Harriett R. Taylor
August 18, 2018 at 8:18 pm | Posted in Death, Love | 3 CommentsTags: deathiversary, family, grief, hope, hospice, pancreatic cancer
In my family, August is pretty packed with birthdays, anniversaries and deathiversaries. Today along with being Evan’s dad and stepmother’s wedding anniversary it is also the date when my Aunt Harriett died (21 years ago).
Although it has been over 2 decades, I can still feel the pit in my stomach that formed when I was told that she had pancreatic cancer. I remember my parents were on vacation and I needed to call them to let them know this awful news. I remember my hands shaking as I held the phone.
I was very lucky to have known Harriett Taylor, let alone to be her niece. She inspired and helped me in ways that I wish I had been able to tell her during her lifetime. I decided to go to law school during her judicial swearing-in ceremony. I started volunteering at soup kitchens and food banks because she set the example of helping the poor and homeless. She taught me the importance of sending thank you notes.
I remember my aunt’s mother pleading at her hospice bedside to switch places with her. I learned that it is not possible, no matter how much you bargain, to trade your life for your child’s life.
My Aunt Harriett also taught me a lot about life, love and death. Her oldest child’s (my cousin) birthday is on August 16 and her youngest child’s birthday is on August 20. My aunt did not want to die on either of her children’s birthdays and she did not. I truly believe that she willed herself to die on August 18.
The world is a better place because she was a part of it.
Wave of Light 2016
October 18, 2016 at 7:00 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love | 5 CommentsTags: Atlanta Walk to Remember, child loss, grief, hope, Jake, life after loss, Sawyer, Wave of Light - October 15th
We lit our candles on October 15.
This year and last year I made the candles we lit. I made candles that were given out at the Atlanta Walk to Remember. There is not much I can do to lessen the pain that a bereaved parent carries throughout their lifetime. I am hoping that the candle makes their path a little brighter (even if it is only for a little while).
dreams & denial
September 12, 2016 at 9:30 pm | Posted in after death?, Death, Grief, Jake, life after loss, Love | 8 CommentsTags: Buddy, child loss, dark days, death, death of a pet, grief, life after loss, thoughts
August, as I have written about in the past, is filled with happy as well as hard days. This year August started out with our dog, Buddy, dying. I wrote about how I was in denial about his death and wondered how long I could stay there.
On and off throughout the month I was haunted by a dream where I could not find Jake. I would try to go back to sleep in hopes that I could go back to the dream and find him. One weekend I slept as much as possible determined to search for and find Jake in my dreams. It did not work. If I had the dream about Jake I always awoke without finding him.
Last night I finally found Jake in my dreams – he was with Buddy. So, to answer my own question about “how long can I stay in denial?” it seems like the answer is about a month. I sure do miss them both.
“When you come to the edge of all the light you know and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things will happen: there will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly.” – author unknown
land of denial
August 8, 2016 at 9:14 pm | Posted in Grief | 8 CommentsTags: Buddy, death of a pet, dogs, grief, life after loss, love
I am in denial. Buddy (our older smaller dog) died last week. I know it is true because I was there and because Evan posted it on Facebook but somehow it still seems unreal.
I should be some sort of grief expert by now. I am not. As the twins said, “It is okay mama, Buddy is now playing with Jake, Sawyer, Mom Mom and Grandpoppy.”
Wonder how long I can stay in denial. . .
Mother’s Day (& may the 4th be with you all)
May 4, 2016 at 10:04 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, Jake, life after loss, Love, mother, mourning, Sawyer | 12 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a child, grief, hope, life after loss, mother's day, perspective, thoughts
There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of Jake and Sawyer, but some days are harder than others. Mother’s Day is one of those days. Logically it is just another day. They are both gone every. single. day. It is not like the first days, weeks and months after they died when the tears so often streamed down my face without me even realizing. Now most of the time my tears are tucked farther away. The sadness and the joy of loving Jake and Sawyer is a part of me.
I know I am not alone. There are so many other mothers in this club with me. There are mothers who this is their first Mother’s Day without their child (or maybe it is the 2nd or 22nd since their child died).
There are also mothers who have died leaving behind their children. This is perhaps their children’s first Mother’s Day without their mother (or maybe it is the 2nd or 22nd since their mother died).
There are motherless mothers and motherless fathers.
There are spouse’s who are filling the role of both parents on Mother’s Day.
Death is part of life. And no matter how hard some days can be life goes on.
As I have already written, Mother’s Day is not my favorite day. I try to focus on the 4 positive pregnancy tests and the 4 live births. I also try not dwell on the 2 emergency C-sections, the NICU, the miscarriage and the 2 deaths. The truth is that all of these events have made me a mother.
I know that this day is hard for so many. There are the other mothers in the club whose arms will also ache to hold their children. There are others who are missing their mothers, grandmothers or partners. I send hope and hugs to you all.
A Celebration of Life
July 8, 2015 at 12:00 am | Posted in Grief, life after loss | 8 CommentsTags: death, family, grief, life after loss, perspective, thoughts
We spend precious hours fearing the inevitable. It would be wise to use that time adoring our families, cherishing our friends, and living our lives. Dr. Maya Angelou
My amazing cousin’s mother (who was also my cousin) wrote this poem in a comment to one of my posts last year. She peacefully passed away a few days ago after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in May. She did not want a funeral and followed the “honor me not by mourning my death but by celebrating my life” philosophy.
So on Monday, there was not a funeral but a memorial service/celebration of her life. My amazing cousin and my mom spoke – it was a beautiful tribute.
We decided that the twins should come to the celebration. They were not exactly at the service but they were running in circles in the entry way of the funeral home. As I left the service they both stopped running and came to hug me. One said “Mama, we will behave if you stop crying.” The other one said “Mama, you have to focus on the positive things.” As we drove away I stopped crying and I tried to explain to them that I am sad, I might cry again but I would try to focus on the positive.
“We all have life storms, and when we get the rough times and we recover from them, we should celebrate that we got through it. No matter how bad it may seem, there’s always something beautiful that you can find.” Mattie Stepanek
Five
November 16, 2014 at 10:54 pm | Posted in Grief, Love | 10 CommentsTags: baby loss, birthday, child loss, gratitude, grief, life after loss, new not so normal, Sawyer
Dear Sawyer,
Tomorrow would/should be your 5th birthday. Five years ago tonight we were all anxiously waiting to meet you. Your Nanny and Pop came to take care of your big brother and sister while your daddy and I went to the hospital.
I still cannot believe that you are not here with us. Some mornings I wake up and hope that it all has just been a horrific nightmare. However, you are gone and this is our reality. You are forever frozen at 6 weeks old. There are no new pictures to post. I know that I am so lucky to have the ones that we did take. I just wish there were more.
I miss you so much. Happy birthday sweet Sawyer! As always, I will look for you in my dreams.
Faith?
November 10, 2014 at 11:40 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss | 7 CommentsTags: death of a baby, grief, hope, Jake, Jewish customs, new not so normal, Sawyer, unexplainable
After Sawyer died a rabbi spoke to me and Evan. Evan told him that he was very angry. The rabbi told Evan to go ahead and be angry at G-d, ” because if anyone can handle it, He can.” This made sense to me.
The rabbi went on to tell us a story that did not make too much sense to me at the time. He told us about a rabbi and his wife who were walking back from their son’s funeral. The wife asked her husband, “what now, what do we live for?” The husband answered that we live for our living children and to carry on the memory of our son. Tragically, the next child of this couple dies. And once again, walking back from the funeral the wife asks her husband, “what now, what do we live for?” The husband gives the same answer, “we live for our living children and to carry on the memories of our sons.”
The story goes on until the couple has walked back from the funerals of all their children. The wife once more asks, “what now, what do we live for?” The husband says we are to carry on the memories of our children and we are reminders to everyone else in the village to be thankful for what they have.
My initial response to this story was, “why us? Why do Evan and I have to be the reminders? Why can’t we just have Sawyer back?” Over the years my thoughts about this story have changed. I know that we cannot have Sawyer back. I know that we will always carry on Jake and Sawyer’s memory. Evan and I did not choose this journey but here we are – and I may never truly understand why. I do know Jake and Sawyer do remind us to hug the twins a little tighter and to appreciate what we do have.
“I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish He didn’t trust me so much.” Mother Teresa
Ansley’s Angel Day
July 16, 2014 at 12:14 am | Posted in Grief | 3 CommentsTags: child loss, death, grief, Sad
Glennon Melton, public speaker, author and writer of the blog Momastery, wrote the other day about a mother named Jessica and her daughter Ansley. Ansley died on July 14, 2007. No one talks to Jessica about Ansley. Jessica feels like her daughter has been forgotten and that the “world is pretending she never existed.” Glennon writes about it much more eloquently than I can in her post “This is how you stop the world.”
I wish that Jessica did not have to live in a world without her daughter. I am so very sad that Ansley died. She will not be forgotten.
The mention of my child’s name may bring tears to my eyes,
But it never fails to bring music to my ears.
If you are really my friend, let me hear the beautiful music of his name.
It soothes my broken heart and sings to my soul.
– – – Author Unknown
how do you live in a world without your child/children?
June 28, 2014 at 8:28 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, life after loss, Love | 5 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, gratitude, grief, Jake, new not so normal, parenthood, Sawyer, thoughts
I honestly do not know. I feel like after Jake and then Sawyer died I should have some words of wisdom. . .but I don’t.
I find myself looking at other parents. Wondering what it would be like to watch all of your children grow up. I know that everyone has their own tragedies – they are different but difficult all the same. I know that I am lucky to have the privilege of being a parent to each of my children and to have held them (even if for only a short time).
Time does not make it better – just different.
I do not believe that Jake and Sawyer are in “a better place.” I do not know where they are but I wish it were with us.
I know that there is not a path to “get over” the death of your child/children. It is not the same for everyone. Some of us do not talk about our children at all. Some of us advocate for a cure for their cause of death. Some of us write about them. All of us want our children to be remembered.
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A Mourning Mom 