Control & Clean Clothes
September 26, 2013 at 9:53 am | Posted in life lessons, Love, normal?, venting | 6 CommentsTags: child loss, dark days, Jake, life after loss, new not so normal, perspective, Sawyer, thoughts
I wish life could be a bit more like laundry. You put the dirty clothes in the washing machine, add detergent and wait. After the clothes are clean put them into the dryer. Wait. Fold.
Okay, it is not always so seamless. I have turned a few white loads pink. I will also confess that I have washed more than one diaper. It is pretty messy. However, after shaking out the clothes and repeating the wash and dry cycles everything was once again clean.
Before 2005 there were plenty of situations out of my control but Jake’s diagnosis put them all into perspective for me. I did what I thought were the right steps. I gave birth to Jake at 26 weeks anyway. He lived for 2 weeks but I could not do a thing to prevent his death.
At the time I thought that I could protect any potential future children if they were not premature. I could be in control if I could just keep them out of the NICU. Sawyer’s death let me know loud and clear that I was wrong about that too.
Lately, life seems more out of control than I would like. I just need to realize that is all part of life and hold on.
I think I will go switch the laundry into the dryer.
Odd but NOT Ok
September 12, 2013 at 2:26 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, life after loss, Love, Sawyer, venting | 12 CommentsTags: baby loss, cemetery, child loss, death of a baby, grief, missing bolts, new not so normal, unexplainable
Dream
I am drawn quietly to his grave to check on him,
Just as I’d have been drawn quietly to his crib.
I trim the grass around his marker,
And dream of trimming bangs from his forehead.
I place flowers in his vase,
And dream of placing kisses on his cheek.
I hold his memory dear to my heart,
And dream of holding him in my arms.
Author unknown
I no longer have any way to physically take care of Jake or Sawyer. The best I can do is going to the cemetery and checking on their shared plot. I know that frequenting a cemetery does not work for some but it is something that I need to do.
Over the last month both Jake and Sawyer’s nameplates have been slightly shifting. I thought maybe the bolts were loose. I shift them back and feel better. Until yesterday.
I could not even shift the plates back. And, where are the bolts?! I do not understand.
I called the cemetery office and immediately broke down into tears trying to explain to the receptionist what I was calling about. Who calls about missing bolts from not just 1 but 2 of their sons’ headstones?! She finally understood me and agreed to send out a maintenance person.
No one can explain what happened to the bolts that should be securing the nameplates to the granite. However, they are both repaired for the moment. We are going to wait and watch to see what happens. I am so not okay with this.
Atlanta Walk to Remember
September 8, 2013 at 10:48 pm | Posted in Jake, life lessons, Love, Sawyer | 5 CommentsTags: Atlanta Walk to Remember, child loss, death of a baby, miscarriage, new not so normal, ways to honor the memory of your child
“A wife who loses a husband is called a widow. A husband who loses a wife is called a widower. A child who loses his/her parents is called an orphan. But there is no word for a parent who loses a child, that’s how awful the loss is!” Jay Neugeboren
Losing a child is one of the most devastating and lonely events which can happen to a human being. I wish that none of us lived in a world without our child/children. However, the reality is that parents from every religion, class and country have outlived their children.
Every year since Jake (and then Sawyer) died we have walked in the Atlanta Walk to Remember. It is an event to connect parents and families together to express grief and remember our babies, and to raise awareness. It is not a fundraiser.
It is just a time to remember our lost babies together.
This year the walk will be held on October 6th. For more information and/or to register for the walk click the following link:
So glad to see you September
September 2, 2013 at 10:56 pm | Posted in after death?, Grief, Jake, life after loss | 8 CommentsTags: birthday, centenarians, child loss, dark days, death, Grandfather, gratitude, Jake, new not so normal, twins
August is over and Evan came up with a brilliant plan to get through the last few days of it. The last week of August includes Jake’s deathiversary, my birthday and my grandfather’s (there are a few family wedding anniversaries in there too).
Evan planned a trip and we went away. My parents were able to join us. We usually do go away Labor Day weekend to see my grandfather for his birthday. Our whole family for many Labor Day weekends has come together to celebrate his birthday. I know that I am so lucky to have spent so many birthdays with my amazing grandfather. However, this year there was no trip to see him to look forward to, so I had to find other ways to distract myself.
Evan’s plan worked like a charm and these 2 helped as well. . .
When the Walls Come Tumbling Down
August 26, 2013 at 6:14 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, life after loss, Love | 4 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, Elisabeth Kübler Ross', Jake, new not so normal, old house, perspective, post traumatic stress disorder, premature birth
As I wrote about here, the house where I was pregnant with Jake was sold a few months ago. We had a room for Jake in that house but he never came home to it. There was a time after Jake died that I had such anger towards that room. I wanted to renovate it, destroy it or at least move far, far away from it.
My anger was not rational but it seemed very real to me at the time. Along with denial, bargaining, depression and acceptance; anger is one of Elisabeth Kübler Ross’ 5 stages of grief. I guess I did not have any one to be angry with so why not get mad at a room painted baby blue? So, when we sold that house we knew that it would most likely be torn down. The other day, it looked like this:
The next day when I drove by, all that was left was this:
It is just Jake’s room.
Now the whole house is gone, but Jake will never be forgotten. We love you Jake.
Jake
August 14, 2013 at 12:14 am | Posted in Grief, Jake, life lessons, Love | 13 CommentsTags: baby loss, birthday, child loss, death of a baby, Jake, life after loss, new not so normal, parenthood, premature birth, thoughts
Dear Jake,
Today you would/should have been 8. You are not. I am still so very thankful that I got to meet you. I just wish we could have kept you for longer. Below are the words that your dad wrote to you 8 years ago. They are just as true today.
We love you Jake.
You are our sunshine.
You are such a courageous and strong fighter, and we are so proud of you.
Jake, you are a miracle, and we thank you for choosing us to be your parents.
You are so wise for someone so young and so small. You knew when you had to come into this world Jake, and you knew when you had to leave us to be in a better place.
You are and were the perfect son for us.
Jake, please know that we felt all the love you gave to us during your time here.
We are sad that we could only spend such a short time with you, but we are so glad and thankful for every minute of it.
It is amazing how we could come to love you so immediately and so completely even though we were just getting to know each other.
Then again, we feel like we have known you all of our lives, and you will be in our hearts forever and beyond.
Jake, we also know that you are at peace and that you are being watched over by all of our loved ones who also watch over all of us from above.
Thank you, Jake.
Thank you for coming to us.
Thank you for choosing us.
Thank you for loving us and letting us love you with all of our hearts.
We’ll see you every night playing up with the moon and the stars.
I miss you every. single. day. Some days are harder than others. I love you.
Back to School Blur
August 8, 2013 at 9:18 pm | Posted in Jake, Love, Sawyer, twins | 9 CommentsTags: 1st grade, after death?, back to school, child loss, death of a baby, life after loss, love, new not so normal, parenthood, perspective, reality, thoughts, time
It just does not seem that long ago that I could fit both the twins in a laundry basket. How is it possible that they are now in 1st grade! ? Time is so tricky and now these 2 would never fit in a laundry basket:
It is what is supposed to happen, they should grow up. I know all too well that it is a parent’s worst nightmare when their child/children are no longer growing. As I wrote here, I am still trying not to “grow” up Jake and Sawyer in my mind. I know that there is no point of grieving over every stage and milestone that they will never reach. Some days it works better than others.
August, Already?
August 6, 2013 at 8:42 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, Love, Sawyer | 5 CommentsTags: 1st grade, back to school, child loss, death of a baby, gratitude, grief, life after loss, new not so normal, perspective, thoughts
It is August again. This month is filled with happy days and harder days. Lots of family birthdays and anniversaries are in August as well as Jake’s birth and death days. This year there will be one less happy day. I had always looked forward to my grandfather‘s birthday at the end of the month. I knew he would not live forever but I still miss him.
I will take August like I do every day – day by day. I have made it through many Augusts without Jake and I will make it through this one as well.
“You don’t get over it, you just get through it. You don’t get by it, because you can’t get around it. It doesn’t ‘get better’; it just gets different. Everyday… Grief puts on a new face….”
― Wendy Feireisen
This year is also filled with getting ready to go back to school. The twins start 1st grade this week! We already had the Open House to meet their teachers. I did not even (outwardly) flinch when another parent asked if we had already been to the upper campus with our older child. I did not choke back tears when she said, “Oh, that is right you do not have older children.” I bit my lip and did not say a thing although she is one of the few parents at the twins’ elementary school who know that Jake (and Sawyer) ever existed.
“They’d crossed over to that continent where grieving parents lived. It looked the same as the rest of the world, but wasn’t. Colors bled pale. Music was just notes. Books no longer transported or comforted, not fully. Never again. Food was nutrition, little more. Breaths were sighs. And they knew something the rest didn’t. They knew how lucky the rest of the world was.”
― Louise Penny
I know that I am lucky too. I am lucky to be Jake, the twins and Sawyer’s mom.
The King & Queen of July’s Birthday (with a side of bittersweet)
July 30, 2013 at 10:08 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, normal?, twins | 4 CommentsTags: baby loss, bittersweet, child loss, death of a baby, gratitude, happy birthday, Jewish customs, King and Queen of July, life after loss, new not so normal, parenthood, perspective, twins, yahrzeit
A few years ago (not long after they learned to speak) the twins announced that they are the King and Queen of July. It is after all, their birthday month and we (me and Evan) should never forget to plan accordingly. The twins did have a fun birthday. I can not say that they were overjoyed the whole month. I distinctly remember being told I was “making it the worst July ever” on a few occasions after I asked them to clean up their toys, brush their teeth or take a bath. . .
I am forever grateful for our amazing twins. I am so lucky that I am their mom and getting the chance to raise them. Happy, happy birthday to the King and Queen of July!
The bittersweet part of the twins’ birthday was that this year Jake’s yahrzeit fell on the same day. A Yahrzeit is the Hebrew date of the deceased relative’s death according to the Jewish calendar as opposed to the secular calendar. We lit a Yahrzeit candle. We said the mourner’s kaddish. I tried my best not to think about the almost 8-year-old big brother who should have been running around the birthday party. I am so very lucky to be Jake’s mom too.
Hearts
July 26, 2013 at 9:56 am | Posted in Grief, normal?, Sawyer, twins | 6 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, hope, life after loss, new not so normal, unexplainable
This week the twins had their check up with the pediatric cardiologist. They were both rock stars during the EKG. They both have innocent heart murmurs but otherwise, everything is fine. Their hearts are normal. We will continue regular activity and come back for our next check up.
These are the results that I want to hear. I want both the twins to be healthy and happy. I try so hard to stifle voice that wants to scream, “But, Sawyer was healthy and happy too, until he wasn’t and then he was dead!!” I know that I cannot wrap the twins up in bubble wrap.
The fact that we still do not know why Sawyer died is something I do not let myself think about very often. I have to tuck it away so that it does not consume me. However, during the twin’s cardiologist appointment we need to talk about it. The doctor asked me if there were any updates from the Mayo clinic. No, no updates. We still know that Sawyer had a coarctation of his aorta but it was not narrow enough to cause his death.
I know that there is a very good chance that we will never know the cause of Sawyer’s death. I have accepted this fact but I still do not like it at all.
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