Planning & Hoping

May 22, 2012 at 10:40 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons | 20 Comments
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Many doctors told me that I could not get pregnant again after Jake had died.  We tried clomid, letrozole, IUIs and eventually IVFs.  We went to several infertility specialists in town and then flew to New York to get yet another opinion.  The doctor we ultimately had the twins with was so sure that I would not get pregnant that Evan and I nicknamed him Dr. Doom and Gloom.

We shocked ourselves and Dr. Doom when I had the twins.  We went back to Dr. Doom when we were trying again.  He again told us that we had little to no chance.  Again, we surprised everyone when we had Sawyer.

Evan and I did not think it was possible to get pregnant on our own until a few months ago.   I was late and thought to myself there is not a chance in the world I am pregnant without the assistance of lots of drugs and doctors.  However, there it was . . . the 2 pink lines on the pregnancy test.

I showed Evan the pink lines.  We both just stared at each other.  We were happy.  Very, very happy.  In all honesty, I did not believe that it could really be true.  After Jake and then Sawyer died there is always a part of me which expects the worst but I try to hope for the best.  There are so many stories of people who get pregnant after years of infertility.  I thought maybe just maybe this could be happening.

Until I started to bleed.  Evan and I went to the OB.  He confirmed that yes I was pregnant but I was most likely having a miscarriage.  He asked if this baby was planned.  I wanted to shout that we had not planned for this baby but then again we had not planned on burying 2 of our sons.  Instead, Evan came up with the perfect answer, “We were not planning but hoping.”


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  1. I’m so sorry. May your life bring more miracles my darling. I love you.

  2. Oh no 😦 I am so sorry

  3. What does “most likely” having a miscarriage mean?? That is terrible. Sorry for the question, but you have left it quite open ended…

    I am unsure what your future TTC plans are/were, but I wish you all the best. If that is what you want I desperately am hoping you get those two pink lines again asap.


  4. I hate that this happened, i am so sorry.

  5. Wow…i don’t even know what to say except I am so sorry. How much can 2 parents take? You are an incredible couple xo

  6. I have no words other than “I am so sorry”


  7. Love you both and keeping all of you in my thoughts and prayers.

  8. Hope is too beautiful of a word. Please never give up hope. Hugs, Cate

  9. I’m so sorry. Thinking of and hoping for you.

  10. Hope is so powerful. I am sorry, and I love you and your beautiful capacity for hope.

  11. Wishing you much peace and hope.

  12. Oh, Lanie. I’m speechless. Just sending you love.

  13. I am with Daphne… hope is powerful. I am praying that you can find hope. Sending hugs.

  14. Been thinking about you a lot since you commented about this on Heather’s blog. I am so sorry for another loss for your family. Praying for you all.

  15. Hope is exactly the right word. The hope of a beautiful baby in your future. I believe. I’m so sory that you have had to experience such sorrow.

  16. Very sorry and I will hope for you too.

  17. Thank you for sharing. I know how hard it is to share something so personal. I’m really sorry for your family. I hope you’re doing as ok as you can be. That’s a big loss compounded with what you have already lost.

    Here is you want to talk anytime.

    Sending thoughts and big hugs.


  18. Oh no Lanie, I am so, so sorry. I wish there was something I could do to take the pain away. You have been through so much and it’s just not fair. Sending a million hugs and hoping you know how much I care.

  19. Hope is power, indeed. And you’ve both got plenty of it.

  20. Your post is so meaningful and resonates with many of us who faced similar stories. I am so sorry to hear this and also send virtual hugs to you, as I truly understand. There is hope for the future, keep that faith.

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