May 28, 2012 at 10:28 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss, normal?, pregnancy | 18 Comments
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The doctor who told me that I was most likely having a miscarriage put me on bed rest for a few days.    Bed rest for me equals time where my thoughts can take over any rational part of my brain and run wild.  Bed rest means that I can not resort to my usual defense of keeping so busy that I do not have time to think.

I cried on the couch as I watched the twins play.   I was so lucky that my mom was able to come to town.  I told her that she did not need to come.  I knew by the time I spoke to her that no amount of bed rest was going to help.  She said she wanted to come anyway.  I did not argue.

I thought writing about it in my last post would somehow help.  I reread my post and it turns out that I did not actually write what happened.   So here it is, I had a miscarriage.

I will be fine.  I will continue to get up and live just as I have every day, week, month and now years since Jake and Sawyer have died.


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  1. Lanie, I know words are inadequate, but please know that you and your family are always in our prayers. I find myself hesitating to hit send, thinking this sounds somehow inferior. But I read your all your posts and think of you often, and I just wanted you to know . . . even the quiet friends, from years back, pray for you.

  2. I’m so sorry Lanie. You are in my prayers every night.

  3. Again, I have no words. I too had a miscarriage before my youngest son was born. These little babies will forever live in our hearts and dreams. Oh.. the places they would have gone… on, on Lanie… it is all that we know.

    – Linda

  4. I can’t adequately put into words the sorrow I feel for you and your husband. I am so very, very sorry.

  5. Lanie, sending you my love.

  6. Thinking of you Lanie, and sending you healing thoughts and love.

  7. I wish I had words that could take all your pain away…. I am praying for you. Sending hugs.

  8. I am so sorry 😦 I know you will start your daily activities just as you have after losing your precious beloved boys but I know you are still hurting inside. Another loss comes two-fold. You grieve what you have lost and it brings you back to the forefront of grieving your sons. I’m sorry your family is going through this. You’re all strong and will make it but it still is painful.

    I’m here anytime to talk. Sending thoughts; lots of them.


  9. Another loss, my heart breaks for you and your hubby. Extra prayers are being said.

  10. So sorry you are going through this. Thoughts and prayers are being sent your way.

  11. I’m so glad your mom was able to come there and be with you but I know how hard it is to have to stay still and just think. I wish you weren’t coping with yet another loss Lanie, my heart just aches for you.

  12. Poor Lanie – I am so sorry to hear of your miscarriage and am relieved that Susan is by your side. May you recover quickly and fully! My best to your whol family, including your Mom. Love, Cornelia

  13. Lanie, hugs and love to you and Evan, as always. Your strength is amazing.

  14. xoxo …hugs from here to eternity.

  15. Belated hugs Lanie. I am so sorry.

  16. Very brave to openly share your pain.

  17. […] We were pregnant at the same time.  Their 4-year-old boy happily raced up our driveway.  My thoughts not so unexpectedly went to our never will be 4-year-old boy, Sawyer.  And then out of the car toddled their youngest daughter.   I remember her mom telling me that she was pregnant. I was so very happy for them and extra excited because I was hoping to tell them in a few weeks that we were expecting too.    I never told them because I miscarried. […]

  18. […] tests and the 4 live births.  I also try not dwell on the 2 emergency cz sections, the NICU, the miscarriage and the 2 deaths.  The truth is that all of these events have made me a […]

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