Go Guilt Go
October 4, 2011 at 11:40 pm | Posted in Grief, traditions | 9 CommentsTags: child loss, Jake, Jewish customs, life after loss, Sawyer, twins
This week I went with the twins on a school field trip. We went to a park alongside a river. The purpose of the trip was to say the Tashlich prayer. Tashlich means to cast off. It is a Jewish tradition of “casting off” your sins and starting the new year with a clean slate. Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year was this past week (just in case you did not already know that). I really like the idea of having a clean slate.
The way that the twins’ teachers explained Tashlich to the children was that it is putting all of your bad feelings into the river. Examples they gave were fighting with your brother/sister and not listening to your parents.
There were lots of feelings that I tried to “cast off” into the river. The top of my list was my guilt. My guilt that I did not do everything I could to protect Jake and Sawyer. I know logically that there was nothing I could do but as their mother I should have been able to protect them. I have replayed (in my mind and in talking to friends and therapists) Jake and Sawyer’s short lives over and over. I have tried to imagine if there could have been something I did or did not do that would have changed the fact that they both died.
I tried to leave my guilt in that river by the park. I will let you know how that works out for me. . .
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A Mourning Mom 
I sure hope any and all of your guilt is by now buried deep in the river and floated way downstream. My dearest wish for you in this and every New Year is for joy and happiness and no more guilt. Love, Julie
Comment by Julie— October 5, 2011 #
As a Catholic I know only too well “guilt”. Heck, sometimes I just answer the phone with “I’m sorry”.. 😉
I’m going to go find me a river.
Linda
Comment by The Good Cook— October 5, 2011 #
oh if it were so easy – i’d buy a house near one. Happy New Year to all of you!
Comment by SusanFB— October 5, 2011 #
Dear Mourning Mom,
Your post is heartbreaking. Please be kind to yourself. You did everything possible for your babies.
much love
Steph
Comment by Steph— October 5, 2011 #
If only the title Mother did come with the magical powers to keep everyone safe, not just the expectation and desire to do so…I wish you a happy and healthy New year, and am looking forward to seeing you all soon!
Comment by Daphne— October 5, 2011 #
My mom always tells me that guilt is a useless emotion. I know she is right. My sister listens to this life speaker that says “what would your world be like if you knew [whatever worries you/makes you feel guilty] wasn’t true?” I am hoping for a world for you where you know no guilt. Lots of love, Amy
P.S. even though I get this great advice from mom/sister I too have trouble following it, sounds so much easier than it really is.
Comment by Amy Johnson— October 5, 2011 #
Lanie.. you are in no way responsible for their deaths. You are a wonderful mother.
Comment by Kelcey— October 5, 2011 #
No guilt! No guilt! Guilt is no good!
Comment by eden— November 3, 2011 #
[…] Rennie. Thank you to Chris for commenting on my past post with the update. Every mom feels guilt when their child dies – even without being charged with murder. I am so glad that the judge […]
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