The Happy and The Sad

August 26, 2014 at 8:14 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, life after loss, Love | 10 Comments
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The happy and the sad are so closely entwined during the month of August that I have whiplash.  Jake’s birthday, my parent’s 50th wedding anniversary!!, more yahrzeits, more birthdays and tomorrow will be Jake’s death day.  I know there are only so many days in a year so birthdays and anniversaries have to overlap at times but August for me has overwhelming extremes.

At 6:14 am tomorrow, it will be 9 years since we last held Jake.  The day after will be the anniversary of his funeral.  And all the days after that will continue to be bittersweet but maybe one day we will hold sweet Jake again.

Family Picture - August 27, 2005

Family Picture – August 27, 2005


The King & Queen of July’s Birthday (with a side of bittersweet)

July 30, 2013 at 10:08 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, normal?, twins | 4 Comments
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A few years ago (not long after they learned to speak) the twins announced that they are the King and Queen of July.  It is after all, their birthday month and we (me and Evan) should never forget to plan accordingly.  The twins did have a fun birthday.  I can not say that they were overjoyed the whole month.  I distinctly remember being told I was “making it the worst July ever” on a few occasions after I asked them to clean up their toys, brush their teeth or take a bath. . .

I am forever grateful for our amazing twins.  I am so lucky that I am their mom and getting the chance to raise them.  Happy, happy birthday to the King and Queen of July!

The bittersweet part of the twins’ birthday was that this year Jake’s yahrzeit fell on the same day.  A Yahrzeit is the Hebrew date of the deceased relative’s death according to the Jewish calendar as opposed to the secular calendar.  We lit a Yahrzeit candle.  We said the mourner’s kaddish.  I tried my best not to think about the almost 8-year-old big brother who should have been running around the birthday party.  I am so very lucky to be Jake’s mom too.

The Triathlon

May 6, 2012 at 10:30 pm | Posted in Grief | 25 Comments
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This weekend I swam, biked and ran. My only real goal was to finish in one piece and hopefully have some fun along the way. As I raced I realized that grief (or my experiences with it so far) is a lot like a triathlon.

Getting into the cool water is shocking and sudden. Keep moving – no matter what chaos or fogginess has set in, the only solution is forward motion.

“There is nothing left we can do for Jake.”
“Baby is not breathing.”

Next, there is bawling and bargaining. After the shock wears off a bit there are lots and lots of tears.

I would have traded places with Jake and Sawyer if it was humanly possible. I stared at the hospital walls and pleaded that it was me not them.

There are downhills and some coasting but there is always a hill up ahead. Shifting gears helps at times but not always.

Lastly, reality sets in but it is not the same reality as before – the shock has turned to sadness and the bawling has become bittersweetness. The bargaining is done.

My goal is still the same, to finish in one piece and hopefully have some fun along the way.

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