Jake’s Journey & Sawyer’s Strides
April 22, 2014 at 7:22 pm | Posted in after death?, Grief, Jake, life lessons, Love, Sawyer | 5 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, gratitude, hope, March of Dimes, new not so normal, ways to honor the memory of your child
No matter how far the distance you have traveled nor the failures that have gathered, hope would still meet you anywhere.
~ Dodinsky ~
Our family has walked in the March of Dimes’ “March for Babies” every year since Jake died. Originally our team was named Jake’s Journey. After Sawyer died we renamed it to Jake’s Journey & Sawyer’s Strides. We will be walking again this weekend.
The mission of March of Dimes is to improve the health of babies by preventing birth defects, premature birth and infant mortality. I believe that the March of Dimes is making a difference and saving babies.
I cannot do anything to bring back Jake or Sawyer but maybe, just maybe, I can help spare other parents the heartbreak of having to live in this world without their child/children.
Thank you to all those who supported our team this year and in past years. Thank you also to the hospital for matching funds. We appreciate all of your kindness and generosity. If you would like to support Jake’s Journey & Sawyer’s Strides please click this link.
Trees
April 14, 2014 at 11:18 pm | Posted in Jake, life after loss, Love, Sawyer | 5 CommentsTags: baby loss, death of a baby, Jewish National Fund, new not so normal, Trees, ways to honor the memory of your child
Last month we went to the playground where trees are planted for Jake and Sawyer. I do not think Sawyer’s tree is doing so well at the moment. . .
The plan is that we will try to straighten it out and hope that it grows better. It is best to plant trees in the colder weather so we will reevaluate in the fall. It makes me feel better just to have a plan.
Many people had trees planted in Israel for Jake and Sawyer when they died. Planting trees in Israel is a tradition which celebrates the life of loved ones. Evan and I often joke that there is a Jake and Sawyer forest at this point. I have never been to Israel and if I do go I would like to see the Jake and Sawyer forest :-).
I did write thank you notes to all the people who had trees planted for Jake. However, I never did write thank you notes for the trees, donations and acts of kindness that were done in memory of Sawyer. I do want to thank all of those who had trees planted for Sawyer and one day I hope to write those notes. Until then, please know how very thankful I am.
I want to wish a happy and healthy Passover to all those who celebrate!
Helping with Homework
March 6, 2014 at 10:14 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, Love, Sawyer | 12 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a baby, life after loss, new not so normal, perspective, siblings
Today’s 1st grade homework assignment for one of the twins was about cultural diversity. The questions asked about backgrounds, customs and families. I was helping her with the assignment. We discussed the questions and her answers. “Where are you from?” Where were you born?” She quickly answered and wrote down, “Atlanta, Georgia.” All was going smoothly until, we got to the question asking, “How many brothers and sisters do you have?”
I have written before about being asked “How many children do you have?” “How many brothers and sisters do you have?” is the bereaved sibling’s version of this question. They are both such common and polite questions but the answers for some of us are so complicated. When people ask me how many children I have these days I usually say something like “I have 2 children at home.” I then try to change the subject. Or, the other day I caught myself saying “excuse me for a moment” and I left the conversation all together. I always remember Jake and Sawyer but I do not always talk about them. But maybe it does not have to be so difficult.
At first she did not immediately answer the question “How many brothers and sisters do you have?” Instead, she looked at me thoughtfully and asked, “Mama, how many brothers do I have?” Before I could say anything she said “I know!!” and she began to write . . .
I used to have three brothers but now I only have one. one brother
When she finished writing she went over to her one brother and gave him a hug. And, then I hugged them both.
How to Remember Your Child
February 28, 2014 at 1:00 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, life after loss, Sawyer | 6 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a child, love, ways to honor the memory of your child
I will always remember Jake and Sawyer. How they looked. How they smelled. Their sounds, and the touch of their skin.
Over the years since Jake and then Sawyer have died, we’ve always looked for ways to remember them by trying to build more memories of them. Maybe it is because we only had weeks with each of them. Maybe it is because it is a way to keep them a more active parts of our lives. Maybe it is because that is what we do when we loved ones are no longer present in our lives.
We’ve done things that have made sense to us to remember Jake and Sawyer. I’ve also come across suggestions (some of which we have taken, some of which we haven’t done) from other resources about ways parents can remember their children who have died. Some of those ideas include:
- Create a baby album with all your keepsakes in it. (This might take different shapes or forms depending on what keepsakes you have.)
- Make a collage frame, remembrance or shadow box with pictures, mementos and other things that remind you of your child.
- Plant flowers or a tree in your child’s memory, perhaps in a place you like to visit or that you associate with your child.
- Participate in walks or runs in your community.
- Buy memorial bricks (local parks often offer this as a fundraiser).
- Name a star after your baby.
- Write.
- Light candles.
- Volunteer or work on a special project in your child’s memory.
- Donate to a child who would be the same age as your child would be.
Do you have any other ideas to share?
Second Star
February 18, 2014 at 11:14 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, life lessons, Love, Sawyer, Time | 5 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, international star registry, new not so normal, siblings, stars, ways to honor the memory of your child
When Jake died the hospital gave us a packet of information to take home. I remember trying to read it through my tears and being unable to make out most of the words. When I got to the page on “Ways to Honor Your Child” I got a tissue, wiped my eyes and read. One of the ways was to name a star. Before I knew it I was on the phone buying a star for Jake:
Jake’s Star
The star date is his birthday and it is in the constellation of Leo (Jake’s zodiac sign). We have the star certificate with all of Jake’s other belongings. I think before now the only other person I told that I bought a star was Evan. Buying the star made me feel a bit better for the moment. It was something I could do for Jake. Funny how time changes some things. . .
After Sawyer died I did not buy a star. The thought of buying another star did not make me feel better. Recently, I came across Jake’s star certificate and decided that I did want a star for Sawyer after all.
I tried to order it online and then finally called. I wanted Sawyer’s star date to be his birthday, just like Jake’s. The star registry only goes back 2 years – which meant 2012, 2013 or this year. There is no 2009 option. I chose this year – for Sawyer’s 5th birthday.
Sibling rivalry is an issue at times in our house with the twins. I will never know if Sawyer would be unhappy that Jake had a star and he did not but the second star bought to avoid any worries. It made me feel a bit better and it was something I could do for Sawyer.
Washing
January 14, 2014 at 5:08 pm | Posted in Cemetery, Grief, Jake, Sawyer | 4 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, Jewish customs
Every time Evan and I leave the cemetery we wash our hands with water. I know everyone washed their hands when leaving the cemetery after Jake’s funeral and then after Sawyer’s. The other day I realized I have no idea why we wash our hands, so I decided to look it up. There seem to be many different theories including the following:
- Hand washing marks “the departure from the surroundings of death and to signify a renewed attachment with life.”
- Washing hands symbolizes a “disassociation from death.”
- Some used to interpret washing hands in order to banish “evil spirits.
The explanation that I like the best is that we wash our hands to signify the “transition from departing the place of death to entering that of life; it is also an attempt mentally to leave behind the realm of the past and re-embrace the present”. At times, I have to work hard to stay in the present so the physical act of washing hands is a good reminder for me.
Thanksgivukkah
November 26, 2013 at 10:10 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, Love, Sawyer | 3 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, dark days, death of a baby, gratitude, Hanukkah, holidays, Jewish customs, life after loss, new not so normal, thankful, Thanksgiving, Thanksgivukkah, thoughts
This year the 1st day of Hanukkah and Thanksgiving fall on the same day. Apparently, this only happens once every 79,000 years or something. So, I am thankful it is happening during my lifetime. As I have mentioned before, since Jake and then Sawyer have died the holidays can be difficult. So, by combining 2 of them maybe this year will be easier.
I am so very thankful for family and friends who have stood by us during the best and worst of times of our lives. I am certain that I would not be able to get through this journey alone. I will continue to always be very thankful for the time that we did have with Jake and Sawyer. I try not to dwell on the Hanukkahs and Thanksgivings that we did not have and will never have with them. Some days are just harder than others.
Happy Hanukkah! Happy Thanksgiving! And, Happy Thanksgivukkah to those of you celebrating both!
Song for All Seasons
November 8, 2013 at 11:15 am | Posted in Jake, life after loss, Love, Sawyer | 12 CommentsTags: #DPchallenge, child loss, death of a baby, hope, new not so normal, songs
My mom sang this song to me when I was little. We sang this song to all 4 of our children. Now 2 of them sing to us. . .
The second verse was tougher for me especially after Jake and Sawyer died. There were many mornings when I woke up hoping that I was holding our other 2 sons.
The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping
I dreamt I held you in my arms
When I awoke, dear, I was mistaken
So I hung my head, and I cried
I will keep singing this song (now with the twins). And hoping for more sunshine.
Strong?
November 4, 2013 at 10:44 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, Love, Sawyer | 10 CommentsTags: baby loss, birthday, child loss, death of a baby, grief, life after loss, new not so normal, thoughts
Dear Sawyer,
It is me, your mom. It is almost your birthday. And again, there will be no party. You are still gone. We have made it through 3 other birthdays without you. I know that we will make it through this one too. Thanks to your older brother, Jake, I know that we can make it through a 4th birthday without the birthday boy. In fact, I can make it through every day with out you both. I just do not want to. . .
I miss you. I love you forever.
All Hallows Eve
November 1, 2013 at 10:51 pm | Posted in Jake, Sawyer | 9 CommentsTags: child loss, Day of the Dead, death of a baby, Halloween, holidays, new not so normal, perspective, thoughts
October 31st is not only Halloween but it also starts the celebration of the Mexican holiday Dia de los Muertos (Day of the Dead). The tradition focuses on celebrating and remembering friends and family who have passed away. Unlike Halloween, the celebration honors those who have died with food, festivities and an elaborate altar. The observance is on November 1st and 2nd, which coincides with the Catholic All Saints’ Day and All Souls’ Day. November 1st is for celebrating children and infants who have died. It is called Dia de los Inocentes (Day of the Innocents) or Dia de los Angelitos (Day of the Little Angels). November 2nd is for remembering all friends and family no matter what their age. In some beliefs, it is a three-day holiday beginning on October 31st, All Hallows Eve, when some believe the souls of young children arise at midnight.
I have never made an altar but I am very thankful to one of my close friends who includes Jake and Sawyer’s pictures on her altar. Maybe one day I will try to make an altar. There is a part of me that wants to make Halloween (along with all days) extra fun and extra special for the twins because I cannot ever do these things for Jake and Sawyer. No worries, I do know that the twins deserve fun and extra special just because of themselves.
There is a house in our neighborhood that has crazy blow ups for every holiday. I try to drive the twins by the house often during Halloween. Here it is during the day:
Here is the house at night:
And here we are (minus Evan):
Happy Halloween!
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