A Mourning Mom

Going Home & Grandmother

Every day Evan, my husband, would wheel me to the NICU to see Jake.  I would usually be crying on the way there and on the way back.  We ran into a few tours that the hospital gives to pregnant couples.   I was sure that if they were not already nervous about the impending birth of their babies, seeing me and Evan crying while wheeling through the hospital was enough to terrify them.   

My parents, along with both sets of Evan’s parents (his parents divorced and both remarried when he was 4) were at the hospital those first few days.  They all visited Jake and sat with me in my hospital room.  Jake seemed to be stabilizing and one set of Evan’s parents left.  My parents were still there and staying at our house.  Evan slept in the hospital room with me every night.  

On Wednesday of that week I had some trouble breathing.  It turned out I had fluid in my lungs – most likely from all the stuff they pumped into me before Jake was born.   I had to be put on oxygen but I would be fine.   My parents announced they were leaving.   As I mentioned in this earlier post my grandmother had not been in good health.   However, her health had been declining for several years and she always seemed to bounce back.   I knew if my parents were leaving, while I was still in the hospital and Jake was in the NICU, that meant my grandmother was very ill. 

My brother and I were very close to our grandmother.   We always wanted to go to our grandparent’s house.  Our grandparents made everything magical and fun.  We would play, sing and go to the beach.  Our grandmother taught us to jump waves in the ocean.    She told us that if we got knocked down to get back up and to always keep one eye on the waves.  Grandmother would give us chocolate pudding or yoo-hoos. What could be better? 

So, my parents would not tell me anything about my grandmother’s condition – just that they were leaving to go be with her.  I wanted to be with her too but I would never leave Jake (plus I was not well enough to travel).   

Evan continued to wheel me in the wheelchair up to see Jake – except for the one night I had to be wheeled in a hospital bed.   A nurse helped get me to the NICU that time.   I was not allowed out of the bed but it was level with Jake’s isolate so, they just wheeled me next to him.   We were even able to hold hands that night.  Okay, I just put my finger into his tiny hand. 

Holding hands with Jake

My OB told me that I was going to be released from the hospital in the next day or so.  I tried everything I could think of to persuade her into letting me stay.  Even though I was not Jake’s primary caregiver or spending hours and hours with him, I did not want to leave the hospital.   I took comfort in the fact that Jake and I were in the same building.  The thought of leaving without him was unimaginable.  

All of my attempts to stay in the hospital failed.  We were planning to leave the hospital on Friday night after dinner.   There was no part of me that wanted to go anywhere but back to the NICU.   

I was not able to eat much during those days however, the nurses still brought me meals.   Dinner arrived that night and I looked at the tray.  There was chocolate pudding – I know this sounds crazy even as I write it, but I felt like the pudding was some sort of sign from my grandmother.  I somehow knew that the sign meant that she had died that evening.