Stuff
January 16, 2013 at 9:16 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, life after loss, normal? | 6 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, grandparents, grief, Jake, life after loss, new not so normal, Sawyer
Very often “get rid of clutter” is at the top of my to do list. Okay, sometimes I put it at the top of Evan’s to do list. I am overwhelmed by the piles of paper, toys, laundry, and stuff in general which seems to fill up the world. However, there is some clutter that I just cannot part with. The hospital bracelets from Jake’s tiny ankles, the smallest “sunglasses” which covered his sensitive eyes, every little thing that touched his body came home with us.
Sawyer had a lot more stuff. Right after he died we packed up, donated or got rid of most of the things he never wore or used. The things he did wear and use stayed on a shelf. Year after year Sawyer’s stuff did not move. Except for the sock.
I recently went on a business trip and when I got home Sawyer’s stuff was not on the shelf. I backed out of the room and went in again. It was still not there. I yelled for Evan. He calmly explained that he moved it. Just like that. He moved it to the same place where Jake’s stuff is kept.
Logically, I know that it is all just stuff but these are the only things that we will ever have that were Jake’s and Sawyer’s. I thought about these things as I threw out garbage bag after garbage bag of stuff as I helped to clean out my grandfather’s home. Why did I find it so easy, even therapeutic, to throw away his things?
I decided that my lifetime of memories with my grandfather made all the material things not necessary. I do not need stuff to remember him.
On the other hand, I had such a short time with Jake and Sawyer. There are not so many memories or stories to tell. So, I will hold onto the stuff that I can.
November 17
November 14, 2012 at 10:38 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss, Love, normal? | 14 CommentsTags: #WorldPrematurityDay, birthday, child loss, death of a baby, Global Week of Action for child survival, new not so normal, quotes, Sawyer
Sawyer,
It is me again. I keep losing track of days. Your 3rd birthday would/should be in 3 days. November 17th is not only your birthday but it is World Prematurity Day. You were not premature but your big brother Jake was 14 weeks early. In fact, you were 8 lbs and 1 oz and perfect. I know that if you were here you would be okay sharing your birthday with Jake’s cause.
This year is also the first Global Week of Action for child survival. The 13th-20th of November this campaign will try to “bring people together across the globe to raise their voices against the unacceptable number of children dying before their fifth birthday from preventable causes”. I do not know if your cause of death was preventable. I am still hoping to know for sure one day. I hope that where ever you are you know your dad and I would have done anything to protect you. I still cannot believe that I could not save you.
I do not know if I cry because I am weak or strong. I do not care either way. I just cry and miss you. Love you always and forever.
Lost Girl?
November 2, 2012 at 10:22 pm | Posted in after death?, Grief, life after loss, normal? | 5 CommentsTags: child loss, dark days, death of a baby, Jake, new not so normal, post traumatic stress disorder, Sawyer, thoughts, twins, unexplainable
In my younger (pre-children days) I loved to travel. My parents took my brother and me on all kinds of exciting adventures. I was an exchange student in Finland for a summer. I spent a semester in Madrid. My first jobs at times required extensive travel. I was always happy to explore a new city.
In August of 2005, I held Jake,our first son, as he took his last breaths and a part of me died with him. My love for travel was buried with Jake. I could no longer be alone in my house let alone a hotel room in a far away city. Even driving alone in my car was excruciatingly painful for me.
The twins’ birth brought me happiness that I did not think I could/would ever experience again. However, that part of me that died with Jake was still gone. Travel now seemed out of the question. I did not want to let the twins out of my sight. I was no longer alone in the house or the car.
When Sawyer died so unexpectedly my ability to be alone vanished again. The 3 hours twice a week when the twins were in preschool seemed like an eternity to me. For awhile I could not even shower unless other people were in the house.
I do not think I will ever be the person that I was before Jake and Sawyer died. At times I do wonder if that person who loved to travel and see the world is still out there somewhere. . .
A Walk to Remember
October 14, 2012 at 10:32 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss, Love, normal? | 9 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, grief, Jake, miscarriage, new not so normal, October 15, Sawyer, twins, Walk to Remember
Every day 13 babies will be lost to SIDS and other sudden, unexpected infant deaths.
One horrible day in December 2009 our baby, Sawyer, was one of those 13. We remember Jake and Sawyer every day but today Evan and I participated in our 7th Walk to Remember.
The first year it was just the two of us. Jake had died a few months before the walk. Evan and I could barely talk about our child’s death let alone listen to the other sad stories parents were sharing about their losses.
Today we had the twins with us and we were there for Jake and Sawyer.
I can now talk about Jake and Sawyer. I listen to others as they tell about their sons and daughters. I still wish none of us had to live in a world without our child/children.
Tomorrow is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. As part of the day, everyone is invited to light a candle at 7 pm in all time zones, all over the world. The idea is that if everyone lights a candle at 7 pm and keeps is burning for at least 1 hour, there will be a continuous wave of light.
Anniversaries (repost)
September 12, 2012 at 12:12 am | Posted in Anniversaries, Grief, life after loss, mourning | 2 CommentsTags: child loss, life after loss, new not so normal, thoughts, tragedy
The tragedy of 9/11 and its’ anniversary are kinds of grief. It is of course, an enormous source of grief for all of the families and friends who lost loved ones. It is also the kind of grief in which you realize that the world as you knew it will not ever be the same.
Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans the week that Jake passed away. A very close friend of mine took her 5-year-old son in for his check up and the pediatrician found a rare heart condition. My grandmother had died. I felt like the world was coming to an end. So, I asked the rabbi who presided at Jake’s funeral about the possibility that the world was ending. He replied with an analogy. He said that it is like when you decide you are going to buy a certain kind of car. Once you make the decision you start seeing the car every where. So, my take away from his explanation was now that I was grieving I would start to see grieving every where. . . Turns out you don’t have to look too far for grief in this world. The record 7.0-magnitude earthquake hit Haiti shortly after Sawyer died.
I know that 9/11, where close to 3,000 people died; Hurricane Katrina, where 1,500-1,700 people died; and the earthquake in Haiti, where almost 230,000 people died are tremendous losses compared to the death of two babies. But, those babies were mine. And, my world will never be the same as it was before they had died.
There is not a contest for who has the most grief. I am not trying to compare my losses to these catastrophic tragedies. There are not any winners here. In grief we have all lost. However, there is still the next day and the day after that. And one day, there is a point where we will realize that our loved ones are dead but we are still alive.
I have previously posted this on 9/11. On the anniversary and every day, my heart, prayers and thoughts go out to not only the victims but to those who they left behind in this world.
Boys (& Girls) of Summer
September 10, 2012 at 12:04 am | Posted in after death?, Grief, life after loss, normal? | 6 CommentsTags: baseball, death of a baby, fathers, Jake, life after loss, lucky, new not so normal, thoughts, trisomy 21, twins
When Evan and I were told it was 100% certain that Jake had trisomy 21 (Down Syndrome), 1 million thoughts raced through my mind. I doubt I can adequately articulate my exact thoughts and feelings at that moment. However, when we were “by accident” told that Jake was a boy I remember very clearly the precise thought which entered my mind first. The realization that Evan might not be able to play little league with our son was the thought which resonated first (and loudest) in my brain.
Jake was born 14 weeks early and only lived for 14 days. He did not ever leave the NICU. He never played little league. His little brother and little sister did join a team this year. They played in their first little league game over the weekend.
The team shirts were randomly given out right before the game. I have always thought that Jake’s lucky number was 14. So, maybe just maybe he was there today too.
Letter to the Twins’ Kindergarten Teachers
September 4, 2012 at 10:10 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love, normal?, twins | 11 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, family, Jake, life after loss, new not so normal, Sawyer, thoughts, twins, unexplainable
Dear Ms. B. and Ms. K.,
We have been having a great year so far. The twins love being in your classes. We completed the Family Tree homework assignment which was due today. I thought I should clarify about a few of the leaves. The ones which I am specifically referring to are the following:
I honestly do not know what the twins will say about these leaves when it is their turn to present. They may say something like “Jake and Sawyer are flowers.” Or, they could tell the class how they bring stones to Jake and Sawyer. It is also possible they could tell the class which Halloween costumes they have picked out for Jake and Sawyer.
Jake was their older brother. He died before the twins were born. Sawyer was their younger brother. He died when the twins were 2 1/2 years old. I do not know if they have any real memories of Sawyer.
The twins will not cry as they excitedly tell you and the rest of their class about their brothers. They will happily talk and talk about them both. They will smile as they explain to you how much they wish Jake and Sawyer would grow.
If you have any questions please feel free to let me know (I will try my best but I can not promise that I will not cry).
Thanks again,
The Twins’, Jake’s and Sawyer’s Mom
100!
August 30, 2012 at 9:10 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love, silver lining, Time | 10 CommentsTags: birthday, centenarians, family, grandparents, gratitude, happy, happy birthday, hope, new not so normal, sad days, thoughts, williard scott
If things get better with age, then you are approaching magnificent. –Unknown
August is filled with happy and sad days for me but it always ends with the birthday of my amazing grandfather. He is 100! today!! In my opinion he has not only approached magnificent but passed it by long ago. I am so very lucky to have him in my life.
I submitted the birthday application to have the chance for Williard Scott to wish him a Happy Birthday on the Today Show. Apparently there are a lot of centenarians these days and Williard Scott did not wish him a happy birthday. So, I will . . .
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
Family Portrait
August 28, 2012 at 9:58 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love, normal?, twins | 14 CommentsTags: baby loss, family, Jake, life after loss, miscarriage, new not so normal, Sawyer, thoughts, twins, unexplainable
Here is our family. One of the twins pulled out her markers after school and this is what she created for me. In case you are not sure who is pictured here I will explain:
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I am on the left side and look as if I have never seen a brush in my life. However, I do have a nice purple bow in my hair.
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Evan is way on the right. He is very tall. And thin. He could also use a good hair brushing.
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In the middle are the twins. She is in pink. He is in blue.
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Also in the middle, and above the twins are our dogs, Buddy and Baby. They usually have their paws planted on the floor.
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At the very bottom of the page are our fish, Fred and Rose. Fred was recently renamed Lightening Flash Fred.
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Which brings us to the circles in the middle. . .The larger of the circles is Jake. The next largest circle is Sawyer. The smallest is for the baby . I did not realize they even knew that I was pregnant. I was wrong.
Very Inspiring Blogger Award
August 22, 2012 at 8:28 pm | Posted in life after loss, why I write | 10 CommentsTags: gratitude, new not so normal, perspective, ways to honor the memory of your child
Thank you very much to Di from It’s Dilovely for the nomination for this award:
The rules to the Very Inspiring Blogger Award are as follows:
- Display the Nomination logo on your blog
- Link back to the person who nominated you
- State 7 things about yourself
- Nominate 15 others and link to them
- Notify those bloggers of the nominations & award requirement
See above for #1 & #2. So here goes #3:
- I have 1 million freckles. I was not always so happy to have them. When I was young, my mom always told me that they were kisses from the sun. Now I am ok with the freckles and I am explaining to the twins about their sun kisses (which I still do not know how the sun gets through all the sun block to kiss them!).
- I am left-handed.
- I got an N (non-satisfactory) in handwriting in 2nd grade. We wrote in pencil in 2nd grade and I did not figure out how to pick up my arm and not smear the page till the 3rd grade.
- In 3rd grade I thought I knew everything. I clearly remember walking home from school one day thinking to myself, “I know how to divide and multiply. I can write the alphabet in cursive. What else could I possibly learn in school?” Turns out there was a lot left to learn and I did not even need to bother learning cursive…
- I worked at an ice cream store in high school. My friend Susan worked there too. Susan and I are both tall with brown hair and brown eyes. I have freckles (see #1) and she doesn’t but people would often confuse us for each other. The owners of the ice cream store called us both Susan the entire time I worked there.
- Evan proposed at an ice cream store and had an ice cream flavor created for me.
- My grandfather is turning 100 next week!
Okay – finished with #3. Here goes #4, nominations:
- Mama Bird Diaries – Kelcey is super funny, clever and witty. She always makes me laugh and reminds me to look for the funny in life. I am pretty sure that Kelcey’s blog is the first one I ever read.
- Four Plus An Angel – Jessica is the mother of 5. She has a teenage daughter with autism, 2 surviving triplets and a rainbow baby in her arms. Hadley is always in her heart. She writes beautifully and has the uncanny ability to write exactly how I am feeling.
- Cora’s Story – Kristine writes in memory of her daughter Cora. Along with writing about her blog, Kristine also wrote the free e-book When a Friend’s Baby Dies.
- A Greener Biener – Daphne writes about her and her families’ adventures in treating the planet more gently and eating better. She has not only given me recipes for kale chips but inspired me to compost.
- The Spohrs Are Multiplying – Heather and Mike both blog on this site. Their first daughter Maddie died suddenly in April of 2009. The blog includes adventures of their daughter, Annie as well as photography tips, hair do ideas, recipes and life without Maddie.
- The Good Cook – Linda shares fantastic recipes and her journey since TBHITW (the best husband in the world) died.
- Rock Star Ronan – Ronan died in 2010 from neuroblastoma cancer. His mother, Maya made a promise that she would continue to fight for Ronan until cancer survival rates start to improve and eventually a cure is found.
- Faces of Loss – Kristen Cook created this group blog when her daughter Stevie Joy was born still. Kristen felt alone in her grief until she started to search the internet. She created a place for women to share their stories and faces. Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope brings awareness to the issue of pregnancy/infant loss.
- Simon’s Beat – The Sudman’s created Simon’s Fund and the blog in memory of their baby boy, Simon. The mission of Simon’s Fund is “To save a child’s life . . . and then another, by raising awareness of conditions that lead to sudden cardiac arrest and death.”
- Jana’s Thinking Place, Mommy wants Vodka and Band Back Together – Becky (from Mommy Wants Vodka) and Jana are the creators/editors of the group site Band Back Together. It is a place where people connect about the good, the bad and the ugly parts of life.
- Missing Maxie – Abby writes about her son Max, who died at the age 9 1/2 months and her newborn Mo.
- Glow in the Woods – This is a group blog for “For parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds.” The creator an editor, Angie also writes the blog Still Life With Circles and created the project right where I am.
- Dr. Joanne – Joanne Cacciatore started the MISS Foundation as a way for families to cope with the tragedy of a child’s death.
- The Crazy Life of a Writing Mom – EC Stilson wears many hats. She is an author, a musician and a mom and writes about all of her adventures.
- It’s Dilovely – Di blogs from the perspective as a mother (one child with her, one who died and one on the way). She also writes from the perspective of a person (BANG, by a normal girl).
One of my hopes for my writing is that someone will read this blog and find something that will make their life some how easier. Thank you again, Di, for the honor.
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