Sawyer’s Story (part 11): Darkness before Dawn

February 9, 2011 at 4:44 pm | Posted in Grief | 8 Comments

After seeing Sawyer we were brought back into the room with the chaplain.  The medical examiner told us that the police would be there shortly.  In the meantime, he asked if we would answer some questions.  I felt like I was in a horror movie.  We told him that now would be as good a time as any for his questions. 

“Did either of you know how Sawyer got a scratch on his head?” asked the medical examiner.  We both looked at each other.  “Scratch, what scratch?”.  I tried so hard to recall ever inch of Sawyer.  Finally, Evan answered, “We were not aware of any scratches on Sawyer’s head.  We do have 2 year-old twins who could have scratched him.  Or, maybe one of us scratched him by accident.”

“Did you take Sawyer to the pediatrician?” was the second question.  Somehow I found my voice.  “Yes, of course we did.”

At some point the policeman arrived.  He sat with us, the chaplain and the medical examiner in the little room at Children’s Hospital.  The medical examiner continued with his questions.

“Was Sawyer healthy?”

We replied, “Yes, as far as we knew.  He was full term and perfect.”

“What happened the night of December 25th?

We both told the medical examiner every thing we could about the night before.  And, we told him about waking up at 2:46 am.

“Can we follow you back to your house to see where he was sleeping and talk to the night nurse?”

We both said, “Sure.”

We went to the car and waited (for what seemed like forever) until the medical examiner and the policeman pulled their cars up behind us.  It was still dark.  I had no idea what time it was.  All I knew was that we were leaving the hospital without Sawyer.  We began to drive home.

“The darkest hour is just before the dawn”
– Proverb (written by Thomas Fuller)


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  1. Oh Lanie, what a terrible thing you had to go through.

  2. I can’t imagine the shock of all that you endured. I’m continually amazed by the strength you and Evan showed through all of this. I hope your darkness is giving way to some light.

  3. Lanie,
    Because my husband died alone (I was at our beach house) our home was made into a crime scene until the autopsy report and detective report could be finalized. The horror, the sadness, the questions… hugs and love to you my friend.. I know of the fog you speak of.


  4. Hi, My name is Melinda and you don’t know me. I have been reading your story and have been debated about commenting. I know nothing I have to say will make anything better but I wanted you to know my heart goes out to you and your family and you will be forever in my thoughts. You are stronger than you realize for sharing your story.
    Peace and love,

  5. Lanie,
    Hi I am following your family’s story here, hoping that makes you all feel a little less alone. Sometimes I really wonder why we have had to face the loss of our children, it is just so darn sad. You are very much in my thoughts and prayers. Be gentle, be easy with yourselves. Remember, the other children know how much you love them and try not to feel guilty for your need to grieve. Try to get rest when you can, it is good you are telling your story, I hope you get some relief from it. Please take care.

  6. Lanie, I’ve just caught up on your last couple posts. I’m so, so sorry. I can’t imagine the horror that you went through that night. I remember the night we had to leave the hospital without Aaron, too…devastating. You’re always on my heart. Prayers and love to you…

  7. […] Sawyer died, since his heart stopped at home, investigators questioned us in the ER.  Then they followed Evan and I home from the hospital to view the scene […]

  8. […] medical problems that cause great hardships or unexpected deaths — just like what happened to Sawyer more than 6 years ago. We will be walking in March for Babies again this year because we NEED to do […]

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