Doctors & Dreams
December 2, 2012 at 9:48 pm | Posted in after death?, Grief, Love, normal? | 10 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, dark days, death of a baby, new not so normal, perspective, quotes, Sad, Sawyer, unexplainable
Dear Sawyer,
Three years ago we had your 2 week check up with the pediatrician. You did fantastic. You were gaining weight. You were eating. You were sleeping. All seemed to be going well. Was there something that we missed?
The doctor told us that you were perfect. We even scheduled your 2 month check up in January of 2010. As you know, we did not make it to that appointment.
I try not to imagine what you would be like as a 3-year-old. I know that I should just mourn the loss of you as a baby. It only makes it more painful to grieve the losses of all the other stages you sadly never reached. Good night baby boy. I love you. I miss you. As always, I will look for you in my dreams.
Elections & Explanations
November 8, 2012 at 10:22 pm | Posted in after death?, Grief, Love, normal? | 13 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, hope, Mayo Clinic, new not so normal, post traumatic stress disorder, Sawyer, thoughts, unexplainable, unknown
Dear Sawyer,
Your sister has big plans! She would change the colors of the rainbow if she were elected president (just in case you cannot read her handwriting). Hopefully, if she does decide to run for president she will first brush her hair. I will not list all changes I would make. But if I did make a list, the first thing would be to find the cure for whatever took you away from us.
I try not to think about it but I still cannot believe that we do not know your cause of death. The first weeks and months after you died I could not think of anything else. I went over and over in my mind what could have possibly happened. I looked for more information everywhere. I thought if there was some logical explanation perhaps I could understand. No medical explanation has been found. I have tucked away the search for your cause of death. I will never forget or stop wanting answers. I just cannot let myself go there very often. We may never know why your heart just stopped. Even if we did, it would not bring you back. And, that is what I want most of all.
I still hold out hope that one day the study that you are part of at the Mayo Clinic will find something. Anything.
Time is moving forward, as it always does. I am not sure how it is possible but your 3rd birthday will soon be here. I do not want it to be another November 17th without you. I know there is no other option for me. Your birthday will come and go. We will not watch you eat your birthday cake. We will not take pictures of you opening gifts. Or hug you. . .
I will now put away that part of me that cannot stop obsessing about your unknown cause of death. I hope that where ever you are you know how much you are loved and missed.
Lost Girl?
November 2, 2012 at 10:22 pm | Posted in after death?, Grief, life after loss, normal? | 5 CommentsTags: child loss, dark days, death of a baby, Jake, new not so normal, post traumatic stress disorder, Sawyer, thoughts, twins, unexplainable
In my younger (pre-children days) I loved to travel. My parents took my brother and me on all kinds of exciting adventures. I was an exchange student in Finland for a summer. I spent a semester in Madrid. My first jobs at times required extensive travel. I was always happy to explore a new city.
In August of 2005, I held Jake,our first son, as he took his last breaths and a part of me died with him. My love for travel was buried with Jake. I could no longer be alone in my house let alone a hotel room in a far away city. Even driving alone in my car was excruciatingly painful for me.
The twins’ birth brought me happiness that I did not think I could/would ever experience again. However, that part of me that died with Jake was still gone. Travel now seemed out of the question. I did not want to let the twins out of my sight. I was no longer alone in the house or the car.
When Sawyer died so unexpectedly my ability to be alone vanished again. The 3 hours twice a week when the twins were in preschool seemed like an eternity to me. For awhile I could not even shower unless other people were in the house.
I do not think I will ever be the person that I was before Jake and Sawyer died. At times I do wonder if that person who loved to travel and see the world is still out there somewhere. . .
Life without you
October 26, 2012 at 9:42 pm | Posted in Love, normal? | 4 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, life after loss, new not so normal, quotes, Sad, Sawyer, thoughts, unexplainable
Dear Sawyer,
There are days that I just cannot stop my arms from aching to hold you. Today was one of those days. I think of you and miss you every day. Time is marching on as it always does. Soon it will be November again. Another November without you – just like every day since that awful night.
I carry the book of pictures of you that my thoughtful friends gave me. I hold on to it. It is not the same as holding you but I am so thankful that I have it. I cannot look at it often but I always have it with me. I love you to the moon and back sweet Sawyer. I will look for you in my dreams. Love you always.
The Balancing Act
October 4, 2012 at 11:14 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons, normal?, venting | 5 CommentsTags: dark days, death of a baby, Jake, new not so normal, perspective, quotes, Sawyer, unexplainable
Areas of my life which I wish I could find a balance:
1. Answering the question, “how many children do you have?”
The twins started a new school this year. There are new teachers. New parents.
The twins started preschool the week after Sawyer died. We did not plan it that way but it is the way it worked out. It was a small preschool. I had already answered the questions. I had cried the tears in the parking lot.
Sawyer has been gone over 2 years so I can usually answer the question without the tears. The balance I am trying to find is answering the question without the pity that always seem to come along with it. It is hard to explain but I do not want people to feel sorry for us. I just want to be able to answer the question and talk about Jake and Sawyer.
2. “Being so busy I cannot think” coping technique
In 2005, Jake had died. I was still alive and forced to figure out how to live in a world without him. I searched and searched for steps to follow. A guide. Anything to help me get through the excruciatingly painful moments. I realized that being busy was the way to go. I desperately filled every possible moment.
In 2009 after Sawyer died I continued to utilize my “being so busy I cannot think” coping technique. I am at a point where I need to rethink just how busy I keep myself.
I do not know how to find the balance. There might not be a balance. Or, maybe there is and I will find it one day. Till then I will try to take Dr. Seuss’ advice and “step with care and great tact.”
Home is where the heart is. . .
September 30, 2012 at 11:02 pm | Posted in after death?, Cemetery, Grief, normal? | 7 CommentsTags: child loss, dark days, death of a baby, Jake, new not so normal, parenthood, Sawyer, thoughts, twins, unexplainable
I think that is how the saying goes. . .but what if your heart has been smashed into a thousand pieces? Where is your home then? I want my home to include all of my children. Jake never left the hospital. Sawyer did live in our home but not for long enough.
Our next door neighbors are selling their house. There has been a lot of talk about what people want in a house. A garage. A basement. X number of bedrooms and bathrooms. The top of my list is actually none of those options. My biggest concern is how far the house is from the cemetery where Jake and Sawyer are buried. We currently live 15 minutes away.
I was speaking to another mom at baseball practice and she mentioned that her neighborhood is at the edge of the cemetery. My mind filled with thoughts of what it would be like to be able to walk over to see Jake and Sawyer. Would I go more often? Would I ever go anywhere without going to the cemetery first? It is so hard to drive by it and not stop.
Today we went and picked out 4 mini pumpkins. One for each of the twins. One for Jake. One for Sawyer. I was thinking that I would bring them to the cemetery as I have done in past years. The twins had another idea. They insisted on bringing the pumpkins to Jake and Sawyer’s room. Jake never had a room in our current house. He was born and died 2 years before we moved into our house. Sawyer did have a room. It was the room next to the twins’ room. And, that is where they brought the 2 mini pumpkins.
Letter to the Twins’ Kindergarten Teachers
September 4, 2012 at 10:10 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love, normal?, twins | 11 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, family, Jake, life after loss, new not so normal, Sawyer, thoughts, twins, unexplainable
Dear Ms. B. and Ms. K.,
We have been having a great year so far. The twins love being in your classes. We completed the Family Tree homework assignment which was due today. I thought I should clarify about a few of the leaves. The ones which I am specifically referring to are the following:
I honestly do not know what the twins will say about these leaves when it is their turn to present. They may say something like “Jake and Sawyer are flowers.” Or, they could tell the class how they bring stones to Jake and Sawyer. It is also possible they could tell the class which Halloween costumes they have picked out for Jake and Sawyer.
Jake was their older brother. He died before the twins were born. Sawyer was their younger brother. He died when the twins were 2 1/2 years old. I do not know if they have any real memories of Sawyer.
The twins will not cry as they excitedly tell you and the rest of their class about their brothers. They will happily talk and talk about them both. They will smile as they explain to you how much they wish Jake and Sawyer would grow.
If you have any questions please feel free to let me know (I will try my best but I can not promise that I will not cry).
Thanks again,
The Twins’, Jake’s and Sawyer’s Mom
Family Portrait
August 28, 2012 at 9:58 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love, normal?, twins | 14 CommentsTags: baby loss, family, Jake, life after loss, miscarriage, new not so normal, Sawyer, thoughts, twins, unexplainable
Here is our family. One of the twins pulled out her markers after school and this is what she created for me. In case you are not sure who is pictured here I will explain:
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I am on the left side and look as if I have never seen a brush in my life. However, I do have a nice purple bow in my hair.
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Evan is way on the right. He is very tall. And thin. He could also use a good hair brushing.
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In the middle are the twins. She is in pink. He is in blue.
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Also in the middle, and above the twins are our dogs, Buddy and Baby. They usually have their paws planted on the floor.
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At the very bottom of the page are our fish, Fred and Rose. Fred was recently renamed Lightening Flash Fred.
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Which brings us to the circles in the middle. . .The larger of the circles is Jake. The next largest circle is Sawyer. The smallest is for the baby . I did not realize they even knew that I was pregnant. I was wrong.
Boy with the dragon tattoo & his sister
July 26, 2012 at 10:57 pm | Posted in Cemetery, Grief, life lessons, normal? | 9 CommentsTags: baby loss, Charlie Brown, Growing Up, parenthood, quotes, Sawyer, twins, unexplainable
Thank you for all the well wishes. The cast has not slowed him down one bit.
Here he is with his toy green teeth chasing the girl with the butterfly tattoo around the house.
Ok, the cast did eventually tire him out. . .
Blue casts can really weigh a boy down
Now that he stopped chasing her she was free to accessorize a bit more.
Tattoo, a Crown & a Ring
What could be better?
They are making the most out of their last days as 4 year olds. She caught me off guard yesterday when she asked, “Will you take us to go see Sawyer and Jake for our birthday?”
“Yes, sure. Why?’ I responded while trying to figure out what happened that made a visit to the cemetery pop into her toddler brain.
“I love them. You don’t take us to see them often enough.”
She is right. I have not taken them to see Sawyer and Jake since the spring when she carefully arranged stones for her brothers. Over the past 5 years Evan and I have made the decisions about when and when not to bring the twins to the cemetery. Now that they have their own opinions I did not imagine we would be discussing trips to the cemetery.
“In the book of life, the answers aren’t in the back.” – – Charlie Brown
Odd but Ok
July 20, 2012 at 2:34 pm | Posted in Cemetery, Grief, life after loss, normal? | 6 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, Jake, new not so normal, parenthood, quotes, Sawyer, unexplainable
Ever since Sawyer’s unveiling I have been watching the earth move farther and farther away from Jake and Sawyer’s headstone. Ground settles. No big deal. I kept checking. I thought about bringing some dirt and trying to fill it in. Stones started to fall into the crack. The split grew larger and larger. I decided to ask about it. I went to the office at the cemetery. The groundskeeper explained to me that a combination of ground settling and rain can cause headstones to sink. Not what I wanted to hear. He asked if I could show him the headstone and then he could determine the best course of action. Great. Action is good. In fact, fix it right now, please.
We drove out to Jake and Sawyer. I showed him the crack. He told me that they would lift up the marble and pack it down with more dirt. Ok. I asked, “Can we do that right now? ” He replied that he would put in a work order but it would not get done for a week or 2. I thought about it. Ok. Jake and Sawyer are not going anywhere. There is no urgency. The more I thought about it the more I realized that I was actually taking care of something for them. I will never give them a bath, brush their hair or help them get dressed. Oddly, I felt good about placing the work order to fix the crack between the earth and the headstone.
I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme,
and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end.
Life is about not knowing, having to change,
taking the moment and making the best of it. . .” – Gilda Radner
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