I am a mother of four.  Two of my children share a room down the hall from my room.  Two of my children share a plot in a cemetery which is fifteen minutes from our home.

“A wife who loses a husband is called a widow.  A husband who loses a wife is called a widower.  A child who loses his/her parents is called an orphan.  But there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that’s how awful the loss is!”  (Neugeboren)

I don’t have the answers to why Jake and Sawyer predeceased me.  I don’t have the steps to get through the enormous grief and sadness which comes from burying your child or children.  I am trying to get through this day by day.   I welcome any and all advice, encouragement or support.  I am hoping that I can assist others get through their difficult journeys.   I want Jake and Sawyer to be remembered.  I want to carry on their purpose in life (whatever that purpose might be).


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  1. Dear Lanie,
    I think this is a beautiful thought, a special tribute to your special children, and I wish you much healing as you move along your path.

  2. My Dear Friend Lanie,
    You write beautifully. This blog is such a wonderful tribute to ALL your children. I am so glad you are writing this. I have no doubt that your words will touch so many others, those dealing with grief and those who love you. I think about you so very often my friend. May you find some healing in putting your thoughts and feelings into words. I miss you so much. All my love.

  3. I know I will NEVER forget you, Evan, and ALL of your children. You may think you don’t know what to do with the grief, but you are constantly showing that you won’t let it overcome you. What has happened to you and your family is completely unfair and senseless. Please remember that you have lots of people who love and support you. We are here for you!

  4. I love you. You amaze me with your strength, courage and love every day. All of our children are so lucky to have you as their mom.

  5. You are an amazing woman. I am so grateful for you. I wish you all the best on your journey and am guessing you will help many along the way. I appreciate you friend!

  6. My Dear Lanie,

    I think of you so often. I know it is important for me to respect your need to grieve in your own manner. I also know that you are a wonderful mother and I wish I had the answers to help you and Evan. I cannot imagine losing a child or why all of you have experienced such pain. I know that Jake and Sawyer will never be forgotten. Jim and I will always be here for you, Evan, Fletcher and Alissa. I have total faith that as you walk though this journey, your kindness and your love for others will guide you in the right path.

    Love you,


  7. Dearest Lanie,
    Your words are beautiful and will surely be an inspiration. You and all of your wonderful family will always be loved, remembered and in my thoughts.
    The art of writing and expressing your thoughts, along with the sincerity of each reply, will enable you and Evan to move forward and enjoy life to its fullest.
    With much love, Julie

  8. Lanie,

    Just as you won’t forget–we won’t either. But we will look to learn from the loss. We love you and Evan and your beautiful children!

  9. You are an amazing writer – your words are beautiful and you constantly amaze me with your strength. Your children are so incredibly lucky to have you as their mother, and we are all lucky to have you as a friend. Thank you for sharing.

  10. Well said, Lanie. Thinking of you!

  11. Lanie,
    You’re blog is beautiful!! I am so glad you have found an outlet for your feelings. I know your strength and words will be able to bring peace to so many people.

  12. Lanie:

    There are no words to heal a wound as deep as yours, but I believe that words do help both the writer and the reader. Your blog is a beautiful tribute to your lost boys. I hope you can find some solace in writing it and also find joy in the amazing little people who sleep down the hall. My money is on Alyssa — she will not be ignored.

    Love, Leslie

  13. Lanie,
    I also find that writing helps. When others read about my children, or about my experiences stemming from the losses, it makes it feel like they are “known”. Writing about them gives them life. The more people who think about my children, the more life they have.

    We’ve often said – we’re in a club that no one wants to join (and we wish that no one would ever have to), but thank goodness we find each other. No one understands the grief like others who have shared it. Big hugs to you.


  14. Lanie,
    You are amazing! Your love and devotion to your children comes through so clearly in your postings. May you find comfort in your memories of your sons, as well as joy through wonderful moments with Evan and your twins each day! I think of you often.

  15. Lanie,

    I have to be very honest here… It has taken me weeks to build up the resolve to come here and read this blog. I am inspired by you and so incredibly moved by your writing. I hope this space allows you to both keep Jake and Sawyer present in your life, while navigating what I know will be an incredible and meaningful journey into the future.

    With much love,

  16. Dear Lanie and Evan –
    Thank you for including me in the list of recipients of your blog, Lanie. I think it is a wonderful idea and I love what you’ve written in your two first posts.
    Connecting is reassuring and warming and it is certainly necessary for keeping Jake’s and Sawyer’s memory. What you have written about both of them is so touching and also so affirming. Your tribute to Evan is equally moving and it is our privilege to read your words.
    May expressing yourself, writing for Alyssa and Fletcher and for your family and friends – as well as for yourself – bring you much solace. Thank you for this gift to us.
    Love, Cornelia

    • Dear Cornelia,
      Hi !! I don’t know whether this message will reach you, but I hope to God it does.

      A few days ago I stumbled on to the news that Larry has passed away! Both mimi & i were deeply saddened, and wish to get in touch with you. Please write back if you happen to see this, and help us get in touch with you.

      Thinking of you,

  17. Oh Lanie, Lanie, Lanie. You have stopped me dead in my tracks. I had no idea what you were going through. It seems our college years end and we separate and become distant…yet somewhat connected in cyberspace as FB friends. I am so so so sorry. I can barely digest what you’ve written. The gravity weighs so heavy on my heart.

    I’m so glad you’re sharing, as if for some brief moment I/we can take an ounce of grief away from you by reading. I hope to know more, and even be given some ability in the future to help in some small way?

    This is not the natural order of things. As a mother of 3 I cannot fathom what you are going through.

    Please keep sharing.

    Sending love, Ursula

  18. Dear Lainie,

    We first met at my brother Larry’s funeral. We talked about your loss of Jake some months before, your love for him and your strong desire to mother a child. Despite your own grief you came all the way to California to be with Larry’s family and soothe all of us.

    I liked your wonderful warmth and empathy immediately. It’s that very warmth that will always keep Jake and Sawyer safe in your heart.

    Thank you for your blog. It helped me to know you better. It also caused me to reflect on ways in which I keep the memory of my brother and other loved ones close in my mind and heart.

    The twins are lucky to have you as their mother. Continue the dialogue please. I’m with you.

    Cousin Linda

  19. I just read Linda Brown’s comment and she has included a beautiful sentiment, one that applies to all of us who travel with you and Evan–we hold Jake and Sawyer always and forever “safe in our hearts.”
    I am so very proud of you, my child.

  20. Just starting to read from the beginning of your blog, but I want to let you know that I’m so sorry for your losses. I’m sorry for “our” losses… the people for whom there is no title. I’ve never seen that quote before but I love it. It’s so true… (((hugs))) to you

  21. Hi Lanie-

    Dan Hickman has kept me up to speed with your life and pointed me to this blog. It is one of the most personal and moving things I have ever read about life, love, and family. I just wanted to send love and support to you and your family.

    Evan Hochberg

    • This whole game of theirs is coming to an end. We are sovereign citizens and not bound to commercial codes and federal taxes. They have turned the tables on us with the courts as they switched roles with the people. We are the admins and they are the public servant/trustees end of discussion. You have to watch this wavV;?t=Shs4mIcEqp8&feature=mh_lolz&#038hlist=FLz3qM_f-eliXcCAaltve-Ug

  22. Oh dear, I am so sorry for the loss of your sons. Sawyer looks so handsome in the pictures. It sounds like he had a short life that was very, very full of love. I do know how hard the holidays are after losing a child are. I have lost one too and there can be something very tough about getting throug hChristmas in one piece. Try to rest, be gentle with yourselves. Hug your twins and drink a little extra water and not too much coffee. Grieving takes it out of you but it sounds like you guys are giving it your best shot. all your children are so lucky to have you as their mom. P

  23. I am also a mourning mom. Though I have not suffered the loss of 2 babies, I do know what it is like to bury 1. My first and only baby girl died of SIDS in November. I just want to say I know your pain and my heart aches for you. Thank you for sharing your story.

  24. I am so sorry for your loss. I hope that you find answers or peace in the future. We lost Simon six years ago and fortunately, the days do pass and the smiles start to outnumber the tears. The new normal sets in.

    Thank you for recognizing our efforts. Please let us know if we can be of any help to your family.

  25. I, too, grieve for my son Jeremy Ryan. He is his story and if you ever want to talk let me know:

    My name is Noelle Bronaugh. My husband Jeremy Paul and I lost our only son Jeremy Ryan at 2 months and 6 days old on December 28th 2010. After an awful C-section from trying to induce labor for 4 days, he was born at Paoli hospital in PA at 39.5 weeks and a few hours later he was taken to AI Dupont in Delaware for Respiratory Distress and a thorough check-up due to the fact he had been diagnosed with a “not so severe” VACTERL/VATERS Association. He was born on October 22, 2010.

    He was perfect looking on the outside, however he had a few wrenches thrown in the mix inside that made it difficult for him to breathe on his own after being born. He was expected to live a somewhat normal life. He had a missing left kidney and 2 hemi-vertebrae that they were aware of. They said “No big deal…he just shouldn’t play football and he will develop a mild case of scoliosis that they could correct with surgery when he is older…” We also had a single umbilical artery between the 2 of us instead of the usual 2 arteries 1 vein umbilical cord, but that is a throw away so they weren’t concerned. He also has a small abdominal wall hernia on the left side where his intestine (under the skin of course) would pop out if he was crying hard or breathing fast (they could correct when he was about 3 and put a mesh over it). It was pretty impressive though, Mommy was proud of his unique trait and so where all the nurses on his care team. 3 weeks of being in the hospital confirmed, however that he was also missing his right pulmonary artery after they were trying to get him to come off of the mechanical ventilator and he failed many extubations (some where accidental — he was the master extubator (I know he was like, Mommy, I want this tube out). They did a lung profusion test and found that he had 2% profusion to his right lung and 98% to his left.

    You see, this was the hard part to see him growing and getting more uncomfortable being on the vent — he was so alert and wanted to just be a baby…everyone felt this way. It was so hard not to hear his cries but to see his face motion he was crying. He always had so many secretions from the tube and had to be suctioned constantly. I always wondered if the nurses would hear him when I was gone, but they couldn’t…he would have to get to the point where his alarms were going off. It was awful. I was there everyday 8-12 hour days driving to and from 45 minutes from PA. My heart broke every time I left but everyone said he would be fine and I believed them. They would say, “Go home and get your rest, you will see him tomorrow…”

    Okay back to the pulmonary artery — They said that they aren’t really sure if that is even a big deal, the missing artery, but they needed to make sure. So a few more weeks pass by and another failed extubation. They reassessed and thought maybe instead of putting him on the “Vapotherm”(a high flow of humidified oxygen) Nasal Canula right away from the vent they will transition with steroids and the Nasal CPAP. To all of our delights it seemed to work out okay…he seemed to be okay on it. the important thing about this is that I was going to be able to hear his voice for the first time not that night or the next day but when his vocal cords weren’t swollen anymore he would get his voice back…even if it was for a short time. So I thanked God for that so many times!

    Well, Jeremy started to develop fluid in his lungs so he had to get Lasics (a strong diuretic) continuously. It helped a lot and his numbers were still okay enough…he was a little tachypnic–his breathing was fast and a little “hard” but they determined because of his issues that his baseline would be higher then a normal infants anyway. So they thought we will keep him on the NCPAP (Nasal Continuous Positive Airway Pressue) for a little while and see if we can transition him to the Vapotherm Nasal Canula. The NCPAP is less support then the Mechanical Vent and the Vapotherm is less support then the NCPAP. So the idea was to transition him to the less supportive therapies over time which sounds great, right. Well, what happened was Jeremy was an amazing fighter…so alert active, he tracked everything…all of his toys, his mobiles and books and tried to grab things, his saturation of oxygen was good his CO2 was a good low…but while all of us were celebrating Jeremy was using all of his reserves because he was on less supportive therapies, and we didn’t know it because he was fooling us all. We all thought he still had some room to give…

    About 2 weeks before he died, the doctors decided to try him on the Vapotherm Nasal Cannula again (after failing once a week prior) they decided to try two 2 hours sprints a day to see how he does. In the interim of all of this there was a nurse that he had for a 12 hour shift that wasn’t on his care team (she never cared for him on a shift before) and didn’t know how I worked …how I changed his diaper, when I held him…basically that I was Jeremy’s number 1 advocate and I was very very involved in everything…his numbers…his sats…what meds they were giving him and why…etc. Well, this nurse was awful… she came in from her shift at 7am and had her shift change review…all of his other nurses did their morning assessments after that…well I came in at 10am that day and was holding him. Then I usually change his diaper when he fusses…she comes in the room around 11 as I am about to put him down and says “Oh do you want me to get him for you…” I was like “No, I’m fine…I am pretty hands on with Jeremy so I change his diaper and…” she was like “Well I have to do his morning assessment…” very short with me mind you “I said okay…I just want to finish with his diaper…”she was putting a blood pressure cuff on his leg and he was kicking…and I said “Don’t you want to wait until I am done so you can get an accurate reading?” She was obviously frustrated, so she huffed and puffed and was like fine after she went ahead and tried anyway, but Jeremy was fussy so she couldn’t get an accurate reading. I was like “Whatever” because she left the cuff on his leg and I was trying to get his leads untangled after I put a new outfit on him. Well, I found out later the next day that she reported me and the report said that “Mother was impeding on patients care” I was devastated…pissed…frustrated..hurt…it was awful. The Nurse Manager, Nurse Manager Assistant and The doctor who I just met for the first time that day (every 2 weeks a new doctor) and she meets the “crazy mom” for the first time. I was beside myself. Mind you they didn’t check with any of the other nurses on his care team before this intervention.

    Because all of this happened I lost trust in everything there…like I was back at square one…like I had to ask to change my son’s diaper…when to hold him…everything…it was awful. It was the same day I found out he wasn’t coming home for Christmas…I was devastated. All the care team nurses told me to take a day for me and how can I be a good mom to Jeremy if I don’t take care of myself. So I did. My first day off (a Friday) — it was so hard. It didn’t feel right. I called like 5 times too because they were extending his Vapotherm time from the two 2 hours Sprints to 12 hours on 12 hours off (and back on NCPAP). They said it went well and when I saw him the next day I was happy but still something didn’t feel right. I was so afraid it was too soon for him to be on less support for so long. My husband and I visited for 3 hours that Sat and Sun to give him rest. I was so excited for Monday to come because I knew I would be be there for 12 hours again to hold him and everything would be okay — he was a squiggle worm in my arms and even did push-ups on my chest. Well, that Monday was the last day we had that was somewhat normal. I held him in my arms all day into the night. I felt weird leaving him, but they said he is okay. Mind you, they decided to do full on Vapotherm with no NCPAP because at night when they put his NCPAP mask on he was fussy so they just continued with the less invasive, less supportive, more comfortable for him Nasal Cannula. I left the hospital that Monday (2 Mondays before Christmas). That next morning (early Tuesday) at 4:30 we got a call that Jeremy had to go back on NCPAP at higher number then before….then at 11am after my dad and I went to church to pray I got a call from the doctor saying Jeremy had to go back on the vent…it was a nightmare…absolute nightmare. When I went in to see my baby he was on much higher settings then before on the vent then when he was first on the vent. Because he was back on the vent Cardiology wanted to do a Cardiac Catheterization — It was planned for that Thursday…I remember when we met eyes for the first time after he was on the vent again he looked at me like “Mommy why do I have this tube down my throat again” It was so hard, because I wanted to explain to him so bad and that everything was going to be okay. It was then I also realized I wouldn’t hear his voice again for awhile because they were talking tracheostomy…so that was planned for the following week after the Cardiac Cath. but we didn’t get that far.

    The day I saw Jeremy again on the vent I was only able to hold him for 15 mins…because he needed his rest the nurse said. The whole time he was in the hospital he was on continuous feeds through an NG or OG tube but he took a pacifier. Well they stopped the feeds and started to electrolytes again (that he was off 4 weeks into being there – a great milestone at the time) because he was having the cath. done and then getting a trach the following week he had to go off of the feeding. He had an IV with a board like he did when he was first admitted. It was like we were going backwards but worse, because we have come so far. Worst of all he was older and didn’t understand.

    I was devastated at this point and having nervous breakdowns everyday. I signed the papers for the Cardiac Cath. and then in he went. When he came out the Cardiologist said that Jeremy had sever Pulmonary Hypertension…I was like “What!!!!” “When, How, Why didn’t you see it before, was is always there, did it develop over time?!!!!” They also found that they couldn’t make any connection to the missing pulmonary artery because the vessels were too small and too far away. Jeremy had a very bad reaction to the Cath. and has to be put on Nitric Oxide and Sildenafil right away because his saturation of oxygen was not high enough…Nitric and Sildenafil are used when babies have Pulmonary Hypertension, but it is usually seen right after birth. Jeremy was already 2 months old and being treated for it just now. What kills me is that they assumed he may have had it but didn’t see it until the cath. was done and the severity was mind blowing to the point where they thought for Jeremy it developed into a deteriorating form of clamping of the vessels. Not just where the vessels would clamp down and open up again…but that they would continue to close one at a time. We were devastated…they said that he had to put on other meds. like Dopamine for his low blood pressure also…and give him bowlus fluids and blood transfusions. He eventually a week before Christmas had to go on a High Frequency Oscilating Ventilator (HFOV) which is full life support. The doctor said that there is a small window but there is a little hope still and that they were looking for an upward trend. We watched him all week. He had to be catheterized for urine output, he had to get a central line put in near his heart because all of his veins were blown out. He was on a paralytic because of the HFOV so he would keep still (This vent keeps the lungs open and percusses air in and out in little pulses equivalent to 700 breaths per minute) He started building up with fluid so bad that his skin was losing its integrity and his eyelids were bulging so far out of his sockets. his whole body doubled in size in just a few days from fluid that he wasn’t able to get rid of. But it wasn’t staying in his vessels well either. He was bruised from head to toe and couldn’t cry or scream because he was paralyzed from the medication Pavulon. They did an EEG to see his brain activity and it was normal, which made it harder to think he might be screaming for me to hold him which I couldn’t. They also had him on Fentinyl (a pain medicine supposedly stronger then morphine). At some point in the beginning of all of this they could tell when he was awake because of his heart beat was higher. But as the days passed just before Christmas they couldn’t tell if it was just because he was in pain or not (it was up to 200). But they were giving him high doses of the pain medicine and hoping — over time a resistance could potentially be built. I saw my amazing, energetic little boy turn into a sick and lifeless seeming baby. His nose was so small and blue from his head and eyelids being so swollen. He has a sore on his mouth from the tube. Christmas day he had to have a chest tube put in because he developed pneumothorax (the air from his swollen lungs leaked into his chest wall). At this time my intuition told me that I was not going to have my son…I was so scared and pleaded with God to let him be okay. But the Cardiac Cath. put him over the edge…his little hardworking body couldn’t do it anymore. He had an amazing heart and brain but his body and these issues wouldn’t let him get better.

    On the Monday after Christmas my husband received a call from the doctor telling him that Jeremy isn’t and won’t get better. The hope is gone and he was dying. I went into shock. We all went to the hospital and talked with the doctor about what to do and why is it this way and what happened??!!! They treated him based on what he showed he needed was the round about response and unfortunately Jeremy’s condition was worse then everyone expected based on the progress he showed us — all of his anomalies together throw off a perfect working system and as he grew his right lung was shrinking and his heart was shifting over to the right — his body was not allowing him to live even though his spirit wanted to so badly. We asked what the next step was and he said that it was up to us. We could take Jeremy off of the HFOV and put him back on the regular vent to hold him before he passes because he wouldn’t get the adequate amount of oxygen on that vent. We ask how long and the doctor said it is different for everyone. So I gave Jeremy a bath and sang to him his favorite songs and hours passed…we had him taken of the one vent and put on the other and held him…his oxygen was satting at around 70% for awhile, the 65% and his little finger nails and toe nails were turning blue, but his heart rate never drop below 165, and I was confused. Several more hours passed by and I asked the other doctor what to do next because he was still hanging on and I didn’t understand. They then said that we could take the dopamine off and that should lower the heart rate and it didn’t too much for over an hour we waited…I still talked to him and my husband held him and rocked him. His heart rate was still going strong enough. I asked what the next step is…and she said we could extubate him. I felt horrible…I pray for God not to have me make this choice to have his tube removed. So my husband and I after already being there almost 15 hours walked around the hospital…every floor…all the hallways and we decided that he shouldn’t suffer anymore. We went upstairs to the NICU and told the doctor we were ready to make the decision to not have Jeremy go on like this…my poor baby. A little after 5:30am the doctor (whom I trusted with my son’s life and now death and think so highly of to this day) — she removed the tube. Jeremy had 2 and a half chest contractions. She check his heartbeat and it was slowing down. She gave us time with him and came back and his heart was still really slow but hasn’t stopped yet. The next time she came back it was 5:50am his heart stopped and he was pronounced dead. We waited for hours as his body laid there and watched the sunset from his room. Then we left him and then hospital and I never went back. I dont think I ever can.

    We had his Mass on that Friday and he was buried on the following Monday. I have had such a rough time with all of this and I am not sure if I am going crazy…if I will ever have joy again…My husband and I have been seeing a bereavement counselor out of Bryn Mawr, PA who specializes in Infant loss, Stillbirth and Miscarriage. She has been great and I have read so many books including yours. I am thinking of starting to get pregnant again soon, but things are complicated…for one I am a diabetic, I am 34 (turning 35 this year) and not in the best shape, and my husband and I are staying with my parents for the time being because it was too painful to be in our old place. So everything is in storage. My husband quit his job to go back to school which I applaud him for even though he is always busy (semester is over thank goodness) and I just went back to work 5 weeks ago and this guy’s wife has just had a newborn baby boy and the pride and glow on his face are so hard to bear. My best friend is pregnant with a boy due in July (who has 2 girls already) and my 1st cousin had a baby boy in March (and also has a girl from before). Also my sister in law and my brother had their baby boy 10 days before Jeremy was born and they were supposed to be best buddies (they also have 2 older girls). I feel like I can’t do this sometimes…I am having the hardest time with this. I am not sure if you have the time to read but I would appreciate your thoughts sometime. Well, here’s our story…and I miss my son so terribly I want to die sometimes! Most of all I feel like this all didn’t happen like it was a dream…like he was a dream…it is horrible…a horrible nightmare.

    If you have facebook you can add me as a friend and view his pictures and videos below:



    • Thank you for sharing that is really hard to understand.
      Thanks for sharing
      Jasmine Rosado
      God bless your family and your souls

      • I need to hear these stories, it bring up all the sadness and chaos of our own story. But it is good to remember. Our son died when he was two. A new baby does help, never replaces the child you lost but your arms and heart are full again and you have someone to love and take care of. I write about our story in my blog at http://www.deathiswhat.com I would love to have you read and get in touch. Ann F.

  26. You’ve always been special to me Lanie. I knew you would be an incredible Mom and I was right. I’m amazed at your strength in dealing with your losses and gives me strength every day. I’m glad you have been my friend all of these years and you will always be like a sister to me. I’m glad you found an amazing man and the both of your have two amazing children. We don’t talk or see each other as often as in the past due to our families but, know that you’re in my thoughts often. We’ll talk soon.

  27. Your blog is beautiful, thank you for sharing. It was a pleasure meeting you this week and although our bond is born out of heartache and grief I am glad that we met.
    Our boys will always be a part of who we are and their stories will continue to be told as long as we live.
    Jake and Sawyer are so precious! You love so well 🙂

    Angelle Trimble
    Alexander’s Mom

  28. I just stumbled onto your blog and I am so glad I did.

    I am so sorry for your losses. I just started reading a few blogs and will come back later to try to get to them all.

    So much of what you’re saying is how I feel. I HATE that either of us or any parent has to go through what we are but I am so thankful to find blogs and stories where people “get it” and know how I’m feeling.

    Our son Kenneth was born premature in March 2008. After 25 days in the NICU his little lungs couldn’t hold on any longer and he passed away 😦 It has left such a huge hole in our hearts.

    We also struggle with major infertility issues and still are trying to have our “rainbow” baby.

    I really wanted to let you know that your writing helped me this morning. I’m sorry you have so much pain. That I have so much pain. That those of us that have lost our children have so much pain.

    Take care and hope to talk soon 🙂


  29. Just reading your about section makes me emotional. It is amazing that you are able to blog so beautifully, even though you are suffering. I cannot wait to read more of your blog.

  30. Lanie, I just wanted to let you know that I have nominated you for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award: itsdilovely.com/2012/08/15/very-inspiring-blogger-award/ . You are absolutely an inspiration to all parents, reminding us how important it is to cherish what we have and try to make the best of the hardest things. Thank you for blogging.

  31. I found your blog through a response you posted on Rockstar Ronan’s blog. I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful boys Jake & Sawyer – I cannot even begin to fathom your pain. I have no words that could make what you have all gone through easier – I wish I did. All I can do is thank you for sharing your story and your children. All the best to you, Evan, Fletcher & Alissa.

  32. No words, just love and thought. My best friend’s first born died and I wrote a piece about it a couple of months ago, it may or may not be of interest, but in case it is here’s the link – http://lushnessblog.wordpress.com/2012/09/28/from-buttcakes-to-are-we-human-or-are-we-dancer/
    She has had two more children since and gets very hurt when people ask her if they’ll try for number ‘three’, as her son seems to be forgotten by some. So very, very hard x

  33. Dear Lanie,
    thank you for sharing yourself so raw and honestly. As you know I lost one of my twins and so, in some way, share the journey of ‘a mourning mum’ with you.
    My most recent inspiration was to create http://remembereverylittlesoul.wordpress.com/ and I would love you to, if you like, share Jake and Sawyer’s story with ‘us’ (those who share this journey).
    all Love, Nathalie

  34. It is strange but true that the exact Cause of Primary Pulmonary Hypertension is yet to be ascertained. However, researchers in this regard suggest that certain diet drugs (appetite suppressants) can make a person more prone to developing this fatal condition.Primary Pulmonary Hypertension is basically a disorder of the blood vessels wherein the pressure in the pulmonary artery rises above normal levels, thereby posing a life-threatening risk. Several diseases or causative factors, largely unknown, may lead to the malfunctioning denoted by the term Primary Pulmonary Hypertension.:

    My very own web site

  35. I had never seen that quote but it is a good one. I lost a 2 day old so I understand the pain of loss. I blog about it as well, grief, loss, mothers to angels, and so forth. I am following you now. I hope you’ll visit me at http://katbiggie.com/blog

  36. I nominated you for the Sunshine Award. When you have time, check out my blog to learn more. Your strength through so much heartache has been a huge inspiration for me and I wanted you to know ❤

  37. Thank you for sharing your beautiful story. I will continue to follow you on your journey and pray for you and our lost boys ❤

  38. Dear Lanie,
    I am so incredibly sorry for your losses. As a mother, I cannot begin to imagine the heartache and grief.

    I know that you mentioned that you are always looking for ways to remember Sawyer and Jake and I have an idea for you. I work for Jewelry Keepsakes and we specialize in memorial jewelry and photo engraved keepsakes. I am always looking to get the word out there as we have so many great products that I honestly feel can help parents that have experienced loss.  Getting an honest review not only helps us maintain the integrity of our products and shows us what is working and what we need to improve on but also lets us provide the best products we can to those that are grieving – and that matters most of all.  I have a particular fondness for our photo engraved keepsakes as they honor those that are living as well as those that have passed (I have three of each of my children).  I would be happy to send at no charge any keepsake of your choice.

    The links to our site and to our photo engraved pendants are:

    I am happy to answer any questions you might have and the best way to reach me is via reply to my email.  I also have a company email where you can contact me and that is hallie@jewelrykeepsakes.com.

    Again, my deepest sympathies for the loss of your children. Thinking of you and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

    Thank you so much for your time and I look forward to hearing from you soon!

    Best Regards,
    Hallie Schumaker
    Jewelry Keepsakes


  39. I’ve only been on your site for three minutes and your words have given me comfort. I’m on the other side of your grief; my mother died five years ago…I am only twenty-two. I cannot imagine your grief, but your children will never know what this world is like without their mother. Only these words can tell you how much beauty and grace there is in that thought. You’ve probably thought that before, but I’m reminding you.

  40. […] About […]

  41. My baby died too, a little girl aged 5 months. I’m so sorry for your losses. I’m just starting a blog – just for myself at the moment though I hope to get the courage to share it soon.

  42. Thank you for being willing to be so open about your loss and continuing process. A part of my grief journey has been creating this album. I lost my youngest brother to SIDS. For Mother’s Day this year, I created this video to go along with the music. Maybe it can provide some comfort for someone here.

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