Anger

September 24, 2012 at 10:46 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons, normal?, twins | 7 Comments
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As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world — that is the myth of the atomic age — as in being able to remake ourselves. – Gandhi

Anger.  It is the 2nd stage of grief according to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross.  At the time of Jake’s and Sawyer’s deaths I do not specifically remember feeling anger.  Perhaps there was no room for anger because the stages of denial, bargaining and depression seemed to have trapped me.  However, anger creeps into my life at unexpected times.

I was waiting in line with one of the twins so that she could sit in a fire truck.  We were patiently waiting our turn.

We were in line behind a very cute girl with Down syndrome.  She was not so sure about climbing up the stairs of the fire truck.  The fireman offered to help her but she wanted to do it herself.

I asked the woman with the girl in front of us in line how old she was.  She responded, “She is my daughter’s girl and she is 8.”  I wanted to say something back to her like “You mean she is your granddaughter?”  I remained silent.  Jake would have been 7.  Would he have liked fire trucks?

My little girl began to ask repeatedly, “When is it my turn?” My silence broke to reassure her that, “It is your turn next.”

The woman with the girl, looked at my daughter who at this point was jumping up and down as she continued to whine about her turn, pointed towards her granddaughter and said “This will really teach you patience.”  And there it was – anger.  I was angry at this grandmother.  I have not walked in her shoes.  I do not know the first thing about her life but I was angry.  The voice inside my head wanted to explain to her that I too had a Down syndrome child but he died.  He died before I got the chance to learn that level of patience.  I once again remained silent.

Our Giving Tree

September 18, 2012 at 10:18 pm | Posted in after death?, Grief, Love, normal? | 9 Comments
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The winter after Jake died one of my favorite friend’s mother had a tree planted at a local park in his memory.

Sadly, my friend’s mom died the next year.  I had a tree planted next to Jake’s tree in her memory.  The two trees were planted near a small pond.  In 2009, it rained so much that her tree did not make it.  I was in the process of trying to relocate both trees away from the water when Sawyer was born.  And then before I knew it he had died.

So I bought 2 trees.  A tree to replace my friend’s mom’s tree.  And, a tree in memory of Sawyer.  All 3 trees are now away from the pond and at the edge of a playground.  The first summer after Sawyer died it was really hot.  I would go by as often as I could to water the trees.  It made me feel like I could take care of something for Sawyer and Jake.  All 3 trees made it through the summer but Sawyer’s always seems to be struggling.

I took the twins to the playground last week.  I always check on the trees when we are there.  The twins often help me.

As Sawyer’s sister “helped” with the tree she happened to pull off a small branch.  She asked if she could bring it home to take care of it.  I responded, “sure, why not.” When we got home it was bath time.  She asked if she could take the branch into the bathtub and wash it.   Once again I answered, “sure, why not.”

After the bath she wanted to make pajamas and a blanket for the branch.  And, she did.

Anniversaries (repost)

September 12, 2012 at 12:12 am | Posted in Anniversaries, Grief, life after loss, mourning | 2 Comments
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The tragedy of 9/11 and its’ anniversary are kinds of grief.  It is of course, an enormous source of grief for all of the families and friends who lost loved ones.  It is also the kind of grief in which you realize that the world as you knew it will not ever be the same.

Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans the week that Jake passed away.  A very close friend of mine took her 5-year-old son in for his check up and the pediatrician found a rare heart condition.  My grandmother had died.  I felt like the world was coming to an end.  So, I asked the rabbi who presided at Jake’s funeral about the possibility that the world was ending.  He replied with an analogy.  He said that it is like when you decide you are going to buy a certain kind of car.  Once you make the decision you start seeing the car every where.  So, my take away from his explanation was now that I was grieving I would start to see grieving every where. . . Turns out you don’t have to look too far for grief in this world.  The record 7.0-magnitude earthquake hit Haiti shortly after Sawyer died.

I know that 9/11, where close to 3,000 people died; Hurricane Katrina, where 1,500-1,700 people died; and the earthquake in Haiti, where almost 230,000 people died are tremendous losses compared to the death of two babies.  But, those babies were mine.  And, my world will never be the same as it was before they had died.

There is not a contest for who has the most grief.  I am not trying to compare my losses to these catastrophic tragedies.  There are not any winners here.  In grief we have all lost.  However, there is still the next day and the day after that.  And one day, there is a point where we will realize that our loved ones are dead but we are still alive.

I have previously posted this on 9/11.  On the anniversary and every day, my heart, prayers and thoughts go out to not only the victims but to those who they left behind in this world. 

Boys (& Girls) of Summer

September 10, 2012 at 12:04 am | Posted in after death?, Grief, life after loss, normal? | 6 Comments
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When Evan and I were told it was 100% certain that Jake had trisomy 21 (Down Syndrome), 1 million thoughts raced through my mind.  I doubt I can adequately articulate my exact thoughts and feelings at that moment.  However, when we were “by accident” told that Jake was a boy I remember very clearly the precise thought which entered my mind first.  The realization that Evan might not be able to play little league with our son was the thought which resonated first (and loudest) in my brain.

Jake was born 14 weeks early and only lived for 14 days.  He did not ever leave the NICU.  He never played little league.  His little brother and little sister did join a team this year.  They played in their first little league game over the weekend.

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The team shirts were randomly given out right before the game.  I have always thought that Jake’s lucky number was 14.  So, maybe just maybe he was there today too.

Letter to the Twins’ Kindergarten Teachers

September 4, 2012 at 10:10 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love, normal?, twins | 11 Comments
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Dear Ms. B. and Ms. K.,
We have been having a great year so far. The twins love being in your classes. We completed the Family Tree homework assignment which was due today. I thought I should clarify about a few of the leaves.  The ones which I am specifically referring to are the following:

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I honestly do not know what the twins will say about these leaves when it is their turn to present.  They may say something like “Jake and Sawyer are flowers.”  Or, they could tell the class how they bring stones to Jake and Sawyer.  It is also possible they could tell the class which Halloween costumes they have picked out for Jake and Sawyer.

Jake was their older brother.  He died before the twins were born.  Sawyer was their younger brother.  He died when the twins were 2 1/2 years old.  I do not know if they have any real memories of Sawyer.

The twins will not cry as they excitedly tell you and the rest of their class about their brothers.  They will happily talk and talk about them both.  They will smile as they explain to you how much they wish Jake and Sawyer would grow.

If you have any questions please feel free to let me know (I will try my best but I can not promise that I will not cry).

Thanks again,
The Twins’, Jake’s and Sawyer’s Mom

100!

August 30, 2012 at 9:10 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love, silver lining, Time | 10 Comments
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If things get better with age, then you are approaching magnificent. –Unknown

August is filled with happy and sad days for me but it always ends with the birthday of my amazing grandfather.  He is 100! today!! In my opinion he has not only approached magnificent but passed it by long ago.  I am so very lucky to have him in my life.

I submitted the birthday application to have the chance for Williard Scott to wish him a Happy Birthday on the Today Show.  Apparently there are a lot of centenarians these days and Williard Scott did not wish him a happy birthday.  So, I will . . .

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

Family Portrait

August 28, 2012 at 9:58 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love, normal?, twins | 14 Comments
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Here is our family.  One of the twins pulled out her markers after school and this is what she created for me.  In case you are not sure who is pictured here I will explain:
  1. I am on the left side and look as if I have never seen a brush in my life.  However, I do have a nice purple bow in my hair.
  2. Evan is way on the right.  He is very tall.  And thin.  He could also use a good hair brushing.
  3. In the middle are the twins.  She is in pink.  He is in blue.
  4. Also in the middle, and above the twins are our dogs, Buddy and Baby.  They usually have their paws planted on the floor.
  5. At the very bottom of the page are our fish, Fred and Rose.  Fred was recently renamed Lightening Flash Fred.
  6. Which brings us to the circles in the middle. . .The larger of the circles is Jake.  The next largest circle is Sawyer.  The smallest is for the baby .  I did not realize they even knew that I was pregnant.  I was wrong.

7 years minus 1 day & I still miss you

August 26, 2012 at 9:14 pm | Posted in after death?, Grief, hydrops, Time | 15 Comments
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It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds.’ I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.  Rose Kennedy

Dear Jake,
Tomorrow it will be 7 years since your Dad and I held you. I am still not sure how anyone got me to leave the NICU that Friday night.  I have nothing really new to tell you.  It is another day without you.  Tomorrow will come and you will officially be gone for 7 years.  The numbers do not matter.   I will miss you forever.  Love you always.  I will look for you in my dreams.

Very Inspiring Blogger Award

August 22, 2012 at 8:28 pm | Posted in life after loss, why I write | 10 Comments
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Thank you very much to Di from It’s Dilovely for the nomination for this award:

The rules to the Very Inspiring Blogger Award are as follows:

  1. Display the Nomination logo on your blog
  2. Link back to the person who nominated you
  3. State 7 things about yourself
  4. Nominate 15 others and link to them
  5. Notify those bloggers of the nominations & award requirement

See above for #1 & #2.  So here goes #3:

  1. I have 1 million freckles.  I was not always so happy to have them.  When I was young, my mom always told me that they were kisses from the sun.  Now I am ok with the freckles and I am explaining to the twins about their sun kisses (which I still do not know how the sun gets through all the sun block to kiss them!).
  2. I am left-handed.
  3. I got an N (non-satisfactory) in handwriting in 2nd grade.  We wrote in pencil in 2nd grade and I did not figure out how to pick up my arm and not smear the page till the 3rd grade.
  4. In 3rd grade I thought I knew everything.  I clearly remember walking home from school one day thinking to myself, “I know how to divide and multiply.  I can write the alphabet in cursive.  What else could I possibly learn in school?”  Turns out there was a lot left to learn and I did not even need to bother learning cursive…
  5. I worked at an ice cream store in high school.  My friend Susan worked there too.  Susan and I are both tall with brown hair and brown eyes.  I have freckles (see #1) and she doesn’t but people would often confuse us for each other.  The owners of the ice cream store called us both Susan the entire time I worked there.
  6. Evan proposed at an ice cream store and had an ice cream flavor created for me.
  7. My grandfather is turning 100 next week!

Okay – finished with #3.  Here goes #4, nominations:

  1. Mama Bird Diaries – Kelcey is super funny, clever and witty.  She always makes me laugh and reminds me to look for the funny in life.  I am pretty sure that Kelcey’s blog is the first one I ever read.
  2. Four Plus An Angel – Jessica is the mother of 5.  She has a teenage daughter with autism, 2 surviving triplets and a rainbow baby in her arms.  Hadley is always in her heart.  She writes beautifully and has the uncanny ability to write exactly how I am feeling.
  3. Cora’s Story – Kristine writes in memory of her daughter Cora.  Along with writing about her blog, Kristine also wrote the free e-book When a Friend’s Baby Dies.
  4. A Greener Biener – Daphne writes about her and her families’ adventures in treating the planet more gently and eating better.  She has not only given me recipes for kale chips but inspired me to compost.
  5. The Spohrs Are Multiplying – Heather and Mike both blog on this site.  Their first daughter Maddie died suddenly in April of 2009.  The blog includes adventures of their daughter, Annie as well as photography tips, hair do ideas, recipes and life without Maddie.
  6. The Good Cook – Linda shares fantastic recipes and her journey since TBHITW (the best husband in the world) died.
  7. Rock Star Ronan – Ronan died in 2010 from neuroblastoma cancer.  His mother, Maya made a promise that she would continue to fight for Ronan until cancer survival rates start to improve and eventually a cure is found.
  8. Faces of Loss – Kristen Cook created this group blog when her daughter Stevie Joy was born still.  Kristen felt alone in her grief until she started to search the internet.  She created a place for women to share their stories and faces.  Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope brings awareness to the issue of pregnancy/infant loss.
  9. Simon’s Beat – The Sudman’s created Simon’s Fund and the blog in memory of their baby boy, Simon.  The mission of Simon’s Fund is “To save a child’s life . . . and then another, by raising awareness of conditions that lead to sudden cardiac arrest and death.”
  10. Jana’s Thinking PlaceMommy wants Vodka and Band Back Together –  Becky (from Mommy Wants Vodka) and Jana are the creators/editors of the group site Band Back Together.  It is a place where people connect about the good, the bad and the ugly parts of life.
  11. Missing Maxie – Abby writes about her son Max, who died at the age 9 1/2 months and her newborn Mo.
  12. Glow in the Woods – This is a group blog for “For parents of lost babies and potential of all kinds.” The creator an editor, Angie also writes the blog Still Life With Circles and created the project right where I am.
  13. Dr. Joanne – Joanne Cacciatore started the MISS Foundation as a way for families to cope with the tragedy of a child’s death.
  14. The Crazy Life of a Writing Mom – EC Stilson wears many hats.  She is an author, a musician and a mom and writes about all of her adventures.
  15. It’s Dilovely – Di blogs from the perspective as a mother (one child with her, one who died and one on the way).  She also writes from the perspective of a person (BANG, by a normal girl).

One of my hopes for my writing is that someone will read this blog and find something that will make their life some how easier.  Thank you again, Di, for the honor.

A Happy Day

August 16, 2012 at 11:42 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love | 13 Comments
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“Today you are you! That is truer than true!
There is no one alive..…who is you-er than you!
Dr. Seuss “Happy Birthday To You!”

HAPPY BIRTHDAY EVAN!

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