Humpty Dumpty & Hope

October 28, 2011 at 11:18 am | Posted in Grief, silver lining | 6 Comments
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In 2009 on the week before Halloween I went into labor with Sawyer.  Evan and I went to the ER.  It turned out to be preterm labor. I was given terbutaline and sent home.  I took terbutaline for the 3 weeks before I was scheduled for my c-section.  Terbutaline made me feel like I had 47 cups of coffee and I wanted to jump out of my skin.  It is no longer given to women for preterm labor.  My mind wants to make some sort of connection between Sawyer’s death and me taking the terbutaline but I am determined to (try to) keep my no guilt promise.

When I went into preterm labor I was around 34 weeks pregnant.  In my mind that was great.  Jake had been born at 26 weeks and he had died.  After Jake’s diagnosis and death I became a new person.  Growing up I always believed in happily ever after.  Everything would be ok.  In 2005 my innocence was shattered.  However, I somehow lived through that awful year. 

The new me rationalized that if I could just make it into the 30 week range in any future pregnancies Jake’s siblings would be fine.   (The new me also was silly enough to believe that becoming pregnant would not be an issue – the infertility rollercoaster instantly cured me of that delusion). 

The twins were born at 35 weeks.  Sawyer was born at 37 1/2 weeks.  Sawyer was 8 lbs at birth.  Jake was 2 lbs.  My new self thought that once Sawyer was home we were in the clear.  Six short weeks after Sawyer came home my “new” world was once again devastated.  I am still piecing myself back together.  I might be working on this for the rest of my life.  Maybe I will be like Humpty Dumpty and “all the king’s horses and all the king’s men” won’t be able to put me back together again.

However, I have my own little people with horses and they are excellent with glue.

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  1. Lanie,
    I don’t think we are ever the same after devastating loss. This is not to say that we are not “all together”… but loss changes us. I would like to believe that my loss has changed me for the better. I too believed in happily ever after and I’m still trying to put myself back together – I will be different, yes. But I will also be more understanding, more compassionate and more in the now because I know all too well how truly short life is.


  2. Where are your little cowboy and cowgal? These are great pics and I miss these 2 already!
    You do have them, and all of us out here, to pass out the glue…

  3. We always be here to help put you back together again. Your strength is amazing. Lots of love. xo

  4. As Dora says… just keep swimming… love you!

  5. Sometimes it’s possible to put the puzzle together even if there’s a small piece missing. Your family is the glue…

  6. […] Today we had the twins with us and we were there for Jake and Sawyer. […]

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