A light in the darkness
December 8, 2012 at 9:46 pm | Posted in Grief, Love | 3 CommentsTags: Candle Lighting, child loss, Compassionate Friends, dark days, death of a baby, grief, hope, new not so normal, quotes, ways to honor the memory of your child
The Compassionate Friends is an organization which was formed to support families after a child has died. Its founder, Simon Stephens, states that the mission is “about transforming the pain of grief into the elixir of hope. It takes people out of the isolation society imposes on the bereaved and lets them express their grief naturally. With the shedding of tears, healing comes. And the newly bereaved get to see people who have survived and are learning to live and love again.”
The Compassionate Friends created a worldwide event to unite “family and friends around the globe in lighting candles for one hour to honor and remember children who have died at any age from any cause.” December 9th at 7 pm will mark the 16th Worldwide Candle Lighting.
Doctors & Dreams
December 2, 2012 at 9:48 pm | Posted in after death?, Grief, Love, normal? | 10 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, dark days, death of a baby, new not so normal, perspective, quotes, Sad, Sawyer, unexplainable
Dear Sawyer,
Three years ago we had your 2 week check up with the pediatrician. You did fantastic. You were gaining weight. You were eating. You were sleeping. All seemed to be going well. Was there something that we missed?
The doctor told us that you were perfect. We even scheduled your 2 month check up in January of 2010. As you know, we did not make it to that appointment.
I try not to imagine what you would be like as a 3-year-old. I know that I should just mourn the loss of you as a baby. It only makes it more painful to grieve the losses of all the other stages you sadly never reached. Good night baby boy. I love you. I miss you. As always, I will look for you in my dreams.
Thankful 2012
November 22, 2012 at 7:28 am | Posted in Grief, life lessons, Love, normal? | 8 CommentsTags: child loss, dark days, death of a baby, gratitude, holidays, new not so normal, perspective, quotes
I am forever thankful for the people who supported and continue to support Evan and I through the darkest times in our lives. I have not officially thanked you all but please know that you have our eternal gratitude. Hope that you all have a very happy Thanksgiving!
November 17
November 14, 2012 at 10:38 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss, Love, normal? | 14 CommentsTags: #WorldPrematurityDay, birthday, child loss, death of a baby, Global Week of Action for child survival, new not so normal, quotes, Sawyer
Sawyer,
It is me again. I keep losing track of days. Your 3rd birthday would/should be in 3 days. November 17th is not only your birthday but it is World Prematurity Day. You were not premature but your big brother Jake was 14 weeks early. In fact, you were 8 lbs and 1 oz and perfect. I know that if you were here you would be okay sharing your birthday with Jake’s cause.
This year is also the first Global Week of Action for child survival. The 13th-20th of November this campaign will try to “bring people together across the globe to raise their voices against the unacceptable number of children dying before their fifth birthday from preventable causes”. I do not know if your cause of death was preventable. I am still hoping to know for sure one day. I hope that where ever you are you know your dad and I would have done anything to protect you. I still cannot believe that I could not save you.
I do not know if I cry because I am weak or strong. I do not care either way. I just cry and miss you. Love you always and forever.
Elections & Explanations
November 8, 2012 at 10:22 pm | Posted in after death?, Grief, Love, normal? | 13 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, hope, Mayo Clinic, new not so normal, post traumatic stress disorder, Sawyer, thoughts, unexplainable, unknown
Dear Sawyer,
Your sister has big plans! She would change the colors of the rainbow if she were elected president (just in case you cannot read her handwriting). Hopefully, if she does decide to run for president she will first brush her hair. I will not list all changes I would make. But if I did make a list, the first thing would be to find the cure for whatever took you away from us.
I try not to think about it but I still cannot believe that we do not know your cause of death. The first weeks and months after you died I could not think of anything else. I went over and over in my mind what could have possibly happened. I looked for more information everywhere. I thought if there was some logical explanation perhaps I could understand. No medical explanation has been found. I have tucked away the search for your cause of death. I will never forget or stop wanting answers. I just cannot let myself go there very often. We may never know why your heart just stopped. Even if we did, it would not bring you back. And, that is what I want most of all.
I still hold out hope that one day the study that you are part of at the Mayo Clinic will find something. Anything.
Time is moving forward, as it always does. I am not sure how it is possible but your 3rd birthday will soon be here. I do not want it to be another November 17th without you. I know there is no other option for me. Your birthday will come and go. We will not watch you eat your birthday cake. We will not take pictures of you opening gifts. Or hug you. . .
I will now put away that part of me that cannot stop obsessing about your unknown cause of death. I hope that where ever you are you know how much you are loved and missed.
Life without you
October 26, 2012 at 9:42 pm | Posted in Love, normal? | 4 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, life after loss, new not so normal, quotes, Sad, Sawyer, thoughts, unexplainable
Dear Sawyer,
There are days that I just cannot stop my arms from aching to hold you. Today was one of those days. I think of you and miss you every day. Time is marching on as it always does. Soon it will be November again. Another November without you – just like every day since that awful night.
I carry the book of pictures of you that my thoughtful friends gave me. I hold on to it. It is not the same as holding you but I am so thankful that I have it. I cannot look at it often but I always have it with me. I love you to the moon and back sweet Sawyer. I will look for you in my dreams. Love you always.
Hectic, Hope & Hair
October 20, 2012 at 10:20 pm | Posted in Grief, Love, normal?, twins | 11 CommentsTags: child loss, happy, new not so normal, parenthood, perspective, Sawyer
There always seems to be a lot happening in October. However, this year seems extra crazy busy. For example, yesterday the twins had a fun run at school, a baseball game and a kindergarten social. Busy is good for me. It keeps me moving forward. No time (or at least not too much time) to stop and think about the 3rd birthday party we would be planning if Sawyer were still alive.
It turns out that hectic schedules are not so great for the twins. Getting ready quickly to get to the next event is not either of their strong points. So yesterday when no one would get dressed for baseball. After lots of whining and a small melt down or two, I surrendered. Their team was not going to have to forfeit if the twins were not there. In fact, they do not even keep score. Little people do not have to be busy all the time. Finally, they agreed to get dressed for their school social. And they had a good time.
Until, they didn’t. . .
Today was supposed to be another busy day. A school fall festival and a hair cut. I again did not fight the twins when they refused to get dressed to go to their fall festival. They played pretend. I braced myself for the fight I thought I would have with them in order to get them dressed to go out for their hair cuts.
Evan and I were pleasantly surprised when 2 little people got dressed and into the car without a melt down. The twins were excited for this hair cut. I had donated my hair last year and unintentionally inspired our daughter to grow her hair. Here is her hair before:
Here is the hair pull that did not hurt (or put anyone in time out):
And, the after picture:
A Walk to Remember
October 14, 2012 at 10:32 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss, Love, normal? | 9 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, grief, Jake, miscarriage, new not so normal, October 15, Sawyer, twins, Walk to Remember
Every day 13 babies will be lost to SIDS and other sudden, unexpected infant deaths.
One horrible day in December 2009 our baby, Sawyer, was one of those 13. We remember Jake and Sawyer every day but today Evan and I participated in our 7th Walk to Remember.
The first year it was just the two of us. Jake had died a few months before the walk. Evan and I could barely talk about our child’s death let alone listen to the other sad stories parents were sharing about their losses.
Today we had the twins with us and we were there for Jake and Sawyer.
I can now talk about Jake and Sawyer. I listen to others as they tell about their sons and daughters. I still wish none of us had to live in a world without our child/children.
Tomorrow is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. As part of the day, everyone is invited to light a candle at 7 pm in all time zones, all over the world. The idea is that if everyone lights a candle at 7 pm and keeps is burning for at least 1 hour, there will be a continuous wave of light.
Better
October 8, 2012 at 11:50 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons, Love, normal? | 9 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, grandparents, gratitude, hospice, Jake, life after loss, Sawyer
I have written before how I am so very lucky for my grandfather. I know that he will not live forever. It was never the plan for him to outlive me. I know that is not what he would want. It defies the circle of life that Evan and I have outlived 2 of our children. Jake and Sawyer were supposed to bury us.
My grandfather is now in hospice. Although life is going in the natural order – it is still hard. I do not want to see my grandfather in pain. I want to make it easier. I do not know what to do except what I have always done – love him unconditionally. And, appreciate how much better the world and my life is because of him.
Our Giving Tree
September 18, 2012 at 10:18 pm | Posted in after death?, Grief, Love, normal? | 9 CommentsTags: motherhood, new not so normal, parenthood, ways to honor the memory of your child
The winter after Jake died one of my favorite friend’s mother had a tree planted at a local park in his memory.
Sadly, my friend’s mom died the next year. I had a tree planted next to Jake’s tree in her memory. The two trees were planted near a small pond. In 2009, it rained so much that her tree did not make it. I was in the process of trying to relocate both trees away from the water when Sawyer was born. And then before I knew it he had died.
So I bought 2 trees. A tree to replace my friend’s mom’s tree. And, a tree in memory of Sawyer. All 3 trees are now away from the pond and at the edge of a playground. The first summer after Sawyer died it was really hot. I would go by as often as I could to water the trees. It made me feel like I could take care of something for Sawyer and Jake. All 3 trees made it through the summer but Sawyer’s always seems to be struggling.
I took the twins to the playground last week. I always check on the trees when we are there. The twins often help me.
As Sawyer’s sister “helped” with the tree she happened to pull off a small branch. She asked if she could bring it home to take care of it. I responded, “sure, why not.” When we got home it was bath time. She asked if she could take the branch into the bathtub and wash it. Once again I answered, “sure, why not.”
After the bath she wanted to make pajamas and a blanket for the branch. And, she did.
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A Mourning Mom 