Second Star

February 18, 2014 at 11:14 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, life lessons, Love, Sawyer, Time | 5 Comments
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When Jake died the hospital gave us a packet of information to take home.  I remember trying to read it through my tears and being unable to make out most of the words.  When I got to the page on “Ways to Honor Your Child” I got a tissue, wiped my eyes and read.  One of the ways was to name a star.  Before I knew it I was on the phone buying a star for Jake:

Jake's Star

Jake’s Star

The star date is his birthday and it is in the constellation of Leo (Jake’s zodiac sign).  We have the star certificate with all of Jake’s other belongings.  I think before now the only other person I told that I bought a star was Evan.  Buying the star made me feel a bit better for the moment.  It was something I could do for Jake.  Funny how time changes some things. . .

After Sawyer died I did not buy a star.  The thought of buying another star did not make me feel better.  Recently, I came across Jake’s star certificate and decided that I did want a star for Sawyer after all.

I tried to order it online and then finally called.  I wanted Sawyer’s star date to be his birthday, just like Jake’s.  The star registry only goes back 2 years – which meant 2012, 2013 or this year.  There is no 2009 option.  I chose this year  – for Sawyer’s 5th birthday.

Sibling rivalry is an issue at times in our house with the twins.  I will never know if Sawyer would be unhappy that Jake had a star and he did not but the second star bought to avoid any worries.  It made me feel a bit better and it was something I could do for Sawyer.

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100!

August 30, 2012 at 9:10 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love, silver lining, Time | 10 Comments
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If things get better with age, then you are approaching magnificent. –Unknown

August is filled with happy and sad days for me but it always ends with the birthday of my amazing grandfather.  He is 100! today!! In my opinion he has not only approached magnificent but passed it by long ago.  I am so very lucky to have him in my life.

I submitted the birthday application to have the chance for Williard Scott to wish him a Happy Birthday on the Today Show.  Apparently there are a lot of centenarians these days and Williard Scott did not wish him a happy birthday.  So, I will . . .

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

7 years minus 1 day & I still miss you

August 26, 2012 at 9:14 pm | Posted in after death?, Grief, hydrops, Time | 15 Comments
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It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.  Rose Kennedy

Dear Jake,
Tomorrow it will be 7 years since your Dad and I held you. I am still not sure how anyone got me to leave the NICU that Friday night.  I have nothing really new to tell you.  It is another day without you.  Tomorrow will come and you will officially be gone for 7 years.  The numbers do not matter.   I will miss you forever.  Love you always.  I will look for you in my dreams.

Molly Bears and Mixed Blessings

June 16, 2012 at 7:48 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss, normal?, silver lining, Time, twins | 6 Comments
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Mixed Blessings:

The twins have finished another year of preschool.  This is what I want.  I want them to be healthy.  They should grow up, unlike their brothers who are frozen in time.  So why do I have such mixed emotions as yet another year flies by?   There is so much to look forward to as the twins get older.   Is it the fact that there is nothing to look forward to for Jake and Sawyer?  Or, is it because the twins might be leaving preschool behind and starting kindergarten?

Which brings me to reason #2 I am a mixed-up mom at the moment.  The twins’ birthday is 8 days before school here starts.  They will be among the youngest in their class.  Many of the neighborhood children who I thought would be starting kindergarten with them are going to another year of preschool (or pre kindergarten).    Evan and I have a few options for the twins.  Whatever we decide will work for our family.   In the meantime, I will keep repeating the words of my therapist or Buddha (or maybe both. . .) “everything is exactly the way it should be right now.”

Molly Bears:

Molly Christine died at 34 weeks, on May 30th 2010.  A high school friend gave her parents a weighted teddy bear.  Molly’s mom added rice to the bear so that it was the exact weight of Molly at her time of death/birth.   While nothing will replace Molly it helped her mother to hold the teddy bear.  Her mother began to make Molly Bears for other bereaved parents.  They have received over a thousand orders and so far have created hundreds of bears. Molly Bears are now with families in all 50 states and 13 countries.

Evan and I ordered bears for Jake and Sawyer.  We are looking forward to holding them in our arms.

Sweet Sawyer

November 17, 2011 at 7:48 am | Posted in Anniversaries, Grief, silver lining, Time | 24 Comments
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Sawyer

Dear Sawyer,
No matter what I do the days keep going by me. Today you would have been 2! It is so hard for me to believe that you would no longer be a baby. I close my eyes and try so hard to imagine you as a toddler. I only see your big baby eyes staring at me. I wish I could see you grow up. I cannot even put into words how much I want to hold you, hug you and sing happy birthday to you.

We will sing. Your birthday and you will not be forgotten. Not today, not ever. Your daddy and I will go to the cemetery. Your big sister and (one of) your big brother(s) will sing to you too. Maybe we will buy some balloons or a cupcake.

I will try to keep myself really busy. I know you already know this but ever since you died (maybe even since Jake died) I have to be very busy. It is like I am afraid that if I have too much time to think about it my brain will finally realize that you are gone. And you are not coming back.

I have so many things that I want to ask you:

Where are you?
Are you ok?
Do you know how much you are loved and missed?
Will I ever get a chance to hold you again?

There will be no answers. I will not see you grow up. I will be forever thankful that you chose us to be your parents. I cherish the nearly 6 weeks we were lucky to spend with you. I will always look for ways to carry on your purpose in this life. I will celebrate your bittersweet 2nd birthday. And as always, I will look for you in my dreams.

Sweet Sawyer, I love you and miss you. Happy Birthday baby boy!

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