Sawyer and the strawberry
December 28, 2017 at 4:58 pm | Posted in Grief, life after loss, Love, Sawyer | 6 CommentsTags: Buddha, death of a child, deathiversary, love
December 26th is the date on Sawyer’s death certificate. I am not sure when exactly he died but Evan and I kissed him good night for the last time on December 25th.
No one ever really knows how long we have between birth and death. I am very thankful for the time we did have with Sawyer.
Buddhist story:
“A man traveling across a field encountered a tiger. He fled, the tiger after him. Coming to a precipice, he caught hold of the root of a wild vine and swung himself down over the edge. The tiger sniffed at him from above. Trembling, the man looked down to where, far below, another tiger was waiting to eat him. Only the vine sustained him.
Two mice, one white and one black, little by little started to gnaw away the vine. The man saw a luscious strawberry near him. Grasping the vine with one hand, he plucked the strawberry with the other. How sweet it tasted!”
There are many interpretations of this story. I like to think of the strawberry as the present. One of the tigers is birth and the other death.
I wish I had more time to spend with Sawyer. If I had known that time (and the tiger of death) were present and against us that Christmas night when we kissed him goodnight, I am sure that I would have never stopped kissing him. Love and miss you sweet Sawyer.
gone but never forgotten
November 17, 2017 at 8:18 am | Posted in Grief, Love | 10 CommentsTags: #WorldPrematurityDay, birthday, childloss, death of a child, happy birthday, life after loss, love, miss you so much
Sawyer,
I miss you every single day but today I miss you extra. Today eight years ago you were born. It is (or should be) your 8th birthday. How do I get through your 8th birthday without you? I am not so sure. I know I did it last year and the year before, so somehow I will get through today as well.
I am wearing purple for World Prematurity Day. You were full term but all of your siblings were premature so I think you would be okay sharing your special day with them. You were born on your scheduled C-section date and we could not wait to meet all 8 lbs of sweet wonderful you!
Wherever you are, I hope you know how much you are loved and missed. As always, I will look for you in my dreams.
Mother’s Day (& may the 4th be with you all)
May 4, 2016 at 10:04 pm | Posted in Death, Grief, Jake, life after loss, Love, mother, mourning, Sawyer | 12 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a child, grief, hope, life after loss, mother's day, perspective, thoughts
There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of Jake and Sawyer, but some days are harder than others. Mother’s Day is one of those days. Logically it is just another day. They are both gone every. single. day. It is not like the first days, weeks and months after they died when the tears so often streamed down my face without me even realizing. Now most of the time my tears are tucked farther away. The sadness and the joy of loving Jake and Sawyer is a part of me.
I know I am not alone. There are so many other mothers in this club with me. There are mothers who this is their first Mother’s Day without their child (or maybe it is the 2nd or 22nd since their child died).
There are also mothers who have died leaving behind their children. This is perhaps their children’s first Mother’s Day without their mother (or maybe it is the 2nd or 22nd since their mother died).
There are motherless mothers and motherless fathers.
There are spouse’s who are filling the role of both parents on Mother’s Day.
Death is part of life. And no matter how hard some days can be life goes on.
As I have already written, Mother’s Day is not my favorite day. I try to focus on the 4 positive pregnancy tests and the 4 live births. I also try not dwell on the 2 emergency C-sections, the NICU, the miscarriage and the 2 deaths. The truth is that all of these events have made me a mother.
I know that this day is hard for so many. There are the other mothers in the club whose arms will also ache to hold their children. There are others who are missing their mothers, grandmothers or partners. I send hope and hugs to you all.
Still Marching
May 6, 2015 at 10:16 pm | Posted in after death?, Grief, life after loss, Love | 1 CommentTags: baby loss, death of a child, hope, life after loss, love, March of Dimes, mother's day, new not so normal, Northside Hospital, premature birth, thoughts, ways to honor the memory of your child
This weekend our family is walking in the March of Dimes’ “March for Babies” just like we have in years past. Originally our team was named Jake’s Journey. After Sawyer died we renamed it to Jake’s Journey & Sawyer’s Strides. This year the walk is on Mother’s Day weekend. Although I wish we were walking with all of our children, I think this is as close of a perfect way to honor all 4 as possible.
The mission of March of Dimes is to improve the health of babies by preventing birth defects, premature birth and infant mortality. I believe that the March of Dimes is making a difference and saving babies.
I cannot do anything to bring back Jake or Sawyer but maybe, just maybe, I can help spare other parents the heartbreak of having to live in this world without their child/children.
Thank you to all those who supported our team this year and in past years. Thank you also to the Northside Hospital for matching funds. We appreciate all of your kindness and generosity. Please consider supporting Jake’s Journey & Sawyer’s Strides and click here.
How to Remember Your Child
February 28, 2014 at 1:00 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, life after loss, Sawyer | 6 CommentsTags: child loss, death of a child, love, ways to honor the memory of your child
I will always remember Jake and Sawyer. How they looked. How they smelled. Their sounds, and the touch of their skin.
Over the years since Jake and then Sawyer have died, we’ve always looked for ways to remember them by trying to build more memories of them. Maybe it is because we only had weeks with each of them. Maybe it is because it is a way to keep them a more active parts of our lives. Maybe it is because that is what we do when we loved ones are no longer present in our lives.
We’ve done things that have made sense to us to remember Jake and Sawyer. I’ve also come across suggestions (some of which we have taken, some of which we haven’t done) from other resources about ways parents can remember their children who have died. Some of those ideas include:
- Create a baby album with all your keepsakes in it. (This might take different shapes or forms depending on what keepsakes you have.)
- Make a collage frame, remembrance or shadow box with pictures, mementos and other things that remind you of your child.
- Plant flowers or a tree in your child’s memory, perhaps in a place you like to visit or that you associate with your child.
- Participate in walks or runs in your community.
- Buy memorial bricks (local parks often offer this as a fundraiser).
- Name a star after your baby.
- Write.
- Light candles.
- Volunteer or work on a special project in your child’s memory.
- Donate to a child who would be the same age as your child would be.
Do you have any other ideas to share?
Thank you!
April 28, 2012 at 8:06 pm | Posted in Grief, Love, silver lining, why I write | 4 CommentsTags: acting, baby loss, death of a child, gratitude, hope, March of Dimes, premature birth, SUIDS
2 words today:
THANK YOU!!
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