Time can be Tricky (part 2)

November 14, 2010 at 11:02 am | Posted in Death, Grief, mourning, silver lining | 10 Comments

“Time heals all wounds.”    Really, does it?   If it does, how much time?   It has been 5 years since Jake died and I am not healed.   Time certainly has changed my wounds but they are not gone.    Keeping busy helped me to live in a world without Jake.  The grief and the sadness were still always there but have become a part of me.   The twins brought and continue to bring happiness to my life but it does not take away the loss.  

Sawyer’s death in December, 2009 was not only devastating for the mere fact of losing Sawyer but it reopened the wounds from Jake’s death.   The pain of losing Sawyer is so excruciating at times that I cannot let myself think about it.   I put it away in a box and do not take it out.     I live in my land of denial and keep myself busy.   Toddler twins don’t leave too much free time so, often it is not a problem to stay in the land of denial.   I know that time will change this.   I will leave the land of denial more frequently and maybe one day I will not return to it.   However, it is impossible for me to believe there will come a time that I will be healed from losing my baby boys.   

As I wrote in this post, I try to stay present.   I repeat to myself  “remember the past, hope for the future but live in the present.”  It is just extremely difficult at times because the present does not include Sawyer or Jake.

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10 Comments »

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  1. Thinking of you this week with Sawyer’s birthday. lots of love. xo

  2. It’s so hard to believe that time does indeed keep passing, but hopefully as it does the wounds get easier to live with.

  3. Thinking about you always, and gaining more strength from you as you journey ahead of me. Love and peace to you, especially through the holiday season.

  4. Thinking of you and praying for you this week. You are am amazing woman. Thanks for sharing your journey with your us.

  5. your post reminded me of a quote from the movie Kung Fu Panda “There is a saying: yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the “present.” ”

    We love you Lanie and will do anything within our power to support and help you. And tomorrow we are going to a church here to light a special candle to remember Sawyer.

  6. I am thinking of you and continue to be amazed by your strength, openness, and the beauty of your writing.

  7. Special prayers for you and your family during this painful time, Lanie. Hold on tight to each other to get through this.

  8. Thinking of you and Evan always.

  9. I am thinking of you and I love you. If you need me, I am close. Lanie, are a very strong person, even when you don’t feel like it. I am sure you would like to be something besides strong every day, but your strength is the foundation that allows all the other beautiful things about you shine.

  10. I have a quote that I love…I found it shortly after Eli died, and it is still – 6 years later – taped by my desk at work:

    “Healing is a matter of time, but it is also a matter of opportunity”
    -Hippocrates

    I think this blog is one of those opportunities.


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