The Circle of Life

January 2, 2013 at 4:44 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons, Love, mourning | 14 Comments
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Quote - winnie the pooh

I always knew that I would outlive my grandfather.  It is the way that life is supposed to go.  I made peace with my feelings about death in 2005.  After Jake died, defying the circle of life, I quickly came to terms with my own mortality.  I am not going to do anything to speed it up but I know I will die one day.  And, I knew the day would come when my grandfather would die.  No one lives forever.

He died yesterday.  I know that he was 100 and lived a (mostly) beautiful life but the last part of it was so excruciatingly painful for him.  I would have given anything to spare him the suffering he endured.

I am so very lucky that I was able to spend so much time with him.  The twins got to know him. I believe they will have memories of their wonderful great grandfather.

I am hoping and praying that he is now resting in peace with my grandmother.  And maybe, just maybe he will meet and play with his other 2 great grandchildren .

Life without you

October 26, 2012 at 9:42 pm | Posted in Love, normal? | 4 Comments
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Dear Sawyer,
There are days that I just cannot stop my arms from aching to hold you.  Today was one of those days.  I think of you and miss you every day.  Time is marching on as it always does.  Soon it will be November again.  Another November without you – just like every day since that awful night.

I carry the book of pictures of you that my thoughtful friends gave me.  I hold on to it.  It is not the same as holding you but I am so thankful that I have it.  I cannot look at it often but I always have it with me.  I love you to the moon and back sweet Sawyer.  I will look for you in my dreams.   Love you always.

 

Better

October 8, 2012 at 11:50 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons, Love, normal? | 9 Comments
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I have written before how I am so very lucky for my grandfather.  I know that he will not live forever.  It was never the plan for him to outlive me.  I know that is not what he would want.  It defies the circle of life that Evan and I have outlived 2 of our children.  Jake and Sawyer were supposed to bury us. 

My grandfather is now in hospice.  Although life is going in the natural order – it is still hard.  I do not want to see my grandfather in pain.  I want to make it easier.  I do not know what to do except what I have always done – love him unconditionally.  And, appreciate how much better the world and my life is because of him.

Anniversaries (repost)

September 12, 2012 at 12:12 am | Posted in Anniversaries, Grief, life after loss, mourning | 2 Comments
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The tragedy of 9/11 and its’ anniversary are kinds of grief.  It is of course, an enormous source of grief for all of the families and friends who lost loved ones.  It is also the kind of grief in which you realize that the world as you knew it will not ever be the same.

Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans the week that Jake passed away.  A very close friend of mine took her 5-year-old son in for his check up and the pediatrician found a rare heart condition.  My grandmother had died.  I felt like the world was coming to an end.  So, I asked the rabbi who presided at Jake’s funeral about the possibility that the world was ending.  He replied with an analogy.  He said that it is like when you decide you are going to buy a certain kind of car.  Once you make the decision you start seeing the car every where.  So, my take away from his explanation was now that I was grieving I would start to see grieving every where. . . Turns out you don’t have to look too far for grief in this world.  The record 7.0-magnitude earthquake hit Haiti shortly after Sawyer died.

I know that 9/11, where close to 3,000 people died; Hurricane Katrina, where 1,500-1,700 people died; and the earthquake in Haiti, where almost 230,000 people died are tremendous losses compared to the death of two babies.  But, those babies were mine.  And, my world will never be the same as it was before they had died.

There is not a contest for who has the most grief.  I am not trying to compare my losses to these catastrophic tragedies.  There are not any winners here.  In grief we have all lost.  However, there is still the next day and the day after that.  And one day, there is a point where we will realize that our loved ones are dead but we are still alive.

I have previously posted this on 9/11.  On the anniversary and every day, my heart, prayers and thoughts go out to not only the victims but to those who they left behind in this world. 

Boys (& Girls) of Summer

September 10, 2012 at 12:04 am | Posted in after death?, Grief, life after loss, normal? | 6 Comments
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When Evan and I were told it was 100% certain that Jake had trisomy 21 (Down Syndrome), 1 million thoughts raced through my mind.  I doubt I can adequately articulate my exact thoughts and feelings at that moment.  However, when we were “by accident” told that Jake was a boy I remember very clearly the precise thought which entered my mind first.  The realization that Evan might not be able to play little league with our son was the thought which resonated first (and loudest) in my brain.

Jake was born 14 weeks early and only lived for 14 days.  He did not ever leave the NICU.  He never played little league.  His little brother and little sister did join a team this year.  They played in their first little league game over the weekend.

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The team shirts were randomly given out right before the game.  I have always thought that Jake’s lucky number was 14.  So, maybe just maybe he was there today too.

Letter to the Twins’ Kindergarten Teachers

September 4, 2012 at 10:10 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love, normal?, twins | 11 Comments
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Dear Ms. B. and Ms. K.,
We have been having a great year so far. The twins love being in your classes. We completed the Family Tree homework assignment which was due today. I thought I should clarify about a few of the leaves.  The ones which I am specifically referring to are the following:

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I honestly do not know what the twins will say about these leaves when it is their turn to present.  They may say something like “Jake and Sawyer are flowers.”  Or, they could tell the class how they bring stones to Jake and Sawyer.  It is also possible they could tell the class which Halloween costumes they have picked out for Jake and Sawyer.

Jake was their older brother.  He died before the twins were born.  Sawyer was their younger brother.  He died when the twins were 2 1/2 years old.  I do not know if they have any real memories of Sawyer.

The twins will not cry as they excitedly tell you and the rest of their class about their brothers.  They will happily talk and talk about them both.  They will smile as they explain to you how much they wish Jake and Sawyer would grow.

If you have any questions please feel free to let me know (I will try my best but I can not promise that I will not cry).

Thanks again,
The Twins’, Jake’s and Sawyer’s Mom

Family Portrait

August 28, 2012 at 9:58 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love, normal?, twins | 14 Comments
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Here is our family.  One of the twins pulled out her markers after school and this is what she created for me.  In case you are not sure who is pictured here I will explain:
  1. I am on the left side and look as if I have never seen a brush in my life.  However, I do have a nice purple bow in my hair.
  2. Evan is way on the right.  He is very tall.  And thin.  He could also use a good hair brushing.
  3. In the middle are the twins.  She is in pink.  He is in blue.
  4. Also in the middle, and above the twins are our dogs, Buddy and Baby.  They usually have their paws planted on the floor.
  5. At the very bottom of the page are our fish, Fred and Rose.  Fred was recently renamed Lightening Flash Fred.
  6. Which brings us to the circles in the middle. . .The larger of the circles is Jake.  The next largest circle is Sawyer.  The smallest is for the baby .  I did not realize they even knew that I was pregnant.  I was wrong.

A Happy Day

August 16, 2012 at 11:42 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love | 13 Comments
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“Today you are you! That is truer than true!
There is no one alive..…who is you-er than you!
Dr. Seuss “Happy Birthday To You!”

HAPPY BIRTHDAY EVAN!

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Birthday Wishes

July 30, 2012 at 9:50 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons, Love, silver lining, twins, why I write | 9 Comments
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Happy Birthday!

As I wrote last year on your 4th birthday I am so very thankful for you two.   I am sorry that I did not take you to see your brothers on your birthday.  I just could not this weekend.  I promise that I will very soon.  Then I will take you out for ice cream (thank you Daphne for the brilliant suggestion).

I wish that you had a chance to know your brothers.  I wish that I did not have to explain death to you at such an early age.  I wish that some of your first sentences did not include “don’t cry mama.”

I wish I could find a picture of you from your 3rd birthday.  I will confess to you now that we almost did not have a party for you that year.  After Sawyer died the thought of planning a party was so daunting.  We realized that you no matter how sad we were you 2 deserve happiness (and a birthday party).  We did plan it and if I remember correctly we sent out the invitation the week before.  You both had a great time.  I just wish that 2010 was not such a blur of grief.

I wish that I could have protected you from my dark days.  I wish that you will always know how much sunshine you both bring to me.

I wish that you will continue to look for rainbows where ever you both go and that I can go with you.  And hug you both tightly.  Love you both to the moon and back.

Planning & Hoping

May 22, 2012 at 10:40 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons | 20 Comments
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Many doctors told me that I could not get pregnant again after Jake had died.  We tried clomid, letrozole, IUIs and eventually IVFs.  We went to several infertility specialists in town and then flew to New York to get yet another opinion.  The doctor we ultimately had the twins with was so sure that I would not get pregnant that Evan and I nicknamed him Dr. Doom and Gloom.

We shocked ourselves and Dr. Doom when I had the twins.  We went back to Dr. Doom when we were trying again.  He again told us that we had little to no chance.  Again, we surprised everyone when we had Sawyer.

Evan and I did not think it was possible to get pregnant on our own until a few months ago.   I was late and thought to myself there is not a chance in the world I am pregnant without the assistance of lots of drugs and doctors.  However, there it was . . . the 2 pink lines on the pregnancy test.

I showed Evan the pink lines.  We both just stared at each other.  We were happy.  Very, very happy.  In all honesty, I did not believe that it could really be true.  After Jake and then Sawyer died there is always a part of me which expects the worst but I try to hope for the best.  There are so many stories of people who get pregnant after years of infertility.  I thought maybe just maybe this could be happening.

Until I started to bleed.  Evan and I went to the OB.  He confirmed that yes I was pregnant but I was most likely having a miscarriage.  He asked if this baby was planned.  I wanted to shout that we had not planned for this baby but then again we had not planned on burying 2 of our sons.  Instead, Evan came up with the perfect answer, “We were not planning but hoping.”

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