No worries (I wish. . .)

March 16, 2014 at 9:28 pm | Posted in Grief, Sawyer, twins, why I write | 10 Comments
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If your problem has a solution then…why worry about it? If your problem doesn’t have solution then…why worry about it?   – Chinese Proverb

In theory I think this makes sense and I agree with the proverb, but I have a problem:  I think that worrying is in my DNA.

Everyone at our house is feeling fine now but last week that was not the case.   Evan and one of the twins were sick.  It is part of life – everyone gets sick.  But, I do not like it one bit!  I try very hard to rely on the rational part of my brain but the irrational part of me always seems to take over.  I am transported back to the days and nights before Sawyer died.  Was there something going on?  Was he sick in some way?  What did I miss?  How could he be seemingly perfect one moment and then dead the next?

I know that the twins are not Sawyer.  They are bigger.  They are stronger.  They can tell me when something is wrong (and usually can specifically detail what is wrong too!).  However, I cannot help but second guess myself.  I cannot help but worry about what we could have done differently, what might have prevented Sawyer from dying that night, how we might have taken a different action or course and he would still be here with us today.  I also know that even if we did miraculously figure out the cause of Sawyer’s death it would not change the fact that he is dead.  Resurrection is not our reality.  Of course, I cannot change that now, and of all things, I logically know I should not worry about things I cannot change.  And yet, those are the things that seem to draw out my worries the most.

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10 Comments »

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  1. I’m glad last week has passed, everyone’s feeling better, and you can stop worrying. Look forward to spring time!

  2. It is in our DNA. Xoxo

  3. love you lanie. xo glad everyone is on the mend. I think worry is a natural part of parenthood and of course, you feel it even more b/c of everything you have been through.

  4. One of the hardest things for me and my anxiety after our losses is the blatant mortality of everyone I love being foremost on my mind.

  5. Dr. Maya Angelou wrote:
    We spend
    precious hours
    fearing the inevitable.

    It would be wise
    to use that time
    adoring our families,
    cherishing our friends,
    and living our lives.

    Maya Angelou does not share our DNA….

  6. I understand how you feel. Once the worst thing that could happen, happens our radar is never the same. The stakes are just too high. It can make us crazy. Glad you all are feeling better.

  7. I’m so glad everyone is on the mend. I wish we could just stop the worrying, but that’s just part of the package, I think.

  8. Glad your family is better. I’m at my wit’s end with my girls being sick this winter. Anyway, it is human nature for you to worry about your family but I wish you could know that you did all you could for your precious children. Wishing you much peace.

  9. Unfortunately, we all worry at times. It’s written into our genetic make-up as mother’s no? Hopefully everyone is now feeling much better!

  10. […] cousin’s mother (who was also my cousin) wrote this poem in a comment to one of my posts last year.  She peacefully passed away a few days ago after being diagnosed with pancreatic […]


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