There is no place like home

June 28, 2011 at 11:18 pm | Posted in Grief | 3 Comments
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“It always amazes me to think that every house on every street is full of so many stories;
so many triumphs and tragedies, and all we see are yards and driveways.” Glenn Close

Evan and I bought our first house the year we got married.  It was a 3 bedroom house.  Our bedroom, a guest bedroom and what we hoped would be a baby’s room.  Jake, our first-born, never came home.  However, during the time I was pregnant and while Jake was alive, we referred to the 3rd bedroom as Jake’s room.

After Jake died, I was not able to go into the room.  I shut the door.  I desperately wanted to move or renovate the house so that Jake’s room no longer existed.  I cannot explain my anger toward the house but it was very real.  Evan and I started to look for houses with a real estate agent.

Luckily, someone wisely advised us not to make any major life changes for at least 6 months to a year after Jake’s death.  We stopped the house search for the time being.

Eighteen months later when we found out that we were expecting the twins my need to move resurfaced.  I did not want the twins to sleep in Jake’s room.  Once again, we started the house search.  We had a contract on one house and it fell through.  I resigned myself to staying in our house.

Miraculously, we found another house when I was 8 months pregnant.  Everything fell into place.  We moved up the street from our old house.  Whatever bad house karma was there I was convinced we were leaving it behind us.  The twins came home from the hospital to their own room.  Jake’s room was still down the street.

Fast forward to the November, 2009 – Sawyer came home.  The night of December 25 he went to sleep in his room.  At 2:46 am on December 26th the paramedics were performing CPR on Sawyer on our bedroom floor.  We are still not sure but it is very possible that Sawyer died in our house that night.

So after leaving one house where Jake had a room which he never slept in, we now live in another house where Sawyer came home, lived for nearly 6 weeks and died.  Funny (or maybe not so funny) how life works.  I am not angry at the house this time.  It does not matter where I live – my memories of Jake and Sawyer will always move with me.


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  1. you can always live with me!! you were the best roomie ever. = )

  2. That’s a beautiful thought — the memories will always be with you, never mind about the lousy houses anyway. And I second Susan’s thought — I’ll take you as a roomie again!

  3. Lanie,

    thank you for writting this line “It does not matter where I live – my memories of Jake and Sawyer will always move with me.” I am thinking of selling my house – too big, too many memories. My husband and I built this house with our own two hands. Over the years we added a beautiful full front porch complete with swing and rocking chairs, we added a patio for family BBQ’s, and a huge back deck with jacuzzi. Five bedrooms is four too many… I needed to be reminded that Jim lives in my heart, not in these rooms…


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