Kindness Campaign
July 20, 2013 at 10:18 pm | Posted in Jake, life lessons, Love, Sawyer | 1 CommentTags: baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, hope, kindness, life after loss, Mattie Stepanek, Method Baby Products, new not so normal, peace, thoughts, ways to honor the memory of your child
At the age of three, Mattie Stepanek started to write poetry to cope with the death of his older brother. Mattie and his brother suffered from a rare form of muscular dystrophy, dysautonomic mitochondrial myopathy. A few of his books are Heartsongs and Hope Through Heartsongs. Mattie died a month before his 14th birthday. His sister and two brothers also died from the disease during early childhood. His mother has the adult form, diagnosed only after all four of her children were born.
Mattie’s mother, Jeni, continues to spread Mattie’s message of peace and hope. Her strength and courage is remarkable. In honor of Mattie’s birthday (July 17th) and death day (June 22nd), Jeni has held Peace and Kindness Campaigns. Above is a slideshow of flyers used for the Kindness Campaign this summer.
Speaking of kindness, a gigantic thank you to Sara, my cousin. She wrote to Method after reading my last post. Method’s customer service could not find any useable soap but they wrote back a really nice response. Thank you again Sara!
Scent of Sawyer
July 14, 2013 at 1:02 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons, Sawyer, venting | 9 CommentsTags: baby loss, death of a baby, gratitude, life after loss, Method Baby Products, new not so normal, Sad, Sawyer, scent, thoughts
One of the lessons that Jake and Sawyer have taught me is not to sweat the small stuff. In the grand scheme of things there is so much stuff that just does not matter in the end.
This post, however, is about small stuff. Method has discontinued their line of babies and kids products. I know that there is most likely a business reason why the line did not make it. However, I just wish they could bring the product line back. We have used their products (body wash, shampoo, lotion, laundry detergent and dryer sheets). We used a particular scent — rice milk and mallow — with Sawyer. We all loved the smell, and appreciated that they were natural products with nothing to harm Sawyer’s (or any of our) skin.
The smell of the products reminds me of Sawyer. So, after he died, we continued to use the products. The frequent and sweet reminder of him in the smell of our clothes or at the twins’ bath time is, in a way, comforting. Now the product line has been discontinued, and it is hard to find the products anywhere. I am sure that at some point, we won’t be able to find them at all anymore.
One more small bit of Sawyer that will no longer be in our lives. Yes, it is a small thing. But it is one more small thing I wish I could change.
And, a giant thank you to Evan for finding me some of the last of the bottles on eBay!
Balloons
July 2, 2013 at 11:32 pm | Posted in after death?, Jake, life after loss, Love, Sawyer | 6 CommentsTags: baby loss, balloons, child loss, death of a baby, family, heaven?, new not so normal, thoughts, twins
Whenever our daughter is given a balloon she wants to let it go and send it to Jake and Sawyer. The balloons are not always just for Jake and Sawyer. She also sends them to Evan’s mom (Mom Mom), my grandfather (Grandpoppy) and other members of our family who have died. I think it started with the balloon launch at the end of the Walk to Remember. However, it has continued after birthday parties and school celebrations. She usually wants to come home with the balloon and stand in the driveway.
Next, she will find the perfect place to release the balloon so that it does not get caught in the trees. Sometimes, she will try to attach a note to the balloon. Other times, she will say a few words or give a few kisses to send with the balloon.
When she has finally determined that the conditions for the balloon release are as good as they are going to get, she lets it go.
We watch it for as long as we can. She asks me if I really think that they will get her balloon. I always say, “yes.”
Tonight at bedtime the twins were discussing the balloons that she sends. They debated the obstacles the balloon could encounter – tree branches, the wind, the lack of wind, etc. What would happen when the one balloon finally arrived? Would Jake or Sawyer hold it?
I chimed in that it did not really matter who held it. They could all look at the balloon and know that we are thinking about them.
Thank you!
April 28, 2013 at 8:54 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, life after loss, Love, Sawyer | 9 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, gratitude, hope, life after loss, March of Dimes, perspective, thoughts, ways to honor the memory of your child
Yesterday was the March of Dimes – March for Babies. We warmed up:
We ran:
We rested:
And most importantly, we remembered Jake, Sawyer and all the other babies who were not there to march with us:
Thank you again for supporting our team this year and in past years. We appreciate all of your amazing kindness and generosity.
Sunshine and Rain (part 2)
February 28, 2013 at 11:24 pm | Posted in Grief, Jake, Love, normal?, Sawyer, twins | 7 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, dark days, death of a baby, hope, Jewish customs, kids are smart, perspective
Thank you all for the kind words of encouragement. The rain has stopped and there is some sunshine through the clouds.
When it rains one of the twins usually says “HaShem is crying.” This week, I decided to ask, “Why do you think HaShem is crying?” He responded, “I don’t know, mama. Maybe HaShem is very sad.”
Ever since Jake and then Sawyer died I do feel like the rain is tears. Sometimes I will confess that I am glad it is raining because it matches my sadness. And, as an added bonus the raindrops disguise the tears running down my cheeks.
However, the other twin chimed in with her own answer. “Maybe they are not tears of sadness. Maybe they are tears of happiness.”
Maybe
January 24, 2013 at 11:48 pm | Posted in after death?, Grief, life lessons, normal? | 5 CommentsTags: baby loss, Buddha, child loss, death of a baby, grief, hope, life after loss, new not so normal, perspective, Sawyer, twins, unexplainable
Maybe (Taoist story)
There is a Taoist story of an old farmer who had worked his crops for many years. One day his horse ran away. Upon hearing the news, his neighbors came to visit. “Such bad luck,” they said sympathetically.
“Maybe,” the farmer replied. The next morning the horse returned, bringing with it 3 other wild horses. “How wonderful,” the neighbors exclaimed.
“Maybe,” replied the old man. The next day, his son tried to ride one of the untamed horses, was thrown, and broke his leg. The neighbors again came to offer their sympathy on his misfortune. “Maybe,” answered the farmer. The day after, military officials came to the village to draft young men into the army. Seeing that the son’s leg was broken, they passed him by. The neighbors congratulated the farmer on how well things had turned out. “Maybe,” said the farmer.
After Sawyer died, one of Evan’s friends came over to see us. Those days were such a blur that I do not remember his exact words but I will try to give you the basic gist. He explained that sometimes things happen and we do not see or understand why at the time. We may never understand why but the fact that Sawyer died could influence someone or something in the future.
I, of course, responded that I will never understand why.
He went on to say that some events need to be looked at in different ways.
I again responded that I have examined and reexamined every angle of Sawyer’s death and could not find anything except for earth shattering pain, emptiness and never ending darkness.
However, he continued to make his point in a way that I could actually accept. He gave the example that when the twins grow up that their experience of Sawyer dying could impact them beyond my initial thoughts of how they would grow up without their baby brother. They could be perhaps go on to discover a cure for whatever caused Sawyer’s death. In that moment I grasped the fact that something good could possibly result from Sawyer dying. Maybe, just maybe.
Storms & Seasons Greetings
December 12, 2012 at 12:12 pm | Posted in Grief, life lessons, normal?, silver lining | 10 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, dark days, death of a baby, holidays, new not so normal, parenthood, perspective
The dark days of December are always accompanied by holiday parties and cheer. The people of planet earth should be celebrating and happy because as it has already been established not everyone lives on planet my baby died. Last weekend I was visiting planet earth when Evan and I attended his work holiday party. For the most part we fit right in. Three different people asked “how many children do you have?” My response to 2 of them was “we have twins at home.”
I was speaking to a woman who I knew had lost a daughter. I did not know how or if I would bring it up but then she asked the question. I told her about all 4 of our children. I told her about Jake and Sawyer. She told me about her daughter who had died in 1999.
She shared with me that the month of her daughter’s death is still hard for her. I am truly sad that it is difficult but her honesty helped me. The 3 years since Sawyer died seem so long ago in some respects but in others it really does not. There is no plan to get over or through grief. It is a journey. I know exactly when the storms began but I am not sure if they will ever end.
Doctors & Dreams
December 2, 2012 at 9:48 pm | Posted in after death?, Grief, Love, normal? | 10 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, dark days, death of a baby, new not so normal, perspective, quotes, Sad, Sawyer, unexplainable
Dear Sawyer,
Three years ago we had your 2 week check up with the pediatrician. You did fantastic. You were gaining weight. You were eating. You were sleeping. All seemed to be going well. Was there something that we missed?
The doctor told us that you were perfect. We even scheduled your 2 month check up in January of 2010. As you know, we did not make it to that appointment.
I try not to imagine what you would be like as a 3-year-old. I know that I should just mourn the loss of you as a baby. It only makes it more painful to grieve the losses of all the other stages you sadly never reached. Good night baby boy. I love you. I miss you. As always, I will look for you in my dreams.
Life without you
October 26, 2012 at 9:42 pm | Posted in Love, normal? | 4 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, death of a baby, life after loss, new not so normal, quotes, Sad, Sawyer, thoughts, unexplainable
Dear Sawyer,
There are days that I just cannot stop my arms from aching to hold you. Today was one of those days. I think of you and miss you every day. Time is marching on as it always does. Soon it will be November again. Another November without you – just like every day since that awful night.
I carry the book of pictures of you that my thoughtful friends gave me. I hold on to it. It is not the same as holding you but I am so thankful that I have it. I cannot look at it often but I always have it with me. I love you to the moon and back sweet Sawyer. I will look for you in my dreams. Love you always.
Letter to the Twins’ Kindergarten Teachers
September 4, 2012 at 10:10 pm | Posted in life after loss, Love, normal?, twins | 11 CommentsTags: baby loss, child loss, family, Jake, life after loss, new not so normal, Sawyer, thoughts, twins, unexplainable
Dear Ms. B. and Ms. K.,
We have been having a great year so far. The twins love being in your classes. We completed the Family Tree homework assignment which was due today. I thought I should clarify about a few of the leaves. The ones which I am specifically referring to are the following:
I honestly do not know what the twins will say about these leaves when it is their turn to present. They may say something like “Jake and Sawyer are flowers.” Or, they could tell the class how they bring stones to Jake and Sawyer. It is also possible they could tell the class which Halloween costumes they have picked out for Jake and Sawyer.
Jake was their older brother. He died before the twins were born. Sawyer was their younger brother. He died when the twins were 2 1/2 years old. I do not know if they have any real memories of Sawyer.
The twins will not cry as they excitedly tell you and the rest of their class about their brothers. They will happily talk and talk about them both. They will smile as they explain to you how much they wish Jake and Sawyer would grow.
If you have any questions please feel free to let me know (I will try my best but I can not promise that I will not cry).
Thanks again,
The Twins’, Jake’s and Sawyer’s Mom
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