A Walk to Remember
October 14, 2012 at 10:32 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss, Love, normal? | 9 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, grief, Jake, miscarriage, new not so normal, October 15, Sawyer, twins, Walk to Remember
Every day 13 babies will be lost to SIDS and other sudden, unexpected infant deaths.
One horrible day in December 2009 our baby, Sawyer, was one of those 13. We remember Jake and Sawyer every day but today Evan and I participated in our 7th Walk to Remember.
The first year it was just the two of us. Jake had died a few months before the walk. Evan and I could barely talk about our child’s death let alone listen to the other sad stories parents were sharing about their losses.
Today we had the twins with us and we were there for Jake and Sawyer.
I can now talk about Jake and Sawyer. I listen to others as they tell about their sons and daughters. I still wish none of us had to live in a world without our child/children.
Tomorrow is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. As part of the day, everyone is invited to light a candle at 7 pm in all time zones, all over the world. The idea is that if everyone lights a candle at 7 pm and keeps is burning for at least 1 hour, there will be a continuous wave of light.
Better
October 8, 2012 at 11:50 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons, Love, normal? | 9 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, grandparents, gratitude, hospice, Jake, life after loss, Sawyer
I have written before how I am so very lucky for my grandfather. I know that he will not live forever. It was never the plan for him to outlive me. I know that is not what he would want. It defies the circle of life that Evan and I have outlived 2 of our children. Jake and Sawyer were supposed to bury us.
My grandfather is now in hospice. Although life is going in the natural order – it is still hard. I do not want to see my grandfather in pain. I want to make it easier. I do not know what to do except what I have always done – love him unconditionally. And, appreciate how much better the world and my life is because of him.
The Balancing Act
October 4, 2012 at 11:14 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons, normal?, venting | 5 CommentsTags: dark days, death of a baby, Jake, new not so normal, perspective, quotes, Sawyer, unexplainable
Areas of my life which I wish I could find a balance:
1. Answering the question, “how many children do you have?”
The twins started a new school this year. There are new teachers. New parents.
The twins started preschool the week after Sawyer died. We did not plan it that way but it is the way it worked out. It was a small preschool. I had already answered the questions. I had cried the tears in the parking lot.
Sawyer has been gone over 2 years so I can usually answer the question without the tears. The balance I am trying to find is answering the question without the pity that always seem to come along with it. It is hard to explain but I do not want people to feel sorry for us. I just want to be able to answer the question and talk about Jake and Sawyer.
2. “Being so busy I cannot think” coping technique
In 2005, Jake had died. I was still alive and forced to figure out how to live in a world without him. I searched and searched for steps to follow. A guide. Anything to help me get through the excruciatingly painful moments. I realized that being busy was the way to go. I desperately filled every possible moment.
In 2009 after Sawyer died I continued to utilize my “being so busy I cannot think” coping technique. I am at a point where I need to rethink just how busy I keep myself.
I do not know how to find the balance. There might not be a balance. Or, maybe there is and I will find it one day. Till then I will try to take Dr. Seuss’ advice and “step with care and great tact.”
Home is where the heart is. . .
September 30, 2012 at 11:02 pm | Posted in after death?, Cemetery, Grief, normal? | 7 CommentsTags: child loss, dark days, death of a baby, Jake, new not so normal, parenthood, Sawyer, thoughts, twins, unexplainable
I think that is how the saying goes. . .but what if your heart has been smashed into a thousand pieces? Where is your home then? I want my home to include all of my children. Jake never left the hospital. Sawyer did live in our home but not for long enough.
Our next door neighbors are selling their house. There has been a lot of talk about what people want in a house. A garage. A basement. X number of bedrooms and bathrooms. The top of my list is actually none of those options. My biggest concern is how far the house is from the cemetery where Jake and Sawyer are buried. We currently live 15 minutes away.
I was speaking to another mom at baseball practice and she mentioned that her neighborhood is at the edge of the cemetery. My mind filled with thoughts of what it would be like to be able to walk over to see Jake and Sawyer. Would I go more often? Would I ever go anywhere without going to the cemetery first? It is so hard to drive by it and not stop.
Today we went and picked out 4 mini pumpkins. One for each of the twins. One for Jake. One for Sawyer. I was thinking that I would bring them to the cemetery as I have done in past years. The twins had another idea. They insisted on bringing the pumpkins to Jake and Sawyer’s room. Jake never had a room in our current house. He was born and died 2 years before we moved into our house. Sawyer did have a room. It was the room next to the twins’ room. And, that is where they brought the 2 mini pumpkins.
Anger
September 24, 2012 at 10:46 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons, normal?, twins | 7 CommentsTags: anger, child loss, death of a baby, Down syndrome, grandparents, Jake, motherhood, new not so normal, thoughts, trisomy 21
As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world — that is the myth of the atomic age — as in being able to remake ourselves. – Gandhi
Anger. It is the 2nd stage of grief according to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. At the time of Jake’s and Sawyer’s deaths I do not specifically remember feeling anger. Perhaps there was no room for anger because the stages of denial, bargaining and depression seemed to have trapped me. However, anger creeps into my life at unexpected times.
I was waiting in line with one of the twins so that she could sit in a fire truck. We were patiently waiting our turn.
We were in line behind a very cute girl with Down syndrome. She was not so sure about climbing up the stairs of the fire truck. The fireman offered to help her but she wanted to do it herself.
I asked the woman with the girl in front of us in line how old she was. She responded, “She is my daughter’s girl and she is 8.” I wanted to say something back to her like “You mean she is your granddaughter?” I remained silent. Jake would have been 7. Would he have liked fire trucks?
My little girl began to ask repeatedly, “When is it my turn?” My silence broke to reassure her that, “It is your turn next.”
The woman with the girl, looked at my daughter who at this point was jumping up and down as she continued to whine about her turn, pointed towards her granddaughter and said “This will really teach you patience.” And there it was – anger. I was angry at this grandmother. I have not walked in her shoes. I do not know the first thing about her life but I was angry. The voice inside my head wanted to explain to her that I too had a Down syndrome child but he died. He died before I got the chance to learn that level of patience. I once again remained silent.
Our Giving Tree
September 18, 2012 at 10:18 pm | Posted in after death?, Grief, Love, normal? | 9 CommentsTags: motherhood, new not so normal, parenthood, ways to honor the memory of your child
The winter after Jake died one of my favorite friend’s mother had a tree planted at a local park in his memory.
Sadly, my friend’s mom died the next year. I had a tree planted next to Jake’s tree in her memory. The two trees were planted near a small pond. In 2009, it rained so much that her tree did not make it. I was in the process of trying to relocate both trees away from the water when Sawyer was born. And then before I knew it he had died.
So I bought 2 trees. A tree to replace my friend’s mom’s tree. And, a tree in memory of Sawyer. All 3 trees are now away from the pond and at the edge of a playground. The first summer after Sawyer died it was really hot. I would go by as often as I could to water the trees. It made me feel like I could take care of something for Sawyer and Jake. All 3 trees made it through the summer but Sawyer’s always seems to be struggling.
I took the twins to the playground last week. I always check on the trees when we are there. The twins often help me.
As Sawyer’s sister “helped” with the tree she happened to pull off a small branch. She asked if she could bring it home to take care of it. I responded, “sure, why not.” When we got home it was bath time. She asked if she could take the branch into the bathtub and wash it. Once again I answered, “sure, why not.”
After the bath she wanted to make pajamas and a blanket for the branch. And, she did.
Boys (& Girls) of Summer
September 10, 2012 at 12:04 am | Posted in after death?, Grief, life after loss, normal? | 6 CommentsTags: baseball, death of a baby, fathers, Jake, life after loss, lucky, new not so normal, thoughts, trisomy 21, twins
When Evan and I were told it was 100% certain that Jake had trisomy 21 (Down Syndrome), 1 million thoughts raced through my mind. I doubt I can adequately articulate my exact thoughts and feelings at that moment. However, when we were “by accident” told that Jake was a boy I remember very clearly the precise thought which entered my mind first. The realization that Evan might not be able to play little league with our son was the thought which resonated first (and loudest) in my brain.
Jake was born 14 weeks early and only lived for 14 days. He did not ever leave the NICU. He never played little league. His little brother and little sister did join a team this year. They played in their first little league game over the weekend.
The team shirts were randomly given out right before the game. I have always thought that Jake’s lucky number was 14. So, maybe just maybe he was there today too.
Letter to the Twins’ Kindergarten Teachers
September 4, 2012 at 10:10 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love, normal?, twins | 11 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, family, Jake, life after loss, new not so normal, Sawyer, thoughts, twins, unexplainable
Dear Ms. B. and Ms. K.,
We have been having a great year so far. The twins love being in your classes. We completed the Family Tree homework assignment which was due today. I thought I should clarify about a few of the leaves. The ones which I am specifically referring to are the following:
I honestly do not know what the twins will say about these leaves when it is their turn to present. They may say something like “Jake and Sawyer are flowers.” Or, they could tell the class how they bring stones to Jake and Sawyer. It is also possible they could tell the class which Halloween costumes they have picked out for Jake and Sawyer.
Jake was their older brother. He died before the twins were born. Sawyer was their younger brother. He died when the twins were 2 1/2 years old. I do not know if they have any real memories of Sawyer.
The twins will not cry as they excitedly tell you and the rest of their class about their brothers. They will happily talk and talk about them both. They will smile as they explain to you how much they wish Jake and Sawyer would grow.
If you have any questions please feel free to let me know (I will try my best but I can not promise that I will not cry).
Thanks again,
The Twins’, Jake’s and Sawyer’s Mom
Family Portrait
August 28, 2012 at 9:58 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love, normal?, twins | 14 CommentsTags: baby loss, family, Jake, life after loss, miscarriage, new not so normal, Sawyer, thoughts, twins, unexplainable
Here is our family. One of the twins pulled out her markers after school and this is what she created for me. In case you are not sure who is pictured here I will explain:
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I am on the left side and look as if I have never seen a brush in my life. However, I do have a nice purple bow in my hair.
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Evan is way on the right. He is very tall. And thin. He could also use a good hair brushing.
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In the middle are the twins. She is in pink. He is in blue.
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Also in the middle, and above the twins are our dogs, Buddy and Baby. They usually have their paws planted on the floor.
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At the very bottom of the page are our fish, Fred and Rose. Fred was recently renamed Lightening Flash Fred.
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Which brings us to the circles in the middle. . .The larger of the circles is Jake. The next largest circle is Sawyer. The smallest is for the baby . I did not realize they even knew that I was pregnant. I was wrong.
It is complicated
August 8, 2012 at 9:26 pm | Posted in after death?, Grief, life after loss, Love, normal? | 10 CommentsTags: child loss, death, grief, hope, Jake, quotes, Sawyer, twins
It is complicated to explain. Or maybe it is not. The twins are doing and will continue to do things that Jake and Sawyer never did and never will. This is a fact. A bittersweet part of our lives.
There will be no first days and no last days. And nothing in between. Sometimes I play the pointless “What if” game. What if there were more time with Jake and with Sawyer?
I just read True Compass: A Memoir by Ted Kennedy. He included a letter his father Joseph Kennedy Sr. wrote to a friend whose son had just died:
Dear Jack,
There are no words to dispel your feelings at this time, and there is no time that will ever dispel them. Nor is it any easier the second time than it was the first.And yet I cannot share your grief, because no one could share mine. When one of your children goes out of your life, you think of what he might have done with a few more years and you wonder what you are going to do with the rest of yours.
You never really accept it; you just go through the motions. Then one day, because there is a world to be lived in, you find yourself a part of it again, trying to accomplish something–something that he did not have time enough to do. And, perhaps, that is the reason for it all. I hope so.
Sincerely, Joe
I hope so too.
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