Time can be Tricky

November 10, 2010 at 4:42 pm | Posted in Grief, mourning, twins | 6 Comments

One of the 40 definitions of time according to Webster’s dictionary is ” a moment, hour, day, or year as indicated by a clock or calendar.”

Time can be a very tricky thing.  I clearly remember periods of my life when I wanted to rush time.  When I was 15 I could hardly wait to turn 16 so that I could get my driver’s license.  Last year at this time I again, wanted time to move quickly.  I could not wait to meet our new baby.  

Now all I want is for time to stop.  I do not want Sawyer’s first birthday to arrive.  There will not be a first birthday party this weekend or next.  We are not ordering a cake to place in front of Sawyer to see what he will do with it.  We are just further in time from when I last held him in my arms.  I hope to always remember that feeling but time is constantly making it more distant.  The sound of his cry is slowly becoming a memory.  

Daylight saving time gave us one extra hour before Sawyer’s birthday.  However, one more hour will not help for long.  I know that time will move on and it will be next week before I know it.  

There are things that we don’t want to happen but have to accept, things we don’t want to know but have to learn, and people we can’t live without but have to let go. – Author Unknown

I  believe that I will see Sawyer and Jake one day (although as I wrote about in this post I am not always clear on my religious beliefs since Sawyer died).  I do not know for sure but perhaps time is taking me closer to when I will hold Jake and Sawyer again.  One thing I do know for certain is that there is no better way to spend time than with the twins and their dad.

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  1. I love the adorable slide show — You are right, there is no better way to spend time!

  2. No amount of physical pain can equal how I feel when I close my eyes and see Jake and Sawyer. No amount of joy can equal what I feel when I think about Fletcher, Alyssa, Hunter and Charlotte. No one can answer my questions, no matter how much I want to know why. So, I move from day to day, trying to appreciate what we do have and loving you all more and more, always and forever.

  3. Dear Lanie –
    Anniversaries are hard. I like the way you can express your pain and your wishes and how you judge your own attitudes and notions.
    Time is tricky but there is also something stable and predictable about it. And as you write yourself, passing time is turning some things into memories. That is not a bad thing, because you can call on those memories any time and no one can ever take them from you.
    Your affirming your appreciation of Evan, Fletcher and Alyssa is what will carry you forward; they will make your life worthwhile. Enjoy them!
    Love, Cornelia

  4. Oh Lanie. You describe your grief so beautifully. Wish I was there to give you hugs. xo

  5. Lanie,

    You have put into words what so many people feel. I can’t say that you’ll ever come to terms with “time”, but hopefully your grief will lighten as time passes.

  6. […] star made me feel a bit better for the moment.  It was something I could do for Jake.  Funny how time changes some things. . […]

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