No worries (I wish. . .)
March 16, 2014 at 9:28 pm | Posted in Grief, Sawyer, twins, why I write | 10 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, dark days, death of a baby, grief, hope, new not so normal, parenthood, perspective, thoughts
If your problem has a solution then…why worry about it? If your problem doesn’t have solution then…why worry about it? – Chinese Proverb
In theory I think this makes sense and I agree with the proverb, but I have a problem: I think that worrying is in my DNA.
Everyone at our house is feeling fine now but last week that was not the case. Evan and one of the twins were sick. It is part of life – everyone gets sick. But, I do not like it one bit! I try very hard to rely on the rational part of my brain but the irrational part of me always seems to take over. I am transported back to the days and nights before Sawyer died. Was there something going on? Was he sick in some way? What did I miss? How could he be seemingly perfect one moment and then dead the next?
I know that the twins are not Sawyer. They are bigger. They are stronger. They can tell me when something is wrong (and usually can specifically detail what is wrong too!). However, I cannot help but second guess myself. I cannot help but worry about what we could have done differently, what might have prevented Sawyer from dying that night, how we might have taken a different action or course and he would still be here with us today. I also know that even if we did miraculously figure out the cause of Sawyer’s death it would not change the fact that he is dead. Resurrection is not our reality. Of course, I cannot change that now, and of all things, I logically know I should not worry about things I cannot change. And yet, those are the things that seem to draw out my worries the most.
Jake
August 14, 2013 at 12:14 am | Posted in Grief, Jake, life lessons, Love | 13 CommentsTags: baby loss, birthday, child loss, death of a baby, Jake, life after loss, new not so normal, parenthood, premature birth, thoughts
Dear Jake,
Today you would/should have been 8. You are not. I am still so very thankful that I got to meet you. I just wish we could have kept you for longer. Below are the words that your dad wrote to you 8 years ago. They are just as true today.
We love you Jake.
You are our sunshine.
You are such a courageous and strong fighter, and we are so proud of you.
Jake, you are a miracle, and we thank you for choosing us to be your parents.
You are so wise for someone so young and so small. You knew when you had to come into this world Jake, and you knew when you had to leave us to be in a better place.
You are and were the perfect son for us.
Jake, please know that we felt all the love you gave to us during your time here.
We are sad that we could only spend such a short time with you, but we are so glad and thankful for every minute of it.
It is amazing how we could come to love you so immediately and so completely even though we were just getting to know each other.
Then again, we feel like we have known you all of our lives, and you will be in our hearts forever and beyond.
Jake, we also know that you are at peace and that you are being watched over by all of our loved ones who also watch over all of us from above.
Thank you, Jake.
Thank you for coming to us.
Thank you for choosing us.
Thank you for loving us and letting us love you with all of our hearts.
We’ll see you every night playing up with the moon and the stars.
I miss you every. single. day. Some days are harder than others. I love you.
Back to School Blur
August 8, 2013 at 9:18 pm | Posted in Jake, Love, Sawyer, twins | 9 CommentsTags: 1st grade, after death?, back to school, child loss, death of a baby, life after loss, love, new not so normal, parenthood, perspective, reality, thoughts, time
It just does not seem that long ago that I could fit both the twins in a laundry basket. How is it possible that they are now in 1st grade! ? Time is so tricky and now these 2 would never fit in a laundry basket:
It is what is supposed to happen, they should grow up. I know all too well that it is a parent’s worst nightmare when their child/children are no longer growing. As I wrote here, I am still trying not to “grow” up Jake and Sawyer in my mind. I know that there is no point of grieving over every stage and milestone that they will never reach. Some days it works better than others.
The King & Queen of July’s Birthday (with a side of bittersweet)
July 30, 2013 at 10:08 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, normal?, twins | 4 CommentsTags: baby loss, bittersweet, child loss, death of a baby, gratitude, happy birthday, Jewish customs, King and Queen of July, life after loss, new not so normal, parenthood, perspective, twins, yahrzeit
A few years ago (not long after they learned to speak) the twins announced that they are the King and Queen of July. It is after all, their birthday month and we (me and Evan) should never forget to plan accordingly. The twins did have a fun birthday. I can not say that they were overjoyed the whole month. I distinctly remember being told I was “making it the worst July ever” on a few occasions after I asked them to clean up their toys, brush their teeth or take a bath. . .
I am forever grateful for our amazing twins. I am so lucky that I am their mom and getting the chance to raise them. Happy, happy birthday to the King and Queen of July!
The bittersweet part of the twins’ birthday was that this year Jake’s yahrzeit fell on the same day. A Yahrzeit is the Hebrew date of the deceased relative’s death according to the Jewish calendar as opposed to the secular calendar. We lit a Yahrzeit candle. We said the mourner’s kaddish. I tried my best not to think about the almost 8-year-old big brother who should have been running around the birthday party. I am so very lucky to be Jake’s mom too.
Father’s Day
June 16, 2013 at 9:14 am | Posted in Grief, Jake, life after loss, Love, normal?, Sawyer | 7 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, father's day, Grieving Dad's Project, new not so normal, parenthood, perspective, thoughts
Several years ago I adapted this poem (A Mother’s Day Wish From Heaven) by Jody Seilheimer, for Father’s Day. This year I came across another (more accurate, I think) poem for a bereaved father. It was sent to Kelly Farley, creator of a Grieving Dad’s Project, from Grief haven.
Dear Mr. Hallmark ….. One More Time
Hello there Mr. Hallmark man,
I wrote to you in May
To ask that words of love be shared
With my mom on Mother’s Day.
Just as there is no card for Mom
To let her know I care,
There is no card for my dad, too,
And I have so much to share.
It’s very hard for my loving dad
To know that I’m okay.
To protect me was his job, he feels,
So he thinks he failed some way.
Although I had to leave this world,
While still considered young,
There is no way he ever failed—
There’s no more he could have done.
My dad he tends to question
Those things he cannot see.
I always send him little signs
To say, “Hey, Dad, it’s me!”
I hear him crying in the car,
The shower hides his tears.
He feels he has to be so strong
For those he holds so dear.
My dad he often gets so mad
At what became of me.
He wants so much to understand,
He says, “How could this be?”
I somehow need to let him know,
Though impossible it seems—
For him to live and laugh again
Will fulfill so many dreams.
The card I need to send right now
To a dad as great as mine,
Will thank him for the love he gave
Throughout my brief lifetime.
He’s still the one that I call Dad,
Our bond’s forever strong,
‘Cuz even though he can’t see me,
Our love lives on and on.
Please help me find a way
To tell my dad that when
It comes his time to leave the earth
I’ll be waiting there for him.
And also, Mr. Hallmark man,
Please help him to believe,
That nothing will ever change the fact
That my dad he’ll always be.
Last Day of Kindergarten
May 22, 2013 at 10:56 pm | Posted in Jake, Love, Sawyer, twins | 9 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, hope, kindergarten, last day, life after loss, new not so normal, parenthood, perspective, thoughts
Today was the last day of kindergarten for the twins. They have both been telling me for the last several weeks, “Mama, we are ready to go to 1st grade.” I am so very happy watching them grow up. This is what I want. The twins are alive and growing. So, why am I sad?
I know that I am not supposed to “grow” Jake and Sawyer up. There is no point in mourning the 7-year-old and the 3-year-old who I will never know. Logically, I know this is true. However, somehow between the end of the year parties, musicals, recitals and tournaments my mind finds time to imagine the little boy who should be sitting in my lap watching his older siblings. And, then my mind wanders to the proud older brother who should be sitting next to me watching his younger brother and sister.
There is no 3-year-old sitting in my lap. No 7-year-old next to me. However, I am here in the land of the living. Evan and I are watching the twins grow while remembering Jake and Sawyer. Life is bittersweet. Miraculous and Miserable.
Ready or not . . .
The Best Ever Big Brother and Sister
April 14, 2013 at 10:22 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, life after loss, Love, Sawyer, twins | 8 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, family, life after loss, new not so normal, parenthood, perspective, thoughts, twins, unexplainable
Recently, the twins have started to read. Gone are the days when Evan and I are the only readers of bed time books.
When I was pregnant with Sawyer I bought the twins “Best Ever Big Brother” and “Best Ever Big Sister.” I bought the books to help with the adjustment of having a new sibling. The twins have always known about their big brother Jake but they never met him.
After Sawyer died I thought I had taken the books out of their room and put them away. I apparently did not because the other night the twins dug up the “best ever” books.
As I was putting away their clean clothes, the twins each read their version of the “best ever” books. I could not move as my already shattered heart broke just a bit more every time one of twins read the lines meant for Sawyer, “One day you’ll be big like me.”
My tears over hearing those books read overshadowed my pride that the twins are actually reading by themselves.
Once again, I am reminded that I lead a double life. I am here with the twins and Evan. Then there is the other part of me who is on planet my baby died with Jake and Sawyer. I try to keep my double life in balance. I try my best to stay present with the twins but Jake and Sawyer are always with me too. Most of the time it works but sometimes the balance just breaks.
Tears in Heaven
March 12, 2013 at 9:50 pm | Posted in after death?, Love | 5 CommentsTags: child loss, new not so normal, parenthood, perspective, thoughts, tragedy, ways to honor the memory of your child
In my 20’s I went to see an Eric Clapton concert. He sang “Tears in Heaven.” I knew that he had written the song for his young son, Conor, who had died. Below are the lyrics in case you have not heard the song:
Would you know my name
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you feel the same
If I saw you in heaven?
I must be strong and carry on
‘Cause I know I don’t belong here in heaven
Would you hold my hand
If I saw you in heaven?
Would you help me stand
If I saw you in heaven?
I’ll find my way through night and day
‘Cause I know I just can’t stay here in heaven
Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees
Time can break your heart, have you begging please, begging please
Beyond the door there’s peace I’m sure
And I know there’ll be no more tears in heaven
Eric Clapton wrote in his autobiography that “Tears in Heaven” did not have a big budget but “If you really want to know what it cost me then go visit my son’s grave in Ripley, England.” He went on to write that this song was originally not meant for the public. It was part of his grieving process. What finally convinced him to release the song was the hope that it would help others.
In my 20’s I had no way of identifying with this enormous loss. I just enjoyed the concert. Now when I listen to the song I know all too well the heartbreak and sadness. If I could have warned my 20-year-old self, what would I say?
Rancic, Relationships and Reality
March 2, 2013 at 11:28 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons | 7 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, Giuliana Rancic, Jake, marriage, parenthood, Sawyer, thoughts
In a recent interview Giuliana Rancic told US Weekly “We’re husband and wife, but we’re also best friends, and it’s funny because a lot of people, when they have kids, they put the baby first, and the marriage second.” Giuliana and her husband Bill went through infertility treatments for years. She battled breast cancer. In 2012 they had their son, Edward, with the help of a surrogate.
The Rancics have had a tough road to parenthood. I do not judge other parents and their decisions. I believe the balance of marriage and parenthood is difficult. I understand both sides of the debate which Giuliana’s comments created but I have a confession.
The night that Jake died and the night that Sawyer died I bargained with G-d. I pleaded that it should be me and not them. I offered to trade my life for theirs. I also offered Evan’s life. I would have switched places with my children without hesitation or any consideration of our marriage. I think that Evan would have as well.
The pleading and bargaining did not work. Evan and I are still here. Sawyer and Jake are not.
Storms & Seasons Greetings
December 12, 2012 at 12:12 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons, normal?, silver lining | 10 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, dark days, death of a baby, holidays, new not so normal, parenthood, perspective
The dark days of December are always accompanied by holiday parties and cheer. The people of planet earth should be celebrating and happy because as it has already been established not everyone lives on planet my baby died. Last weekend I was visiting planet earth when Evan and I attended his work holiday party. For the most part we fit right in. Three different people asked “how many children do you have?” My response to 2 of them was “we have twins at home.”
I was speaking to a woman who I knew had lost a daughter. I did not know how or if I would bring it up but then she asked the question. I told her about all 4 of our children. I told her about Jake and Sawyer. She told me about her daughter who had died in 1999.
She shared with me that the month of her daughter’s death is still hard for her. I am truly sad that it is difficult but her honesty helped me. The 3 years since Sawyer died seem so long ago in some respects but in others it really does not. There is no plan to get over or through grief. It is a journey. I know exactly when the storms began but I am not sure if they will ever end.
Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.
Entries and comments feeds.
A Mourning Mom 