Just Jake

August 14, 2011 at 4:34 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, hospital, mourning, parents, silver lining | 21 Comments
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Dear Jake,
I cannot believe that you would have been 6 years old today.  In some ways it seems like so long ago since I held you and in some ways it feels like last week.  I have so much to thank you for and I do not think I have ever told you.

First, I would like to thank you for choosing us to be your parents.   I remember running downstairs after taking the pregnancy test and seeing the positive result.  I could not wait to tell your dad.  I was completely filled with joy.  I have not been truly happy since that day.  Do not take this the wrong way, I have been happy.  It is just a different kind of happy and it is often bittersweet.  That wonderful March day I was just so blissfully unaware of the tragedies that life could and would bring.

Second, you made me understand how short and precious life really is.  You showed me in your brief time with me how pure and simple love can be.

Lastly (at least for now), I want to thank you for the strength you have given me.  It is difficult for me to explain but the night your youngest brother Sawyer died you are who was with me.  In the emergency room, you are the one who held me up in the hallway.  I am sure without you I would not have been able to stand let alone walk.  I kept telling myself if I could live in a world without you, I could and would somehow find a way to live without Sawyer.

I wish that we were having a birthday party with you today.  We are not.  Perhaps you are having a cosmic celebration with your little brother, your Mom Mom and your great-grandmother.   Whatever you are doing please know how much I love and miss you.


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  1. Jake may have taught you some important lessons, but you have shared those and more with your friends and family. Thank you for that.

  2. Thank you for sharing the lessons your beautiful boy taught you. Yes, I do believe it was Jake holding you up. Sometimes the smallest people teach the grownups the biggest lessons.

    Happy Birthday Jake. You will forever be our hearts, minds and lives because of your strong mom.


  3. My thoughts are with you. This is a beautiful note to your beautiful first born.

  4. Lanie, Happy Birthday dear Jake. Thinking of you today, and of your firstborn child. Love, Amy

  5. My thoughts and prayers are with you my dear friend. You are truly an incredible woman.

  6. My heart goes out to you on this day and everyday, Lanie. Thank you for sharing this very personal letter with all of us. You inspire me each day and give me strength, too!

  7. Beautiful post lanie. I’ve been thinking of you all day. xo

  8. Happy Birthday Jake!

  9. I came across your blog today while searching for a poem or quote for my friend whose baby was born and died on the very same day. She’s devastated and also noticing moments of gratitude for Jonah’s short life with her and what he was here to teach her. So, I wanted to say – thank you for sharing some of your life story here – you never know when someone will wonder by the blog-isphere to see your powerful words.

    • Thank you for reading and for being such a good friend (Jonah’s mom is lucky to have you in her life). Take care.

  10. Happy Birthday Jake. xoxo

  11. You are so brave. Those babies are so lucky to have a mother like you who honors their memory even through her own pain. I, too, lost a premature son in his infancy. It will never make sense. Children should not leave their parents first. I am so sorry for your loss.

  12. Thank you – I do not always feel so brave. I am sorry for your loss and I could not agree with you more that children should never die before their parents. Thank you again. Take care.

  13. […] you Samantha Murphy for remembering Jake and Sawyer.  Samantha recently started a writing, Remembering Miracles.  She writes to […]

  14. […] facts that I have had to accept are out of my control.  At the top of the list are the facts that Jake and Sawyer are […]

  15. […] Jake is in between Baby and Sawyer […]

  16. […] When Jake died the hospital gave us a packet of information to take home.  I remember trying to read it through my tears and being unable to make out most of the words.  When I got to the page on “Ways to Honor Your Child” I got a tissue, wiped my eyes and read.  One of the ways was to name a star.  Before I knew it I was on the phone buying a star for Jake: […]

  17. […] grade.  I try to enjoy the moments with the twins.  Moments I know that I will never have with Jake or Sawyer.  The Mother’s Day teas, the musical performances, the recitals, field days and the […]

  18. […] While helping with the special project of updating the consult room I heard that the balcony might need some new benches.  It seemed to make sense to me that for Jake’s 10th birthday we should get the benches for the balcony.  So that is what we did.  We miss you Jake. […]

  19. […] every day I miss Jake and Sawyer but tomorrow at 7 pm we will light candles.  This year I will once again hope that […]

  20. […] is my reality – I will never be able to bring Sawyer and Jake back to life.  I will never hold Sawyer […]

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