Elections & Explanations

November 8, 2012 at 10:22 pm | Posted in after death?, Grief, Love, normal? | 13 Comments
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Dear Sawyer,
Your sister has big plans!  She would change the colors of the rainbow if she were elected president (just in case you cannot read her handwriting).  Hopefully, if she does decide to run for president she will first brush her hair.  I will not list all changes I would make.  But if I did make a list, the first thing would be to find the cure for whatever took you away from us.

I try not to think about it but I still cannot believe that we do not know your cause of death. The first weeks and months after you died I could not think of anything else.  I went over and over in my mind what could have possibly happened.  I looked for more information everywhere.  I thought if there was some logical explanation perhaps I could understand.  No medical explanation has been found.  I have tucked away the search for your cause of death. I will never forget or stop wanting answers.  I just cannot let myself go there very often.  We may never know why your heart just stopped.  Even if we did, it would not bring you back. And, that is what I want most of all.

I still hold out hope that one day the study that you are part of at the Mayo Clinic will find something.  Anything.

Time is moving forward, as it always does.  I am not sure how it is possible but your 3rd birthday will soon be here.  I do not want  it to be another November 17th without you. I know there is no other option for me.  Your birthday will come and go.  We will not watch you eat your birthday cake.  We will not take pictures of you opening gifts.  Or hug you.  .  .

I will now put away that part of me that cannot stop obsessing about your unknown cause of death.  I hope that where ever you are you know how much you are loved and missed.

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.
Entries and comments feeds.