Home is where the heart is. . .

September 30, 2012 at 11:02 pm | Posted in after death?, Cemetery, Grief, normal? | 7 Comments
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I think that is how the saying goes. . .but what if your heart has been smashed into a thousand pieces?  Where is your home then?   I want my home to include all of my children.  Jake never left the hospital.  Sawyer did live in our home but not for long enough.

Our next door neighbors are selling their house.   There has been a lot of talk about what people want in a house.  A garage.  A basement.  X number of bedrooms and bathrooms.  The top of my list is actually none of those options.  My biggest concern is how far the house is from the cemetery where Jake and Sawyer are buried.  We currently live 15 minutes away.

I was speaking to another mom at baseball practice and she mentioned that her neighborhood is at the edge of the cemetery.  My mind filled with thoughts of what it would be like to be able to walk over to see Jake and Sawyer.   Would I go more often?  Would I ever go anywhere without going to the cemetery first?  It is so hard to drive by it and not stop.

Today we went and picked out 4 mini pumpkins.  One for each of the twins.  One for Jake.  One for Sawyer.  I was thinking that I would bring them to the cemetery as I have done in past years.  The twins had another idea.  They insisted on bringing the pumpkins to Jake and Sawyer’s room.  Jake never had a room in our current house.  He was born and died 2 years before we moved into our house.   Sawyer did have a room.  It was the room next to the twins’ room.  And, that is where they brought the 2 mini pumpkins.



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  1. Your children have great ideas.

  2. Today Lukas and I were talking about what happens after someone dies. I tried to explain that when someone passes that they continue to live on through you. And L said ‘Sawyer lives in Lanies heart’. I know that is true. Does not matter how close you are to the cemetary – they are always with you. miss u!!

  3. This is beautiful, Lanie. Again, the kiddos come up with the sweetest and simplest options — they never cease to amaze. What a great job you are doing mama!

  4. Your children are just as caring and thoughtful as you are. I agree with Susan…. your children are in your heart always.

  5. I just happened across your blog and was reading into your history. I have twins and a little girl that have survived E.R. & NICU scares. I have to say, your strength is inspiring. There aren’t any words I can say or any way I can begin to understand your pain.. but I’m sending a huge virtual hug and I hope you continue to get stronger day by day.

  6. Kids just do the darndest things, don’t they? What little loving ones they are! Reflective of you and Evan…

  7. I love the way you incorporate Sawyer and Jake into the Twins’ daily lives. They will always grow up with such healthy ways of remembering their brothers. You are the reason that happens. Well done Lanie.

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