people say, “at least u have twins.” Of course you’re grateful for your twins but that doesn’t take away your enormous grief. As always, sending love.

  3. And they are so very lucky to have their cheeks kissed by such a loving and wonderful mother. Thinking of you my friend.

  4. And what cheeks they are! And they’re lucky to have you too!

    A beautiful poem there.

  5. I feel lucky that I got to see all 8 of their cheeks this afternoon. ; )

  6. They are the luckiest kids in the world to have been blessed with someone as wonderful as you. Your writing is beautiful, thank you for sharing.

  7. Singing is good for the heart.

  8. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of you, Evan, and the Twins. They are beautiful and so very lucky to have a Mom as loving and sensitive as you are.
    Let’s make a date VERY soon to visit Jake, Sawyer, and the Angel looking over them. Let me know what works for you.

    Love.Penny

  9. It is unfortunate that our moments of joy in this life do not take away our moments of grief. Thanks so much for writing. The twins are beautiful and so are you!

  10. Sending love Lanie. Looking forward to seeing you guys next week.

  11. Lanie – you have such a warm way in speaking of your pain, it is easy to share in your sad memories. My wish is that by writing down your thoughts and feelings, past and present, you can arm yourself with assurance and perspective that will fortify you in the future. Daphne is right: “Those are some precious kissing cheeks for sure.” That you enjoy the twins, that you can sing to them again – that is great.
    Love, Cornelia


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