Lost Girl?

November 2, 2012 at 10:22 pm | Posted in after death?, Grief, life after loss, normal? | 5 Comments
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In my younger (pre-children days) I loved to travel.  My parents took my brother and me on all kinds of exciting adventures.  I was an exchange student in Finland for a summer.  I spent a semester in Madrid.   My first jobs at times required extensive travel.  I was always happy to explore a new city.

In August of 2005, I held Jake,our first son, as he took his last breaths and a part of me died with him.  My love for travel was buried with Jake.   I could no longer be alone in my house let alone a hotel room in a far away city.  Even driving alone in my car was excruciatingly painful for me.

The twins’ birth brought me happiness that I did not think I could/would ever experience again.  However, that part of me that died with Jake was still gone.  Travel now seemed out of the question.  I did not want to let the twins out of my sight.  I was no longer alone in the house or the car.

When Sawyer died so unexpectedly my ability to be alone vanished again.  The 3 hours twice a week when the twins were in preschool seemed like an eternity to me.  For awhile I could not even shower unless other people were in the house.

I do not think I will ever be the person that I was before Jake and Sawyer died.  At times I do wonder if that person who loved to travel and see the world is still out there somewhere. . .

Life without you

October 26, 2012 at 9:42 pm | Posted in Love, normal? | 4 Comments
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Dear Sawyer,
There are days that I just cannot stop my arms from aching to hold you.  Today was one of those days.  I think of you and miss you every day.  Time is marching on as it always does.  Soon it will be November again.  Another November without you – just like every day since that awful night.

I carry the book of pictures of you that my thoughtful friends gave me.  I hold on to it.  It is not the same as holding you but I am so thankful that I have it.  I cannot look at it often but I always have it with me.  I love you to the moon and back sweet Sawyer.  I will look for you in my dreams.   Love you always.

 

Hectic, Hope & Hair

October 20, 2012 at 10:20 pm | Posted in Grief, Love, normal?, twins | 11 Comments
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There always seems to be a lot happening in October.  However, this year seems extra crazy busy.  For example, yesterday the twins had a fun run at school, a baseball game and a kindergarten social.  Busy is good for me.  It keeps me moving forward.  No time (or at least not too much time) to stop and think about the 3rd birthday party we would be planning if Sawyer were still alive.

It turns out that hectic schedules are not so great for the twins.  Getting ready quickly to get to the next event is not either of their strong points.  So yesterday when no one would get dressed for baseball.  After lots of whining and a small melt down or two, I surrendered.  Their team was not going to have to forfeit if the twins were not there.  In fact, they do not even keep score.  Little people do not have to be busy all the time.  Finally, they agreed to get dressed for their school social.  And they had a good time.

Until, they didn’t. . .

Today was supposed to be another busy day.  A school fall festival and a hair cut.  I again did not fight the twins when they refused to get dressed to go to their fall festival.  They played pretend.  I braced myself for the fight I thought I would have with them in order to get them dressed to go out for their hair cuts.

Evan and I were pleasantly surprised when 2 little people got dressed and into the car without a melt down.  The twins were excited for this hair cut.  I had donated my hair last year and unintentionally inspired our daughter to grow her hair.  Here is her hair before:

Here is the hair pull that did not hurt (or put anyone in time out):

And, the after picture:

A Walk to Remember

October 14, 2012 at 10:32 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss, Love, normal? | 9 Comments
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Every day 13 babies will be lost to SIDS and other sudden, unexpected infant deaths.

One horrible day in December 2009 our baby, Sawyer, was one of those 13.  We remember Jake and Sawyer every day but today Evan and I participated in our 7th Walk to Remember.

The first year it was just the two of us.  Jake had died a few months before the walk.  Evan and I could barely talk about our child’s death let alone listen to the other sad stories parents were sharing about their losses.

Today we had the twins with us and we were there for Jake and Sawyer.

I can now talk about Jake and Sawyer.  I listen to others as they tell about their sons and daughters.  I still wish none of us had to live in a world without our child/children.

Tomorrow is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  As part of the day, everyone is invited to light a candle at 7 pm in all time zones, all over the world.  The idea is that if everyone lights a candle at 7 pm and keeps is burning for at least 1 hour, there will be a continuous wave of light.

Better

October 8, 2012 at 11:50 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons, Love, normal? | 9 Comments
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I have written before how I am so very lucky for my grandfather.  I know that he will not live forever.  It was never the plan for him to outlive me.  I know that is not what he would want.  It defies the circle of life that Evan and I have outlived 2 of our children.  Jake and Sawyer were supposed to bury us. 

My grandfather is now in hospice.  Although life is going in the natural order – it is still hard.  I do not want to see my grandfather in pain.  I want to make it easier.  I do not know what to do except what I have always done – love him unconditionally.  And, appreciate how much better the world and my life is because of him.

The Balancing Act

October 4, 2012 at 11:14 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons, normal?, venting | 5 Comments
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Areas of my life which I wish I could find a balance:

1. Answering the question, “how many children do you have?”

The twins started a new school this year. There are new teachers. New parents.

The twins started preschool the week after Sawyer died. We did not plan it that way but it is the way it worked out. It was a small preschool. I had already answered the questions. I had cried the tears in the parking lot.

Sawyer has been gone over 2 years so I can usually answer the question without the tears. The balance I am trying to find is answering the question without the pity that always seem to come along with it. It is hard to explain but I do not want people to feel sorry for us. I just want to be able to answer the question and talk about Jake and Sawyer.

2. “Being so busy I cannot think” coping technique

In 2005, Jake had died. I was still alive and forced to figure out how to live in a world without him. I searched and searched for steps to follow. A guide. Anything to help me get through the excruciatingly painful moments. I realized that being busy was the way to go. I desperately filled every possible moment.

In 2009 after Sawyer died I continued to utilize my “being so busy I cannot think” coping technique. I am at a point where I need to rethink just how busy I keep myself.

I do not know how to find the balance. There might not be a balance. Or, maybe there is and I will find it one day.  Till then I will try to take Dr. Seuss’ advice and “step with care and great tact.”

Home is where the heart is. . .

September 30, 2012 at 11:02 pm | Posted in after death?, Cemetery, Grief, normal? | 7 Comments
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I think that is how the saying goes. . .but what if your heart has been smashed into a thousand pieces?  Where is your home then?   I want my home to include all of my children.  Jake never left the hospital.  Sawyer did live in our home but not for long enough.

Our next door neighbors are selling their house.   There has been a lot of talk about what people want in a house.  A garage.  A basement.  X number of bedrooms and bathrooms.  The top of my list is actually none of those options.  My biggest concern is how far the house is from the cemetery where Jake and Sawyer are buried.  We currently live 15 minutes away.

I was speaking to another mom at baseball practice and she mentioned that her neighborhood is at the edge of the cemetery.  My mind filled with thoughts of what it would be like to be able to walk over to see Jake and Sawyer.   Would I go more often?  Would I ever go anywhere without going to the cemetery first?  It is so hard to drive by it and not stop.

Today we went and picked out 4 mini pumpkins.  One for each of the twins.  One for Jake.  One for Sawyer.  I was thinking that I would bring them to the cemetery as I have done in past years.  The twins had another idea.  They insisted on bringing the pumpkins to Jake and Sawyer’s room.  Jake never had a room in our current house.  He was born and died 2 years before we moved into our house.   Sawyer did have a room.  It was the room next to the twins’ room.  And, that is where they brought the 2 mini pumpkins.

   

Letter to the Twins’ Kindergarten Teachers

September 4, 2012 at 10:10 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love, normal?, twins | 11 Comments
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Dear Ms. B. and Ms. K.,
We have been having a great year so far. The twins love being in your classes. We completed the Family Tree homework assignment which was due today. I thought I should clarify about a few of the leaves.  The ones which I am specifically referring to are the following:

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I honestly do not know what the twins will say about these leaves when it is their turn to present.  They may say something like “Jake and Sawyer are flowers.”  Or, they could tell the class how they bring stones to Jake and Sawyer.  It is also possible they could tell the class which Halloween costumes they have picked out for Jake and Sawyer.

Jake was their older brother.  He died before the twins were born.  Sawyer was their younger brother.  He died when the twins were 2 1/2 years old.  I do not know if they have any real memories of Sawyer.

The twins will not cry as they excitedly tell you and the rest of their class about their brothers.  They will happily talk and talk about them both.  They will smile as they explain to you how much they wish Jake and Sawyer would grow.

If you have any questions please feel free to let me know (I will try my best but I can not promise that I will not cry).

Thanks again,
The Twins’, Jake’s and Sawyer’s Mom

Family Portrait

August 28, 2012 at 9:58 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love, normal?, twins | 14 Comments
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Here is our family.  One of the twins pulled out her markers after school and this is what she created for me.  In case you are not sure who is pictured here I will explain:
  1. I am on the left side and look as if I have never seen a brush in my life.  However, I do have a nice purple bow in my hair.
  2. Evan is way on the right.  He is very tall.  And thin.  He could also use a good hair brushing.
  3. In the middle are the twins.  She is in pink.  He is in blue.
  4. Also in the middle, and above the twins are our dogs, Buddy and Baby.  They usually have their paws planted on the floor.
  5. At the very bottom of the page are our fish, Fred and Rose.  Fred was recently renamed Lightening Flash Fred.
  6. Which brings us to the circles in the middle. . .The larger of the circles is Jake.  The next largest circle is Sawyer.  The smallest is for the baby .  I did not realize they even knew that I was pregnant.  I was wrong.

Thank you Jake

August 12, 2012 at 9:52 pm | Posted in after death?, Grief, twins, why I write | 12 Comments
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“If there ever comes a day when we can’t be together
keep me in your heart, I’ll stay there forever.”
Winnie the Pooh,  A. A. Milne

Dear Jake,
It was 7 years ago today when I was admitted to the hospital.  The doctors said there was no other option.  You were not ready for this world.  I suppose the world was not ready for you.  Your dad and I were terrified when the doctor told us my contractions were 3 minutes apart.  I could not believe at 26 weeks it could possibly be real.  I did truly believe you would live.  You held on for 2 more days before we actually got to meet you.

I still cannot understand how it is 7 years later.  I do not need a calendar to tell me the time of year.   My tears are much closer to the surface.  The lump in my throat is back.  My irritation and impatience have also risen just below my skin.  My nerves are so raw.  I wish to lock myself away so that I do not snap.  I already have apologized to your daddy.   If only just for a few moments I could be with you and your littlest brother.  I know that it is not possible.  However, this time of year I frequently seem to find myself back on the island of denial.

Your Yahrzeit was this weekend.   (The Yahrzeit falls annually on the Hebrew date of the deceased relative’s death according to the Jewish calendar as opposed to the secular calendar.)  Your dad and I lit a Yahrzeit candle for you.

You have 2 new cousins!  Welcome to the world Eli and Owen!!  I wish you could meet them.  You probably already know this but your sister asked if she could have one of the babies.  She desperately wants a baby brother.  She talks about you and Sawyer almost every day.  This morning she brought me two blankets she found for each of you.  She is so sweet and thoughtful.  I am trying my best to keep it together.

Thank you for chosing us as your parents.  Thank you for the time you were able to spend with us.  Thank you for sending us your baby brother and sister.  They are shielding us from all the rain.

I miss you so much.  I love you to the moon and back baby boy.  I will look for you in my dreams.

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