My Ghost of Christmas Past

December 26, 2012 at 12:02 am | Posted in Grief, Love, mourning, normal?, why I write | 21 Comments
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Sweet Sawyer

Dear Sawyer,
This picture of you looks as if I could just pick you up.  My arms ache every time I look at it.  I cannot believe I will never hold you again.  I should have never let you go that night.  If I knew it was the last time I was ever going to hold you or kiss you I would never have put you down on December 25th three years ago.  If I were holding you would I have been able to save you?  Why did you have to go?  Will we ever know?   So many questions without any answers.

The rational part of me knows that even if I ever do find out why you died it will not make a difference.  You will still be dead.  And, I will still be alive.  The irrational part of me thinks that if I could just understand your cause of death I could protect you.  Change the fact that you are gone.  The logical me then takes over again and argues that if we knew the cause then we could test the twins.  We could prevent other children from dying.  The rational, irrational and logical me might be battling it out forever.  None of us will win.  We will have all lost.

Quote - winnie the pooh

I hope that I can always remember how it felt to hold you.  I want to permanently erase the images of you in the emergency room.  Unfortunately, they are burned into my mind.  Luckily, there are other pictures of perfect little you. . .


Missing you always and forever.  I will look for you in my dreams and hope that I can hold you again one day.  I love you to the moon and back.


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  1. Sending light and love to you. Today. Always.

  2. It is so wrong that you don’t have your four beautiful children to tuck in every single night. I cannot imagine the pain you must feel every single day. I am so very sorry for your loss.

  3. He is so gorgeous. Take care of you xo

  4. Sending love and hugs. I so wish I could do something to relieve your family’s pain. Love you,

  5. Lanie- I can’t imagine how difficult today is for you and for all the days leading up to this. I hope you can absorb some of the love and strength and peace being sent to you by all who love and admire you.

  6. […] A Mourning Mom […]

  7. I posted a remembrance for Sawyer today on Love and prayers for you today (and everyday).

  8. Sending you love and prayers and light today. You write so beautifully. Your love for ALL your children is boundless. My love to you my dear.

  9. Thinking with love of you and all four of your beautiful children.

  10. I’m so so sorry for your loss. No parent should ever have to bury a child, let alone two. I hope the thoughts, prayers and love of people who care about you and Evan help ease your grief, if even just a little. Thinking of you.

  11. Sending you love, Lanie.

  12. I am so sorry for the loss of two children – there are no words. It is such a black hole. It has been 20 years since my son died. I try to remember him and sometimes I feel him lying across my chest. He is beside me always. Thankfully, the pain is no longer raw. I pray it reaches that point for you – though right now you are in a black hole. Hang in there.

  13. Holidays are always hard, even more when it coincides with an anniversary. Be good to yourself.

  14. I’m glad we had a chance to see you on that day–and I love that picture of him. He will never be forgotten…your strength comes through every day.

  15. Remembering Sawyer all week long, and sending lots of love your way.

  16. Oh this post makes me ache so much I can hardly stand it. What a beautiful little boy and I can only imagine how much you want to just pick him right up out of that photo. Love to you always Lanie.

  17. Sending you love and hugs and prayers as you miss your precious little one.

  18. […] A Mourning Mom […]

  19. […] Was he sick in some way?  What did I miss?  How could he be seemingly perfect one moment and then dead the […]

  20. […] always includes her “angel” on their family holiday card.  Their daughter, like Sawyer, died during this festive season.  It is so bittersweet to read her name on the card but it always […]

  21. […] am in disbelief that you are dead and that it has been 5 years since we last held you.  I am angry that you are not […]

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