Elections & Explanations

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Elections & Explanations

November 8, 2012 at 10:22 pm | Posted in after death?, Grief, Love, normal? | 13 Comments
Tags: child loss, death of a baby, hope, Mayo Clinic, new not so normal, post traumatic stress disorder, Sawyer, thoughts, unexplainable, unknown

Dear Sawyer,
Your sister has big plans! She would change the colors of the rainbow if she were elected president (just in case you cannot read her handwriting). Hopefully, if she does decide to run for president she will first brush her hair. I will not list all changes I would make. But if I did make a list, the first thing would be to find the cure for whatever took you away from us.

I try not to think about it but I still cannot believe that we do not know your cause of death. The first weeks and months after you died I could not think of anything else. I went over and over in my mind what could have possibly happened. I looked for more information everywhere. I thought if there was some logical explanation perhaps I could understand. No medical explanation has been found. I have tucked away the search for your cause of death. I will never forget or stop wanting answers. I just cannot let myself go there very often. We may never know why your heart just stopped. Even if we did, it would not bring you back. And, that is what I want most of all.

I still hold out hope that one day the study that you are part of at the Mayo Clinic will find something. Anything.

Time is moving forward, as it always does. I am not sure how it is possible but your 3rd birthday will soon be here. I do not want it to be another November 17th without you. I know there is no other option for me. Your birthday will come and go. We will not watch you eat your birthday cake. We will not take pictures of you opening gifts. Or hug you. . .

I will now put away that part of me that cannot stop obsessing about your unknown cause of death. I hope that where ever you are you know how much you are loved and missed.

13 Comments »

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Alyssa sounds like she is destined for great things. I’m sorry his 3rd birthday is approaching and he is not here with you all. Sending love.

Comment by kelcey— November 8, 2012 #

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You and your family are amazing. Hugs to you as you go through this journey.

Comment by Cate— November 9, 2012 #

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I wish more than anything that president Alyssa could fix it all for you. My heart is with you

Comment by Daphne— November 9, 2012 #

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Alyssa for president …. although I am kinda ok with the current rainbow colors but would certainly not be against some rain management. hugs lady – we pray for you all the time over here!! xx

Comment by Susan FB— November 9, 2012 #

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My heart aches everytime I read about your precious Sawyer and Jake. They are so lucky to have you as their mommy. xxoo dena

Comment by cwazytown— November 9, 2012 #

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I am praying for you this week my friend. I am sending you hugs from the middle of the country. I love seeing the pics from the reunion. I hope you enjoyed seeing people who love you dearly. I miss you friend!

Comment by Kristen— November 9, 2012 #

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As if November weren’t a tough enough month as it is… I am thinking of you and just hoping it will not be as bad as you expect. I am thinking of you – all six of you.

Comment by dilovely— November 9, 2012 #

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It has to be so hard to not know. We actually went through the whole process of investigation and even consulted with a lawyer. The whole thing was draining and the answers were hard to process but I think somehow it helped me continue to move forward a bit.

Comment by Jessica (@jessbwatson)— November 11, 2012 #

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i have started a blog and want to know if it is okay to include Jake and Sawyer in it.
http://rememberingmiracles.wordpress.com/

Comment by spreaderofawesomeness— November 13, 2012 #

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- Thank you so much for thinking of Jake and Sawyer. We would be honored to be included in your blog. Thank you again. Take care.
  
  Comment by amourningmom— November 13, 2012 #
  
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  - Okay I will make the post and comment the link within the hour. 🙂 You and your family take care as well. Have a nice night. Oh, and the blog is rememberingmiracles.wordpress.com
    
    Comment by spreaderofawesomeness— November 14, 2012 #
  - Um, sorry that the post isn’t up yet. My internet was down. I forgot to ask, what are Jake’s and Sawyer’s full names?
    
    Comment by spreaderofawesomeness— November 14, 2012 #
Loved this post. Thinking of you all! What colors did Alyssa say she would like to change the rainbow to be?

Comment by Eden— November 15, 2012 #

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A Mourning Mom