Hope is a 4 letter word

January 22, 2016 at 4:44 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons, Love | 12 Comments
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quote - love - mlk

In 2015 we had a failed adoption.

Evan and I thought about adoption since we started talking about trying to have more children after Jake died.  We started infertility at that time too.   We were so lucky, fortunate and blessed to have had the twins and Sawyer with the help of lots of medical professionals.

In 2013 we revisited and moved forward with the adoption process.  There were a lot of rejections along the way but in August 2014 we were picked by a birth mother.  She was young, homeless and stated that the birth father’s whereabouts were unknown.  Evan and I met with her once for lunch.  On a separate occasion I was able to go to a doctor’s appointment with her.

On New Year’s Eve day we got a call that she was in labor.  Evan came home from work.  We told the twins and started to pack the car.  I took our dogs to be boarded with the vet. By the time I got home we had gotten another call telling us not to leave quite yet.   The birth mother started to have second thoughts and a potential father had entered the picture.

The baby was born on 12/31/2014.  Evan and I spent the next few days on a horrible roller coaster waiting for the birth mother’s decision.  A few days into 2015 we were told that she had decided to parent the baby.

Over the last year I have gone from sadness to anger (with lots of emotions I cannot identify in between).  I have rationalized that we helped this baby and his mother but he is not ours.  He is being raised by his mother, who, with help from us, is no longer homeless.  Hoping 2016 brings good things for everyone.



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  1. That quote makes anything in life bearable. Love you.

  2. I’m crying for your heartbreak. I’m so sorry for your loss and pain. Wishing you much love and peace in 2016!

  3. So glad you got to “anger.” That is so very healing.

  4. Thinking of you my friend and wishing you much love for 2016.

  5. Dear Lanie and Evan – I am sorry for yet another loss you had to suffer but am grateful that you are able to turn to hope and acceptance. Your contribution to the birth mother of the baby you didn’t get may have given a positive trajectory to that child and his/her family that you might count among your blessings. Cherish Alyssa and Fletcher and love each other and have a wonderful life together in this new year and many, many more to come. Love, Cornelia

  6. Peace to you and beautiful family for 2016❤️

  7. You are one of the most positive people I know–that’s also one of your greatest strengths–one that we can all learn from. Love and much HOPE in 2016.

  8. I love you guys. Here’s to good things in 2016.

  9. Wishing you nothing but love and happiness in 2016! You deserve it all.

  10. Oh sweet friend… thank you for honoring us with and sharing your pain. Praying for you and your family and hoping along side of you all the best in 2016! Miss you!

  11. […]  I am not always so great at getting check ups for myself.  As part of the home study for the adoption i did have a physical.   However, I have only been to the gynecologist a few times since […]

  12. […] my running route I have discovered a few signs of hope.  One time I saw this […]

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