So this is Christmas

December 24, 2011 at 11:58 pm | Posted in Grief, Love | 13 Comments
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This is such a festive time of year.  You can feel the happiness in the air.  I want to wish everyone happy holidays but I may never send another holiday card again.  I try in my own way.  I do not always succeed.

I cannot figure out why anniversaries and holidays are harder.  Every day Jake and Sawyer are gone.  We are Jewish so Christmas should not be difficult except for the fact that it is also the anniversary of Sawyer’s death.  No one is sure what time Sawyer really died.  His death certificate says 4:30 am on December 26th.  I believe he was gone before then but it does not really matter what time or place he died.  It just matters that he did die.  At times I fixate on the details and information I can understand to balance what I will never comprehend.

The last time I held him was at 10:45 pm on Christmas night.  He was on the floor of our bedroom at 2:46 am on December 26th.  The paramedics, the firemen and the police were there.  No one would let me get close to Sawyer.  In the ambulance I could not sit in the back with him.  I sat up front feeling helpless and alone.  Two years later I still feel helpless and alone.

I have hope and even joy but there is always something (someone) missing.

No matter what I do December 26th will come.  I cannot make time stand still.  I do not want to be any farther away from Sawyer than I already am but it will happen.

I wish I could go somewhere far away from our bedroom floor.  I cannot run or hide.  No matter where I go my grief goes too.  I will keep very busy.  I will be the best mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend and person that I can be.  Again, I will not always succeed.  I will have hope.  I will wait until I can hold Sawyer again.

For some moments in life there are no words.
~David Seltzer, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory


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  1. Thinking of you Lanie, and Evan, Alyssa and Fletcher, so much this month and on this day. Sending you love and hugs and healing, always healing. xoxo

    • Thank you. We will take all the hugs and healing we can get. Sending you hugs right back. xoxo

  2. I understand.


    • Sometimes it feels like I am going crazy so thank you for understanding. xoxo

  3. My thoughts are with you. That picture is so beautiful.
    Sending you hugs and wishes for peace and love.

    • Thank you – we will take all peace, love and hugs that we can get. Sending them back to you all.

  4. I wish I could bring Sawyer and Jake to you. Love you. Xo

    • I wish you could too – thank you for the thought. Love you too. xoxo

  5. I also will not forget Sawyer or Jake. I wish I could help. Thinking of all of you and sending my love.


  6. Dahlin’. I am thinking of you and of Evan and of this anniversary. Hold on to that hope my dear. With lots and lots of love. Amy

  7. Thinking of you today Lanie, the holidays are so difficult, I can only imagine how much harder it is to have Sawyer’s anniversary so close to the holidays as well. I wish this day was much different for you. I hope it passes as peacefully as it can.

  8. Thinking of you during this difficult time…it never goes away but certain times will be easier than others. Sending hugs. (<3)

  9. […] can barely make it though losing Jake and Sawyer even with being told by everyone that I did everything right, but that some things cannot be fixed […]

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