Hasta Luego House and Hair

June 2, 2013 at 11:48 am | Posted in Grief, life after loss, Love, normal? | 7 Comments
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“How would this do: and they all settled down and lived together
happily ever after?’
‘It will do well, if it ever comes to that,’ said Frodo.
‘Ah!’ said Sam. ‘And where will they live? That’s what I often wonder.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

I wrote about our old house in this post.  We had been renting it since we moved in 2007.  It was not the plan to rent it all this time but as my grandfather used to say “people make plans and G-d laughs.”  And, there was the real estate market crashing. . .

Last week we sold the house.  Before the closing I went in to walk around.  I stood in what was supposed to be Jake’s room.  The once baby blue walls are now whitish.  The room was empty.   No tears filled my eyes as I entered.  Jake was not there.  I did not really think that he would be – I know that he is with me where ever I go.  The address does not matter.

Completely unrelated (except for the fact that it also happened last week), I donated my hair for the 4th time to Pantene’s Beautiful Lengths.  So far, “Pantene has donated 24,000 free real-hair wigs” to cancer patients throughout the country.  It takes 6 donations to make 1 wig.  So, I have officially donated 2/3 of 1 wig.

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Happy Anniversary Evan!

May 28, 2013 at 9:58 pm | Posted in Anniversaries, Grief, life after loss, Love | 9 Comments
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Most of the anniversaries I write about are not really anniversaries at all.  They are really Deathiversaries.

This past week Evan and I celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary.

Us

In 10 years we have had 4 miraculous children.  We have buried our oldest and our youngest sons.  I am afraid to count how many other funerals we have attended.

The divorce statistics after the death of a child are debatable.  Some say it is a very high number, others disagree.   I am not sure which to believe and I do not think it matters.   It is bittersweet.  All marriages have difficult and stressful times (I think).

Our lives are not the “happily ever after” that I had imagined but

quote - happy ending

Last Day of Kindergarten

May 22, 2013 at 10:56 pm | Posted in Jake, Love, Sawyer, twins | 9 Comments
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quote - live - einstein

Today was the last day of kindergarten for the twins.  They have both been telling me for the last several weeks, “Mama, we are ready to go to 1st grade.”  I am so very happy watching them grow up.  This is what I want.  The twins are alive and growing.  So, why am I sad?

I know that I am not supposed to “grow” Jake and Sawyer up.  There is no point in mourning the 7-year-old and the 3-year-old who I will never know.  Logically, I know this is true.  However, somehow between the end of the year parties, musicals, recitals and tournaments my mind finds time to imagine the little boy who should be sitting in my lap watching his older siblings. And, then my mind wanders to the proud older brother who should be sitting next to me watching his younger brother and sister.

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There is no 3-year-old sitting in my lap.  No 7-year-old next to me.  However, I am here in the land of the living.  Evan and I are watching the twins grow while remembering Jake and Sawyer.  Life is bittersweet.  Miraculous and Miserable.

1st grade here we come

Ready or not . . .

Thank you!

April 28, 2013 at 8:54 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, life after loss, Love, Sawyer | 9 Comments
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Yesterday was the March of Dimes – March for Babies.  We warmed up:

March of Dimes 2013 - batman March of Dimes 2013 - warm up

We ran:

March of Dimes - 2013 - runner girl

We rested:

March of Dimes 2013 - resting

And most importantly, we remembered Jake, Sawyer and all the other babies who were not there to march with us:

March of Dimes 2013 - team

Thank you again for supporting our team this year and in past years.    We appreciate all of your amazing kindness and generosity.

Names in the sand (part 2) and Spam

April 12, 2013 at 8:36 am | Posted in after death?, Grief, Jake, life after loss, Love, Sawyer | 9 Comments
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So sorry if you recently received spam from me.  I have changed my password and hopefully I should be spam free now.

In case you could not see the link to Jake’s name in the sand here it is:

jake-1

Thank you again Carly Marie!  Here is Sawyer’s too:

sawyer

Sending you all hugs and hope.  I truly appreciate you reading and remembering Jake and Sawyer.

Sunshine and Rain (part 2)

February 28, 2013 at 11:24 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, Love, normal?, Sawyer, twins | 7 Comments
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helen keller quote

Thank you all for the kind words of encouragement.  The rain has stopped and there is some sunshine through the clouds.

When it rains one of the twins usually says “HaShem is crying.”  This week, I decided to ask, “Why do you think HaShem is crying?”  He responded, “I don’t know, mama.  Maybe HaShem is very sad.”

Ever since Jake and then Sawyer died I do feel like the rain is tears.  Sometimes I will confess that I am glad it is raining because it matches my sadness.  And, as an added bonus the raindrops disguise the tears running down my cheeks.

However, the other twin chimed in with her own answer.  “Maybe they are not tears of sadness. Maybe they are tears of happiness.”

Maybe

January 24, 2013 at 11:48 pm | Posted in after death?, Grief, life lessons, normal? | 5 Comments
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Maybe (Taoist story)

There is a Taoist story of an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years. One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit. “Such bad luck,” they said sympathetically.

“Maybe,” the farmer replied. The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it 3 other wild horses. “How wonderful,” the neighbors exclaimed.

“Maybe,” replied the old man. The next day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy on his misfortune. “Maybe,” answered the farmer. The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son’s leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out. “Maybe,” said the farmer.

After Sawyer died, one of Evan’s friends came over to see us.  Those days were such a blur that I do not remember his exact words but I will try to give you the basic gist.  He explained that sometimes things happen and we do not see or understand why at the time.  We may never understand why but the fact that Sawyer died could influence someone or something in the future. 

I, of course, responded that I will never understand why. 

He went on to say that some events need to be looked at in different ways.

I again responded that I have examined and reexamined every angle of Sawyer’s death and could not find anything except for earth shattering pain, emptiness and never ending darkness.

However, he continued to make his point in a way that I could actually accept.   He gave the example that when the twins grow up that their experience of Sawyer dying could impact them beyond my initial thoughts of how they would grow up without their baby brother.  They could be perhaps go on to discover a cure for whatever caused Sawyer’s death.  In that moment I grasped the fact that something good could possibly result from Sawyer dying.  Maybe, just maybe.

A light in the darkness

December 8, 2012 at 9:46 pm | Posted in Grief, Love | 3 Comments
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Eleanor Roosevelt  quote

The Compassionate Friends is an organization which was formed to support families after a child has died.  Its founder, Simon Stephens, states that the mission is “about transforming the pain of grief into the elixir of hope. It takes people out of the isolation society imposes on the bereaved and lets them express their grief naturally. With the shedding of tears, healing comes. And the newly bereaved get to see people who have survived and are learning to live and love again.”

The Compassionate Friends created a worldwide event to unite “family and friends around the globe in lighting candles for one hour to honor and remember children who have died at any age from any cause.”  December 9th at 7 pm will mark the 16th Worldwide Candle Lighting.

Elections & Explanations

November 8, 2012 at 10:22 pm | Posted in after death?, Grief, Love, normal? | 13 Comments
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Dear Sawyer,
Your sister has big plans!  She would change the colors of the rainbow if she were elected president (just in case you cannot read her handwriting).  Hopefully, if she does decide to run for president she will first brush her hair.  I will not list all changes I would make.  But if I did make a list, the first thing would be to find the cure for whatever took you away from us.

I try not to think about it but I still cannot believe that we do not know your cause of death. The first weeks and months after you died I could not think of anything else.  I went over and over in my mind what could have possibly happened.  I looked for more information everywhere.  I thought if there was some logical explanation perhaps I could understand.  No medical explanation has been found.  I have tucked away the search for your cause of death. I will never forget or stop wanting answers.  I just cannot let myself go there very often.  We may never know why your heart just stopped.  Even if we did, it would not bring you back. And, that is what I want most of all.

I still hold out hope that one day the study that you are part of at the Mayo Clinic will find something.  Anything.

Time is moving forward, as it always does.  I am not sure how it is possible but your 3rd birthday will soon be here.  I do not want  it to be another November 17th without you. I know there is no other option for me.  Your birthday will come and go.  We will not watch you eat your birthday cake.  We will not take pictures of you opening gifts.  Or hug you.  .  .

I will now put away that part of me that cannot stop obsessing about your unknown cause of death.  I hope that where ever you are you know how much you are loved and missed.

100!

August 30, 2012 at 9:10 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love, silver lining, Time | 10 Comments
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If things get better with age, then you are approaching magnificent. –Unknown

August is filled with happy and sad days for me but it always ends with the birthday of my amazing grandfather.  He is 100! today!! In my opinion he has not only approached magnificent but passed it by long ago.  I am so very lucky to have him in my life.

I submitted the birthday application to have the chance for Williard Scott to wish him a Happy Birthday on the Today Show.  Apparently there are a lot of centenarians these days and Williard Scott did not wish him a happy birthday.  So, I will . . .

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

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