Practicing Positivity
April 26, 2018 at 10:22 pm | Posted in Grief | 3 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, gratitude, hope, March of Dimes, premature birth, thoughts, ways to honor the memory of your child
It is nice to think about trying to make a positive change come out of a negative situation. But no one can truly make the death of a child into a positive. That pain never goes away. This is my reality; our reality. I miss Jake and Sawyer every day. I ache for them always. I cannot make their deaths positive.
I can, however, remember them and love them. I can honor their brother and sister who are here with us, who also help us remember them. And, I can try to prevent other children from dying. I do not want any other families to have to live in a world without their child/children.
So, this coming weekend, I will try to do that by Marching. Marching in memory of Jake and Sawyer, in honor of our twins (who march with us), and to support the March of Dimes which strives to help every baby be born healthy, so no parent will have to go through what we have lived through and live every day.
Thank you to all those who have already supported our March of Dimes, March for Babies team this year and in past years. Thank you also to the hospital where our kids were all born for matching funds so that $1 donated = $2 to March of Dimes. The March of Dimes uses the funds on key research, education and outreach programs. They do great work, and we appreciate all of your kindness and generosity. If you would like to support Jake’s Journey & Sawyer’s Strides , and make sure my marching helps other families, please click this link. Thank you so very much.
Father’s Day
June 18, 2017 at 6:18 pm | Posted in Grief | 6 CommentsTags: child loss, father's day, life after loss, love
Several years ago I adapted this poem (A Mother’s Day Wish From Heaven) by Jody Seilheimer, for Father’s Day. Then I came across another (more accurate, I think) poem for a bereaved father. It was sent by a reader to Kelly Farley, author of a Grieving Dads To the Brink and Back. Hoping all the fathers out there have the best day possible.
Dear Mr. Hallmark ….. One More Time
Hello there Mr. Hallmark man,
I wrote to you in May
To ask that words of love be shared
With my mom on Mother’s Day.
Just as there is no card for Mom
To let her know I care,
There is no card for my dad, too,
And I have so much to share.
It’s very hard for my loving dad
To know that I’m okay.
To protect me was his job, he feels,
So he thinks he failed some way.
Although I had to leave this world,
While still considered young,
There is no way he ever failed—
There’s no more he could have done.
My dad he tends to question
Those things he cannot see.
I always send him little signs
To say, “Hey, Dad, it’s me!”
I hear him crying in the car,
The shower hides his tears.
He feels he has to be so strong
For those he holds so dear.
My dad he often gets so mad
At what became of me.
He wants so much to understand,
He says, “How could this be?”
I somehow need to let him know,
Though impossible it seems—
For him to live and laugh again
Will fulfill so many dreams.
The card I need to send right now
To a dad as great as mine,
Will thank him for the love he gave
Throughout my brief lifetime.
He’s still the one that I call Dad,
Our bond’s forever strong,
‘Cuz even though he can’t see me,
Our love lives on and on.
Please help me find a way
To tell my dad that when
It comes his time to leave the earth
I’ll be waiting there for him.
And also, Mr. Hallmark man,
Please help him to believe,
That nothing will ever change the fact
That my dad he’ll always be.
Mother’s Day when your child is dead
May 12, 2017 at 1:14 pm | Posted in Grief, Love | 4 CommentsTags: Buddha, child loss, life after loss, love, mother's day, Sawyer, thoughts
There are no rules for Mother’s Day without your child/children. We miss our children every day but some days are harder than others. This is one of those days.
- Remember that you are and always will be a mother.
- Know you are not alone. This club has many members.
- The baby/child loss club is not the only one out there. There are those without their mothers on Mother’s Day and countless other loss clubs. Buddha’s story about the mustard seed sums it up perfectly – “in the whole city, in the whole world, there is not one family, not one person free from the certainty of death. It is the way of all living things – we must at some time leave one another.”
- Do one thing (no matter how big or small) for yourself – even if that one thing is crying or showering.
- Honor/remember your child.
- Hug your family and friends a bit tighter.
- Talk about your child. Say their name (or names).
- Be kind to yourself.
I hope that you all have the best day possible.
what to do when reality bites
May 4, 2017 at 8:18 pm | Posted in Grief, silver lining | 4 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, gratitude, hope, life after loss, love, March of Dimes, ways to honor the memory of your child
Here is my reality – I will never be able to bring Sawyer and Jake back to life. I will never hold Sawyer again.
I will never hold Jake again.
I cannot change my reality but I can help others. I will do anything and everything I can to prevent other children from dying too soon. I do not want any other families to have to live in a world without their child/children.
This weekend what I will do to try to help is walk. Thank you to all those who supported our March of Dimes, March for Babies team this year and in past years. Thank you also to the hospital for matching funds. We appreciate all of your kindness and generosity. If you would like to support Jake’s Journey & Sawyer’s Strides please click this link.
Hope
April 18, 2017 at 2:18 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love | 4 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, hope, love, March of Dimes, running, signs, thoughts
Some days hope is hard to find. On my running route, I have discovered a few hints that there is always hope. One time I stumbled upon this sign of hope:
And, on another run I came across this one:
The signs are on telephone poles but that is okay with me. I will take hope however and wherever I can find it.
On my run the other day, I noticed that one of the signs had been painted.
I like to believe that I can still catch a glimpse of hope even though it is now harder to find.
Wave of Light 2016
October 18, 2016 at 7:00 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love | 5 CommentsTags: Atlanta Walk to Remember, child loss, grief, hope, Jake, life after loss, Sawyer, Wave of Light - October 15th
We lit our candles on October 15.
This year and last year I made the candles we lit. I made candles that were given out at the Atlanta Walk to Remember. There is not much I can do to lessen the pain that a bereaved parent carries throughout their lifetime. I am hoping that the candle makes their path a little brighter (even if it is only for a little while).
Atlanta Walk to Remember 2016
September 28, 2016 at 8:18 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, Love, Sawyer | 5 CommentsTags: Atlanta Walk to Remember, baby loss, child loss, dark days, death of a baby, hope, life after loss, ways to honor the memory of your child
Atlanta Walk to Remember 2015
Losing a child is one of the most devastating and lonely events which can happen to a human being. I wish that none of us lived in a world without our child/children. However, the reality is that parents from every religion, class and country have outlived their children.
Every year since Jake (and then Sawyer) died we have walked in the Atlanta Walk to Remember. It is an event to connect parents and families together to express grief and remember our babies, and to raise awareness. It is not a fundraiser.
It is just a time to remember our lost children together.
The 12th Annual Atlanta Walk to Remember is the first Sunday of October. For more information about the walk in Atlanta click here. For information about walks and events in other locations click here.
dreams & denial
September 12, 2016 at 9:30 pm | Posted in after death?, Death, Grief, Jake, life after loss, Love | 8 CommentsTags: Buddy, child loss, dark days, death, death of a pet, grief, life after loss, thoughts
August, as I have written about in the past, is filled with happy as well as hard days. This year August started out with our dog, Buddy, dying. I wrote about how I was in denial about his death and wondered how long I could stay there.
On and off throughout the month I was haunted by a dream where I could not find Jake. I would try to go back to sleep in hopes that I could go back to the dream and find him. One weekend I slept as much as possible determined to search for and find Jake in my dreams. It did not work. If I had the dream about Jake I always awoke without finding him.
Last night I finally found Jake in my dreams – he was with Buddy. So, to answer my own question about “how long can I stay in denial?” it seems like the answer is about a month. I sure do miss them both.
“When you come to the edge of all the light you know and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things will happen: there will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly.” – author unknown
Research & Rainbows
July 22, 2016 at 4:44 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, Sawyer, silver lining | 2 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, hope, life after loss, March of Dimes, rainbows, ways to honor the memory of your child
Evan and I have spent the past few days at the March of Dimes national conference. We met amazing people and other family teams from all over the country committed to the cause of healthy babies. We heard doctors speak about the research that is being done to lower the alarming rate of infant mortality.
Every year 23,000 babies in the United States of America do not live to celebrate their first birthday due to prematurity alone (this number does not include still born babies or babies who die due to known or still unknown birth defects and genetic conditions).
Jake and Sawyer will forever be a statistic of infant mortality from the years 2005 and 2009. I cannot change those facts.
I can commit to doing whatever I can to help reduce those 23,000 deaths of babies born too soon. I do not want any other families to stand by/watch their child/children take their last breath.
In one discussion at the conference, the topic of “Rainbow Babies” – babies born to families after the prior death or stillborn birth of a child – came up. I am so thankful to the March of Dimes’ doctors, researchers and volunteers. Without all of their hard work ours and many other families’ rainbow babies may not be here.
As I have written about before, the twins and I are always searching for rainbows. We have not had a rainbow baby after Sawyer (he was a rainbow himself, of course), but perhaps our rainbow is a part of lots of other little babies we are helping through the March of Dimes.
The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. – Dolly Parton
A “rainbow baby” is a baby born following the death of your child. Urban Dictionary defines a rainbow baby as the following:
“In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison.
The storm (pregnancy/child loss) has already happened and nothing can change that experience. Storm clouds might still be overhead as the family continues to cope with the loss, but something colorful and bright has emerged from the darkness and misery.”
After Jake died Evan and I both knew that we wanted to try to become parents again. I mistakenly thought that after your child dies you should get some sort of “get a baby free pass”. There was no pass for us. When we did start trying again we found ourselves on the roller coaster of infertility. We started with cycles of injectables. We moved onto 6 rounds of IUI’s (think turkey baster if you are not familiar with this term). Finally after 2 IVF cycles we were so very lucky to have our own rainbow babies in July of 2007.
In the fall of 2009 we once again had a rainbow baby.
Who knew another storm would come so soon? I am trying to learn from the twins how to look for rainbows everywhere. Some days it is harder than others to find any light through the darkness. The twins are pretty good teachers because the other day I looked out of the office building where I was working and this is what I saw. . .
After a hurricane comes a rainbow – Katy Perry
Jake’s Journey and Sawyer’s Strides – #7 March of Dimes Family Team in the Nation!
May 20, 2016 at 6:14 pm | Posted in Grief | 4 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, hope, life after loss, March of Dimes, perspective, ways to honor the memory of your child
Very exciting news that Jake’s Journey and Sawyer’s Strides is the #7 March of Dimes Family Team in the nation!
I would be lying to you if I did not admit that I wish I was writing about something cute or funny that Jake and Sawyer had done. I will never be able to write about Jake and Sawyer’s adventures that they would have had in this world. Despite the fact that they are dead, they have taught me and continue to teach me so much about life and love. I am proud and lucky to be their mom.
Thank you, thank you to all who have supported and to continue to support our family (our March of Dimes team and otherwise). I am hopeful that there will be more teams in honor (as opposed to in memory) of children because of Jake and Sawyer. Thank you all so very much!
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