Yesterday

March 4, 2013 at 11:07 pm | Posted in after death?, Cemetery, Grief, life after loss | 12 Comments
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Yesterday was the 2 year anniversary of Evan’s mom’s death.  It was also the day of the unveiling of her headstone.  She had asked that this poem be read:

To Those Whom I Love And Those Who Love Me
written by Mary Alice Ramish

When I am gone, release me, let me go
I have so many things to see and do
You must not tie yourself to me with tears
Be happy that I have had so many years

I gave you my love, you can only guess
How much you gave me in happiness
I thank you for the love you each have shown
But now it is time I travelled on alone

So grieve a while for me, if grieve you must
Then let your grief be comforted by trust
It is only for a while that we must part
So bless the memories within your heart

I will not be far away, for life goes on
So if you need me, call and I will come
Though you cannot see or touch me, I will be near
And if you listen with your heart, you will hear
All of my love around you soft and clear

Then, when you must come this way alone
I will greet you with a smile and say welcome home

We placed stones on her grave.  Evan and I had brought stones from Sawyer and Jake’s headstone.

I am so lucky to have had her as my mother-in-law.  I will always be here to tell the twins stories about their amazing Mom Mom.   I know I wrote in my last post that I bargained my life (and Evan’s) but it was never with the intention of leaving the twins.  I was just a desperate mother who wanted the impossible.

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Dinner Conversations & Divorce

January 30, 2013 at 10:52 pm | Posted in after death?, Grief, life lessons, normal? | 7 Comments
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At dinner the other night the twins started to discuss the fact that some of their classmates live with only one of their parents.  Evan and I tried to explain that sometimes parents do not always live in the same house.  This did not get us very far.

The twins responded in unison, “Why???”

“Why would a child’s parents not live in the same house.”

Good question.  Okay, I tried another angle.

I responded, “You know that daddy’s parents did not live in the same house?  Remember we visit Mom Mom and Pop Pop’s house and Grandmom and Grandpop’s house?”

Quizzical looks from both of them let me know that they were processing this information.  After a moment, he looked at me and said, “Well now that Mom Mom is dead does she live with Grandpop?”

Evan and I looked at each other. Neither of us had a response to give to our son. Luckily, his sister answered. “No silly! Mom Mom lives with Sawyer, Jake and Grandpoppy!”

Stuff

January 16, 2013 at 9:16 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, life after loss, normal? | 6 Comments
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Quote - things

Very often “get rid of clutter” is at the top of my to do list.  Okay, sometimes I put it at the top of Evan’s to do list.  I am overwhelmed by the piles of paper, toys, laundry, and stuff in general which seems to fill up the world.  However, there is some clutter that I just cannot part with.   The hospital bracelets from Jake’s tiny ankles, the smallest “sunglasses” which covered his sensitive eyes, every little thing that touched his body came home with us.

Sawyer had a lot more stuff.  Right after he died we packed up, donated or got rid of most of the things he never wore or used.  The things he did wear and use stayed on a shelf.  Year after year Sawyer’s stuff did not move.  Except for the sock.

I recently went on a business trip and when I got home Sawyer’s stuff was not on the shelf.  I backed out of the room and went in again.  It was still not there.  I yelled for Evan.  He calmly explained that he moved it.  Just like that.  He moved it to the same place where Jake’s stuff is kept.

Logically, I know that it is all just stuff but these are the only things that we will ever have that were Jake’s and Sawyer’s.  I thought about these things as I threw out garbage bag after garbage bag of stuff as I helped to clean out my grandfather’s home.  Why did I find it so easy, even therapeutic, to throw away his things?

I decided that my lifetime of memories with my grandfather made all the material things not necessary.   I do not need stuff to remember him.

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On the other hand, I had such a short time with Jake and Sawyer.  There are not so many memories or stories to tell.  So, I will hold onto the stuff that I can.

Sawyer and Evan

Reality Bites

January 8, 2013 at 10:54 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, mourning, normal? | 9 Comments
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quote - reality

Today it has been 1 week since I held my grandfather’s hand as he took his last breaths.  He is no longer suffering.  The funeral is over.  He was 100.  His death was not a shock.  Death is part of life.  I repeat these statements to myself several times a day.   So, why do I still feel like I am walking around in an alternate universe?

Evan, the twins and I have returned to work, school and life in general.

People ask “How were your holidays?”  I want to scream, my grandfather died on New Years Day.  Sawyer died the day after Christmas 3 years ago.  I officially hate the holidays!!!  However, I instead take a deep breath and respond, “Fine, how were yours?”

My thoughts are scattered.  It took me less than 1 day to lose the new insurance card Evan handed to me.  I got lost driving somewhere I go almost every week.

I am figuring out another new normal.

The Circle of Life

January 2, 2013 at 4:44 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons, Love, mourning | 14 Comments
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Quote - winnie the pooh

I always knew that I would outlive my grandfather.  It is the way that life is supposed to go.  I made peace with my feelings about death in 2005.  After Jake died, defying the circle of life, I quickly came to terms with my own mortality.  I am not going to do anything to speed it up but I know I will die one day.  And, I knew the day would come when my grandfather would die.  No one lives forever.

He died yesterday.  I know that he was 100 and lived a (mostly) beautiful life but the last part of it was so excruciatingly painful for him.  I would have given anything to spare him the suffering he endured.

I am so very lucky that I was able to spend so much time with him.  The twins got to know him. I believe they will have memories of their wonderful great grandfather.

I am hoping and praying that he is now resting in peace with my grandmother.  And maybe, just maybe he will meet and play with his other 2 great grandchildren .

Better

October 8, 2012 at 11:50 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons, Love, normal? | 9 Comments
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I have written before how I am so very lucky for my grandfather.  I know that he will not live forever.  It was never the plan for him to outlive me.  I know that is not what he would want.  It defies the circle of life that Evan and I have outlived 2 of our children.  Jake and Sawyer were supposed to bury us. 

My grandfather is now in hospice.  Although life is going in the natural order – it is still hard.  I do not want to see my grandfather in pain.  I want to make it easier.  I do not know what to do except what I have always done – love him unconditionally.  And, appreciate how much better the world and my life is because of him.

Anger

September 24, 2012 at 10:46 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons, normal?, twins | 7 Comments
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As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world — that is the myth of the atomic age — as in being able to remake ourselves. – Gandhi

Anger.  It is the 2nd stage of grief according to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross.  At the time of Jake’s and Sawyer’s deaths I do not specifically remember feeling anger.  Perhaps there was no room for anger because the stages of denial, bargaining and depression seemed to have trapped me.  However, anger creeps into my life at unexpected times.

I was waiting in line with one of the twins so that she could sit in a fire truck.  We were patiently waiting our turn.

We were in line behind a very cute girl with Down syndrome.  She was not so sure about climbing up the stairs of the fire truck.  The fireman offered to help her but she wanted to do it herself.

I asked the woman with the girl in front of us in line how old she was.  She responded, “She is my daughter’s girl and she is 8.”  I wanted to say something back to her like “You mean she is your granddaughter?”  I remained silent.  Jake would have been 7.  Would he have liked fire trucks?

My little girl began to ask repeatedly, “When is it my turn?” My silence broke to reassure her that, “It is your turn next.”

The woman with the girl, looked at my daughter who at this point was jumping up and down as she continued to whine about her turn, pointed towards her granddaughter and said “This will really teach you patience.”  And there it was – anger.  I was angry at this grandmother.  I have not walked in her shoes.  I do not know the first thing about her life but I was angry.  The voice inside my head wanted to explain to her that I too had a Down syndrome child but he died.  He died before I got the chance to learn that level of patience.  I once again remained silent.

100!

August 30, 2012 at 9:10 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love, silver lining, Time | 10 Comments
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If things get better with age, then you are approaching magnificent. –Unknown

August is filled with happy and sad days for me but it always ends with the birthday of my amazing grandfather.  He is 100! today!! In my opinion he has not only approached magnificent but passed it by long ago.  I am so very lucky to have him in my life.

I submitted the birthday application to have the chance for Williard Scott to wish him a Happy Birthday on the Today Show.  Apparently there are a lot of centenarians these days and Williard Scott did not wish him a happy birthday.  So, I will . . .

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

Random H’s

April 20, 2012 at 6:50 pm | Posted in life after loss, parents, silver lining, twins | 9 Comments
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Hugs:

Hugs

How To. . .:

Hairdos:

Happy Hairdo

 

Hairdos - A & Uwannabun

Hounds:

Hounds

Hope:

March of Dimes 2011

Life & Light

October 15, 2011 at 11:18 am | Posted in Death, Grief, mourning, silver lining | 3 Comments
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“Instead of cursing the darkness, light a candle”
– –  Benjamin Franklin

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day.  It is a day to promote and support the education and awareness for grieving parents.  Today and every day I miss Jake and Sawyer but tonight at 7 pm we will light candles.  This year I will once again hope that the light from all the candles will make the darkness of the unknown a little brighter.

As we honor  and remember the short lives of Jake and Sawyer today.  I would also like to honor the long life of Evan’s wonderful and amazing grandfather (aka GGP), Si Picker (if you click on the link skip down to the section titled “Naked with Brad Pitt”).  If you do not click on the link I will give you the cliff notes version.  Si Picker around the age of 60 became an actor.  One of the films that he was in was called Johnny Suede with a very young Brad Pitt.  Pitt was having a dream sequence in which GGP was sitting naked on a bar stool.

I know that death is part of life.  GGP’s death is the natural order life – it is still so sad.

“Love is stronger than death even though it can’t stop death
from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can’t separate people
from love. It can’t take away our memories either.
In the end, life is stronger than death.”
– – Anonymous

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