gone but never forgotten

November 17, 2017 at 8:18 am | Posted in Grief, Love | 10 Comments
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Sweet Sawyer

Sawyer,
I miss you every single day but today I miss you extra.  Today eight years ago you were born.  It is (or should be) your 8th birthday.  How do I get through your 8th birthday without you?  I am not so sure.  I know I did it last year and the year before, so somehow I will get through today as well.

I am wearing purple for World Prematurity Day.  You were full term but all of your siblings were premature so I think you would be okay sharing your special day with them.  You were born on your scheduled C-section date and we could not wait to meet all 8 lbs of sweet wonderful you!

Wherever you are, I hope you know how much you are loved and missed.   As always, I will look for you in my dreams.

 

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Six

November 17, 2015 at 9:58 pm | Posted in Grief, Sawyer | 8 Comments
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Sawyer

Happy birthday sweet Sawyer!

I have no words today for how much you are loved and missed.   So i am borrowing the ones from your headstone:

There are stars so far away we only see their light long after they are gone.  Their memories keep shining ever brightly though their time with us is done. 

I will look for you in my dreams.  Love you always and forever.

Birthday Benches

August 20, 2015 at 11:36 pm | Posted in Grief, hydrops, Jake, life after loss, Love, NICU | 9 Comments
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Jake never left the hospital.  His short life was spent entirely in the NICU.  The only other places Evan and I went with him were the consult room and a small outdoor balcony off of the NICU.

The three of us

While helping with the special project of updating the consult room I heard that the balcony might need some new benches.  It seemed to make sense to me that for Jake’s 10th birthday we should get the benches for the balcony.  So that is what we did.  We miss you Jake.

quote - roses - Lincoln

Dear Jake

August 14, 2015 at 11:18 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love | 8 Comments
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Happy 10th birthday sweet boy.   Thank you for making me a mother.   I have tried really hard today to focus on how lucky we are to have had you in our lives even for such a short time.   The doctors and the statistics were not in favor of us spending any time on this earth together.  You beat the odds and you were born alive.   Then the doctors told us that you most likely would not live through the night – but again you proved them wrong.   You were such a brave and strong fighter.  Thank you for fighting so hard and for making Evan and me parents for the very first time.

I am trying to be brave and strong too but 10 years is an impossibly long time to live in this world without you.   I miss you today and always.  I hope that wherever you are you know how much you are loved and missed.

Look for the Happy

May 24, 2015 at 5:55 pm | Posted in Anniversaries, life after loss | 6 Comments
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On the road of life, it is not where you go
but who you are with that makes the difference.

Author Unknown

A very happy Birthday to my brother!

1972

And, a very happy anniversary to Evan!

image

Five

November 16, 2014 at 10:54 pm | Posted in Grief, Love | 10 Comments
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Dear Sawyer,
Tomorrow would/should be your 5th birthday. Five years ago tonight we were all anxiously waiting to meet you. Your Nanny and Pop came to take care of your big brother and sister while your daddy and I went to the hospital.

I still cannot believe that you are not here with us.  Some mornings I wake up and hope that it all has just been a horrific nightmare.  However, you are gone and this is our reality.  You are forever frozen at 6 weeks old. There are no new pictures to post. I know that I am so lucky to have the ones that we did take.  I just wish there were more.

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I miss you so much.  Happy birthday sweet Sawyer!  As always, I will look for you in my dreams.

 

Dear Jake

August 14, 2014 at 9:14 pm | Posted in Grief | 10 Comments
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Dear Jake,

today you would have been 9.  do you know how much we miss you?  i do not have the right words at the moment to tell you.  in fact my words and thoughts have been stuck for awhile. i guess you know this already.

i just want to tell you happy birthday baby boy.  love and miss you so very much. xoxo

Comment for a Cause

August 10, 2014 at 11:58 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, life lessons, Love | 1 Comment
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Jake’s 9th birthday would/should have been later this week.  I am not sure that we will ever know why Jake left us so soon but I do know that Evan and I would have done anything we could have to prevent it from happening.

Unlike Jake, every twenty seconds, a child dies from a vaccine-preventable disease. Every twenty seconds, more parents are living in a world without their child/children. I do not want any parent to lose a child to a preventable disease because they did not have access to a medication.

Heather Spohr has partnered with Shot@Life, a campaign of the United Nations Foundation, to help provide life-saving vaccines where they are most needed. For every comment on Heather Spohr’s Post “A Chance For Health” or social share post received during the month of August, Walgreens will donate a vaccine to a child in need around the world. 

Every child deserves the opportunity to have happy and healthy firsts.  For Jake’s 9th birthday please consider clicking on this link and commenting on Heather’s post .  Every comment gives another vaccine to a child who needs and wants one.

 

The unbirthday

November 20, 2013 at 10:22 pm | Posted in Grief, Sawyer | 7 Comments
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There are many ways to celebrate a deceased loved one’s birthday.  This year on Sawyer’s birthday I ran in a race in the morning.  One of my close friends suggested the idea.  I did not realize at the time that it was a 4 mile race benefiting Children’s Healthcare of Atlanta.  So, it was a 4 mile race on Sawyer’s 4th birthday benefiting the hospital where he died.  Seems appropriate, doesn’t it?

After the race we went to lunch with the twins.  We had pie.  Not birthday cake.  The little girl at the table next to us asked me if we were having dessert because it was someone’s birthday.  I said, “Yes, but the birthday boy is not here.”

Next we went to the cemetery where Sawyer’s sister decorated and sang happy birthday.  It started to rain.  I was thankful that the raindrops hid my tears.

Evan was a bit cranky which is more than understandable when you should be celebrating with your 4-year-old son but instead you are going to the cemetery.

Evan holding Sawyer

Evan holding Sawyer

My broken heart was glad when the day was finally done (even though I know my arms will ache to hold Sawyer just as much tomorrow).

Tomorrow

November 16, 2013 at 10:40 pm | Posted in Grief, Sawyer | 8 Comments
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The March of Dimes along with other parent groups and organizations in countries around the world dedicate tomorrow to raise awareness about premature birth and how it can be prevented.  It is World Prematurity day.  Hopefully, awareness and support will lead to more healthy babies.  No family should have to live in a world without their child/children.

Tomorrow is also the would be/should be/never will be 4th birthday of our sweet Sawyer.  While he was not premature, there are still no words to describe how much my arms ache to hold this little boy. . .

sweet Sawyer

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