Father’s Day
June 16, 2013 at 9:14 am | Posted in Grief, Jake, life after loss, Love, normal?, Sawyer | 7 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, father's day, Grieving Dad's Project, new not so normal, parenthood, perspective, thoughts
Several years ago I adapted this poem (A Mother’s Day Wish From Heaven) by Jody Seilheimer, for Father’s Day. This year I came across another (more accurate, I think) poem for a bereaved father. It was sent to Kelly Farley, creator of a Grieving Dad’s Project, from Grief haven.
Dear Mr. Hallmark ….. One More Time
Hello there Mr. Hallmark man,
I wrote to you in May
To ask that words of love be shared
With my mom on Mother’s Day.
Just as there is no card for Mom
To let her know I care,
There is no card for my dad, too,
And I have so much to share.
It’s very hard for my loving dad
To know that I’m okay.
To protect me was his job, he feels,
So he thinks he failed some way.
Although I had to leave this world,
While still considered young,
There is no way he ever failed—
There’s no more he could have done.
My dad he tends to question
Those things he cannot see.
I always send him little signs
To say, “Hey, Dad, it’s me!”
I hear him crying in the car,
The shower hides his tears.
He feels he has to be so strong
For those he holds so dear.
My dad he often gets so mad
At what became of me.
He wants so much to understand,
He says, “How could this be?”
I somehow need to let him know,
Though impossible it seems—
For him to live and laugh again
Will fulfill so many dreams.
The card I need to send right now
To a dad as great as mine,
Will thank him for the love he gave
Throughout my brief lifetime.
He’s still the one that I call Dad,
Our bond’s forever strong,
‘Cuz even though he can’t see me,
Our love lives on and on.
Please help me find a way
To tell my dad that when
It comes his time to leave the earth
I’ll be waiting there for him.
And also, Mr. Hallmark man,
Please help him to believe,
That nothing will ever change the fact
That my dad he’ll always be.
Right Where I am: 7 years, 9 months, 2 weeks and 3 years, 5 months and 2 weeks
June 8, 2013 at 12:44 am | Posted in life after loss, Love | 10 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, grief, new not so normal, perspective, thoughts
I am, once again, joining still life with circles for right where I am. Angie started this project 2 years ago. She asked other bereaved parents to write about where they are in their grief, kind of like “a map on the road of grief.”
I am right here, 7 years, 9 months, 2 weeks since Jake died. This week I have been working in the office I returned to after my “maternity” leave with Jake. I remember walking down the halls looking for places I could duck into so that others walking by me would not see my tears. This week there were no tears. Seven years ago, I would start my sentences unsure that I could follow my own thoughts long enough to complete them. This week I know I can finish my conversations without being overtaken by missing my baby boy. The memories of Jake are safely tucked away as I continue to live my life. It is exhausting.
I am also 3 years, 5 months and 2 weeks since Sawyer died. His unknown cause of death does not preoccupy my every waking moment but I am haunted by the emptiness. My inability to protect yet another son from death still makes me want to scream (perhaps not as loudly as in year one or two). I try to stay present and not let my mind wander to the 3-year-old boy who I will never know. I do not always succeed.
I do not think of the miscarriage. There is no point.
I try to live, hope and take care of my living children. However, there is another part of me who wants to be with all of her children.
I am right here.
Hasta Luego House and Hair
June 2, 2013 at 11:48 am | Posted in Grief, life after loss, Love, normal? | 7 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, hope, Jake, life after loss, new not so normal, perspective, post traumatic stress disorder
“How would this do: and they all settled down and lived together
happily ever after?’
‘It will do well, if it ever comes to that,’ said Frodo.
‘Ah!’ said Sam. ‘And where will they live? That’s what I often wonder.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring
I wrote about our old house in this post. We had been renting it since we moved in 2007. It was not the plan to rent it all this time but as my grandfather used to say “people make plans and G-d laughs.” And, there was the real estate market crashing. . .
Last week we sold the house. Before the closing I went in to walk around. I stood in what was supposed to be Jake’s room. The once baby blue walls are now whitish. The room was empty. No tears filled my eyes as I entered. Jake was not there. I did not really think that he would be – I know that he is with me where ever I go. The address does not matter.
Completely unrelated (except for the fact that it also happened last week), I donated my hair for the 4th time to Pantene’s Beautiful Lengths. So far, “Pantene has donated 24,000 free real-hair wigs” to cancer patients throughout the country. It takes 6 donations to make 1 wig. So, I have officially donated 2/3 of 1 wig.
Happy Anniversary Evan!
May 28, 2013 at 9:58 pm | Posted in Anniversaries, Grief, life after loss, Love | 9 CommentsTags: 10 year anniversary, child loss, death of a baby, family, hope, life after loss
Most of the anniversaries I write about are not really anniversaries at all. They are really Deathiversaries.
This past week Evan and I celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary.
In 10 years we have had 4 miraculous children. We have buried our oldest and our youngest sons. I am afraid to count how many other funerals we have attended.
The divorce statistics after the death of a child are debatable. Some say it is a very high number, others disagree. I am not sure which to believe and I do not think it matters. It is bittersweet. All marriages have difficult and stressful times (I think).
Our lives are not the “happily ever after” that I had imagined but
Last Day of Kindergarten
May 22, 2013 at 10:56 pm | Posted in Jake, Love, Sawyer, twins | 9 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, hope, kindergarten, last day, life after loss, new not so normal, parenthood, perspective, thoughts
Today was the last day of kindergarten for the twins. They have both been telling me for the last several weeks, “Mama, we are ready to go to 1st grade.” I am so very happy watching them grow up. This is what I want. The twins are alive and growing. So, why am I sad?
I know that I am not supposed to “grow” Jake and Sawyer up. There is no point in mourning the 7-year-old and the 3-year-old who I will never know. Logically, I know this is true. However, somehow between the end of the year parties, musicals, recitals and tournaments my mind finds time to imagine the little boy who should be sitting in my lap watching his older siblings. And, then my mind wanders to the proud older brother who should be sitting next to me watching his younger brother and sister.
There is no 3-year-old sitting in my lap. No 7-year-old next to me. However, I am here in the land of the living. Evan and I are watching the twins grow while remembering Jake and Sawyer. Life is bittersweet. Miraculous and Miserable.
Ready or not . . .
Happy Mother’s Day??
May 14, 2013 at 10:14 pm | Posted in Cemetery, Grief, Jake, life after loss, Love, Sawyer | 3 CommentsTags: miscarriage, motherhood, new not so normal, premature birth, thoughts, twins, unexplainable, ways to honor the memory of your child
As I have already written, Mother’s Day is not my favorite day. I try to focus on the 4 positive pregnancy tests and the 4 live births. I also try not dwell on the 2 emergency c- sections, the NICU, the miscarriage and the 2 deaths. The truth is that all of these events have made me a mother.
I have gone to the cemetery the last seven Mother’s Days. I know that some people consider this morbid. For me it is my way of taking care of my children who are not physically with me. It gives my aching arms something to do (even if it is clipping grass and cleaning headstones). It brings me some peace.
This year I noticed something different. There was a sign at the entrance to the cemetery:
Maybe the cemetery has a new marketing person. Or, maybe I have missed the sign in past years. Either way, it just seems odd to have a Mother’s Day cook out at the cemetery. And, what would one do with a t-shirt from the cemetery?
Missing you on Mother’s Day
May 12, 2013 at 9:14 am | Posted in Grief, Jake, Love, Sawyer | 8 CommentsTags: child loss, gratitude, grief, life after loss, mother's day, new not so normal, thoughts
Dear Jake and Sawyer,
There is not a day that I do not think of you both. I know that you are both miracles. I was lucky enough to hold you both even for just a moment. I am thankful for the time that I spent with you. I just wish there were more moments. My arms ache to hold you.
I miss you every day. Some days are just harder. Mother’s Day is one of those days. Although the logical part of me knows that this is just a hallmark holiday. The original creator, Anna Jarvis, herself was even disappointed by how commercialized the day had become.
May 5th was International Bereaved Mother’s Day. I have to confess I try not to think about these days. It is not too hard to do in May. Especially now that your brother and sister are in kindergarten. The end of the year seems to bring extra activities that make it even easier to forget about the date.
I love you both to the moon and back. I will look for you in my dreams.
I know that this day is hard for so many. There are the other mothers in the club whose arms will also ache to hold their children. There are others who are missing their mothers and grandmothers. I send hope and hugs to you all.
Thank you!
April 28, 2013 at 8:54 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, life after loss, Love, Sawyer | 9 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, gratitude, hope, life after loss, March of Dimes, perspective, thoughts, ways to honor the memory of your child
Yesterday was the March of Dimes – March for Babies. We warmed up:
We ran:
We rested:
And most importantly, we remembered Jake, Sawyer and all the other babies who were not there to march with us:
Thank you again for supporting our team this year and in past years. We appreciate all of your amazing kindness and generosity.
The Other Side
April 26, 2013 at 7:44 am | Posted in after death?, Grief, Jake, Love, normal?, Sawyer | 4 CommentsTags: Buddha, child loss, death of a baby, gratitude, life after loss, March of Dimes, new not so normal, ways to honor the memory of your child
One day a young Buddhist on his journey home came to the banks of a wide river. Staring hopelessly at the great obstacle in front of him, he pondered for hours on just how to cross such a wide barrier.
Just as he was about to give up his pursuit to continue his journey, he saw a great teacher on the other side of the river. The young Buddhist yells over to the teacher, “Oh wise one, can you tell me how to get to the other side of this river”?
The teacher ponders for a moment looks up and down the river and yells back, “My son, you are on the other side”.
I have been and might always be on a journey to find the cause of Sawyer’s death. I have wanted to be in a place where all of my children are living. Not stuck between my two worlds.
I cannot do anything to bring back Jake or Sawyer. I am here. On the other side. However, maybe just maybe I can help spare other parents the heartbreak of having to live in a world without their child/children. So, as we have done every year since Jake died, our family will walk in the March of Dimes, March for Babies this Saturday.
Thank you to all those who supported our team this year and in past years. We appreciate all of your amazing kindness and generosity. If you would like to support Jake’s Journey & Sawyer’s Strides please click this link.
The Best Ever Big Brother and Sister
April 14, 2013 at 10:22 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, life after loss, Love, Sawyer, twins | 8 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, family, life after loss, new not so normal, parenthood, perspective, thoughts, twins, unexplainable
Recently, the twins have started to read. Gone are the days when Evan and I are the only readers of bed time books.
When I was pregnant with Sawyer I bought the twins “Best Ever Big Brother” and “Best Ever Big Sister.” I bought the books to help with the adjustment of having a new sibling. The twins have always known about their big brother Jake but they never met him.
After Sawyer died I thought I had taken the books out of their room and put them away. I apparently did not because the other night the twins dug up the “best ever” books.
As I was putting away their clean clothes, the twins each read their version of the “best ever” books. I could not move as my already shattered heart broke just a bit more every time one of twins read the lines meant for Sawyer, “One day you’ll be big like me.”
My tears over hearing those books read overshadowed my pride that the twins are actually reading by themselves.
Once again, I am reminded that I lead a double life. I am here with the twins and Evan. Then there is the other part of me who is on planet my baby died with Jake and Sawyer. I try to keep my double life in balance. I try my best to stay present with the twins but Jake and Sawyer are always with me too. Most of the time it works but sometimes the balance just breaks.
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