Planning & Hoping

May 22, 2012 at 10:40 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons | 20 Comments
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Many doctors told me that I could not get pregnant again after Jake had died.  We tried clomid, letrozole, IUIs and eventually IVFs.  We went to several infertility specialists in town and then flew to New York to get yet another opinion.  The doctor we ultimately had the twins with was so sure that I would not get pregnant that Evan and I nicknamed him Dr. Doom and Gloom.

We shocked ourselves and Dr. Doom when I had the twins.  We went back to Dr. Doom when we were trying again.  He again told us that we had little to no chance.  Again, we surprised everyone when we had Sawyer.

Evan and I did not think it was possible to get pregnant on our own until a few months ago.   I was late and thought to myself there is not a chance in the world I am pregnant without the assistance of lots of drugs and doctors.  However, there it was . . . the 2 pink lines on the pregnancy test.

I showed Evan the pink lines.  We both just stared at each other.  We were happy.  Very, very happy.  In all honesty, I did not believe that it could really be true.  After Jake and then Sawyer died there is always a part of me which expects the worst but I try to hope for the best.  There are so many stories of people who get pregnant after years of infertility.  I thought maybe just maybe this could be happening.

Until I started to bleed.  Evan and I went to the OB.  He confirmed that yes I was pregnant but I was most likely having a miscarriage.  He asked if this baby was planned.  I wanted to shout that we had not planned for this baby but then again we had not planned on burying 2 of our sons.  Instead, Evan came up with the perfect answer, “We were not planning but hoping.”

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