Sawyer’s Story (part 12): Unanswered Questions

March 22, 2011 at 11:52 pm | Posted in Grief | 7 Comments

Evan and I left the hospital followed by the medical examiner and the police and Buddy and Baby met us at our front door.  I felt like we were moving in slow motion.  In our house the policeman, who was the first to arrive hours before, waited for us.  He left after talking to the medical examiner and the policeman who had already questioned us at the hospital. 

The twins were thankfully still asleep.  The medical examiner and the policeman asked the night nurse to go into the other room.  I have no idea what Evan and I did during this time. I am not even sure how long the questioning took.  I do remember that the night nurse needed a shirt.  They were taking her shirt for testing.  Sawyer had spit up while she was doing CPR.  Next, they all went to inspect the room where Sawyer had slept.  They took a few other items.  I stood there and stared blankly. 

Everyone came down the stairs.  The medical examiner and the policeman announced they were leaving.  The door closed behind them.  I could not figure out what we were supposed to do next.  My head was spinning trying to figure out how it could be possible that Sawyer was dead.  What happened?  What went wrong?  Had I done something?  Had I not done something?

No more than 2 minutes after the door closed behind the medical examiner and the policeman the twins woke up.  The night nurse offered to stay and help us with them.  Evan and I said thank you so much but we would go up and get them.  They were ready to start their day.  My thoughts shifted to the twins.  Whatever happened to Sawyer could it happen to them?  How could I protect them?  What would we tell them? 

“Strange is our situation here upon earth. Each of us comes for a short visit, not knowing why, yet sometimes seeming to a divine purpose. From the standpoint of daily life, however, there is one thing we do know: that we are here for the sake of each other, above all, for those upon whose smile and well-being our own happiness depends, and also for the countless unknown souls with whose fate we are connected by a bond of sympathy. Many times a day, I realize how much my outer and inner life is built upon the labors of others, both living and dead, and how earnestly I must exert myself in order to give in return as much as I have received.”  Albert Einstein


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  1. Lanie
    I keep you in my heart, along with Jake, Sawyer, the Alyssa, Fletcher, Michael, Charlotte, Hunter, Michele, Evan..this way I hold you close and feel the magic that you all have given me. Wherever we are, we are together. Thank you for sharing the words, the feelings, the compassion that are so you. Thank you for sharing yourself with us.
    I love you so very much.

  2. Lanie,

    How well I remember the fog of not knowing what to do next… I still don’t know what to do next. My purpose seems to have been intertwined with his… it seems that some are here for one brief, but shining moment. But OH what a moment it is!


  3. You are so brave for opening up and sharing. I got so sick of hearing after my miscarriage that “people just don’t talk about these things” as if there is something to be ashamed of. I started to feel wrong for wanting to talk to others about what happened to me. Your situation is vastly different than mine, but it is very powerful to share grief with another human being. We’ll never have a mustard seed, but that just means that we all have each other.

  4. Lanie,

    I am so grateful that you are sharing your story. We are ALL connected to each other in humanity, love, grief, joy, and sorrow. I am constantly reminded as I watch families grow and change that every day is a gift. Your memorial for Jake and Sawyer, and your committment to your twins and Evan, help keep me focused on the good stuff in my life. God bless you as you let your heart remember these tough moments.


  5. I guess life is just a series of doing whatever comes next, whether we can figure out what that’s supposed to be or not.

  6. This post made me go into the kids bedroom while they were sleeping and just sincerly thank the universe… I am so sorry for what you go thru everyday. I have heard that thru death we learn about life. Your experience thus far has taught me that each day with our children is a gift and to treat it as such. Thank you lanie for being to courageous to open up your life in this way to heal and to help others (and hopefully you too) along the way. love you!

  7. […] questioned us in the ER.  Then they followed Evan and I home from the hospital to view the scene and talk more about what happened. They quickly concluded that what ever exactly happened to Sawyer, […]

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